16DD and dating rules

itsabouttoexplode · 2024-11-10T10:39:59+00:00

Posting here for more traffic as didn't get many replies in Teenagers DD 16 has just started dating a boy from school same age as her both young 16. Just wondering what are other peoples rules when it comes to their 16 year olds. How often are they allowed to see each other? Curfew? Are they allowed home alone? Did you insist on meeting him etc? They have been out on 2 dates this weekend so I reckon she's going to be catching up on homework all day. She has pretty high ambitions and wants to study a difficult subject at Uni so am concerned of the effect on her school work. We have an older DS who is now at Uni and been with his GF for years and they really only saw each other about once a week so we didn't really have to worry about setting boundaries because her parents were obviously stricter. We did insist on bedroom door open in the early days though. Guess my AIBU is are we unreasonable to have some rules? I feel like seeing him twice a weekend is quite a lot especially if school work suffers

Original poster

itsabouttoexplode · 10/11/2024 12:15

Hopeful bump!

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TeenToTwenties · 10/11/2024 12:16

Surely then rule #1 is 'schoolwork must be done'?

poetryandwine · 10/11/2024 12:20

Is school work suffering? I would not want DD to disrupt her life for a boy at that age, Schoolwork, hobbies, friendships, etc should be maintained. I think this rather than something arbitrary should determine how often she can see the new BF.

I think I would allow them to be alone together, because otherwise they will just find less salubrious places to be alone. But I wouldn’t empty the house for them or anything.

ZenNudist · 10/11/2024 12:26

I have said YANBU but I think she should be able to see him at the weekend twice or 3 times including Friday nights.

I think the week is for school work and activities. Keeping up at school is a condition for a good social life.

You also need to keep the door open for her to talk to you about sex and contraception.

Chaseandstatus · 10/11/2024 12:30

I didn’t give my DC any dating rules, the same applied for any socialising - and anything really now I consider it - my only rule/what it all boils down to basically is don’t be a dick.

Bugbeau · 10/11/2024 12:34

I think it depends how long they are seeing each other for. If they live close and are just going into town for a couple of hours, it’s different to two whole days of seeing each other. I think I’d say homework needs to be planned for/done and if homework/grades were slipping they’d need to see each
other less.

Original poster

itsabouttoexplode · 10/11/2024 12:44

Bit early yet for her school work to have suffered but she's had issues with being overloaded recently anyway and been struggling with phone addiction. Thought we were getting a grip on that. She realised it was a problem too. Will absolutely be keeping an eye on her school work.

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anonymoush · 10/11/2024 12:52

I'd say the more restrictions you put in place, the more they'll hide from you. I grew up with a mum that was very strict and the rules were very arbitrary, never really explained ("you must be home by 8", "you can't have him in the bedroom but you can have him in the living room", "you can have max 2 drinks" and she would smell me hahaha, "because I said so") and a dad who was more open to conversation, no random rules and would offer solutions rather than pure bans ("I'm worried for your safety so I'd rather you met in our house or let me know exactly where you're going and frequent updates on location" , "I'll never be angry at you for honesty so if you're in trouble or have any questions always ask", "homework first but outside of that your time is yours and I'll drive you if you need, as long as grades are good", "if you want to be with a boy overnight, please bring him here, I'll give you all the privacy you need / I'll stay in my room but if anything goes wrong you can give me a shout") etc well... the result was my dad knew everything and my mum nothing -> this led to a closer relationship with my dad overall -> even now, when I'm an adult, married, with my own DC I share far far more with him.

Original poster

itsabouttoexplode · 10/11/2024 13:17

anonymoush · 10/11/2024 12:52

I'd say the more restrictions you put in place, the more they'll hide from you. I grew up with a mum that was very strict and the rules were very arbitrary, never really explained ("you must be home by 8", "you can't have him in the bedroom but you can have him in the living room", "you can have max 2 drinks" and she would smell me hahaha, "because I said so") and a dad who was more open to conversation, no random rules and would offer solutions rather than pure bans ("I'm worried for your safety so I'd rather you met in our house or let me know exactly where you're going and frequent updates on location" , "I'll never be angry at you for honesty so if you're in trouble or have any questions always ask", "homework first but outside of that your time is yours and I'll drive you if you need, as long as grades are good", "if you want to be with a boy overnight, please bring him here, I'll give you all the privacy you need / I'll stay in my room but if anything goes wrong you can give me a shout") etc well... the result was my dad knew everything and my mum nothing -> this led to a closer relationship with my dad overall -> even now, when I'm an adult, married, with my own DC I share far far more with him.

We've always said that as long as you let us know what you're doing and ask and update she can do what she wants within reason. And she has. But she hasn't really had a busy social life up until now and a boy suddenly on the scene has thrown us! Especially as we've been adapting to DS leaving.
Both my parents were like your Mum and Dad. Think that's why I'm finding it trickier than my DH.

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