Mother in law interfering?

[Woodenbones198901]

Hi i know this is called Mumsnet but I’m a new dad to a baby girl, who’s absolutely incredible at 12weeks she has been as good as gold and starting sleeping through the night since week 8.. all down to get amazing devoted mum/my wife.

I have a question and I’m in intrigued to see if I am being unreasonable. It’s regarding my mother-in-law

I find my mil to be quite interfering at times, and I feel like she crosses some boundaries. I could be wrong but Im interested in other peoples views on the matter.

My mil has often said she sees my child as “her 3rd child” which I find strange. She loves my daughter which is great but I feel it’s the love of a mother to a baby not a grandmother to a baby, if that makes sense.

Sone things that I find inappropriate

1- she says “nana” constantly to my baby!!! an example and I quote “smile for nana, that’s it for nana, nana, big smiles for nana”. she can’t do an actively or anything without saying “nana” in her face, I counted 48 times once in a 36hour period , I have tried to bring this up in a “jokey” way and she says she’s doing it so she knows who her “nana” is, I think she’s doing it to make sure one of her first words is “nana”. I find that I’m now having to talk to be baby and say mummy and daddy way more than what feels natural/normal just because I will be heartbroken if her first world is “nana” simply because it’s said to her so much! I’m also worried that when my child is showing signs of speaking maybe sounding the letter m/n my mil will mouth “nana” instead “mumma”

2- she snatches and tries to take my child out of my arms.. one occasion was when mil was staying over, it was morning and I got up to change her nappy..I went to go back into our bedroom to have morning cuddles and smiles with my wife, when all of sudden my mil opens her door, arms up takes her out of my arms, takes her straight downstairs to play with her, I was in shock and all I could here downstairs was “nana.. nana” another example but this time I was expecting it and I wasn’t allowing it to happen to me again, we were staying around her house, my baby was having a nap on me, she woke up and was making noises, not properly crying but close to tears, for a few seconds which she does after all her naps because she was hungry, my wife was sitting next to me, I was waiting for my wife to get ready to feed her, my mil jumps up off the sofa arms out “I’ll rock her” I said “no she’s just hungry and wants feeding, I then passed her to my wife who wasnt quite ready to feed but wasn’t getting her snatched from my arms again. She was taken back by this.

3- entitlement! mil bought us a pram which was very generous of her, but I feel she thinks that means she’s entitled to push her whenever it comes out. We visited them last weekend and we went for a walk and my wife used our baby carrier as it’s sometimes easier then pushing a pram and it’s nice to be close to the baby. My mil says “I don’t like the carrier it means I can’t look at her and push her” which annoyed me because I work so i don’t often get to the parenting things like pushing her in a pram, accept on weekends and I thought that if we took the pram that moment would had been taken away from me. We have never got the pram out in her company and her not grab it and push it immediately, got given anyone else the option to push her.

4- always calling to find out how the baby is. We had to take our child to a chiropractor as she had lower back pain. Within 10mins of us coming out she was phoning, I felt like she thinks she’s the third parent! My parents waiting till the next day to ask, I’m quite fortunate that my parents give us space and are not the interfering type. I know it can be harder when it’s the fathers mil that is interfering.

5- on a recent visit to my Mil we arrived late around 7:30pm which happened to be our baby’s nap time mil was taken back and disappointed saying “oh but it’s my time with her” we left our baby in her car seat in the lounge with the visor Down, making it dark for her. Mil was itching to look at her, we said “no she’s sleeping” I also said “ it will mess up our routine if you wake her up” we went back and forth to the car unloading stuff, I heard mil husband saying “don’t do it” then mil comes in to the bedroom and says “she’s awake” mil obsession with her meant she had to open the visor and look at her causing her to wake up. She denies it but it was Blatantly obvious she did.

I was chatting to my wife about it but understandably being her mother she sees nothing wrong with it, but I can’t help but think something isn’t right, I may be making mountains out of mole hills but I’d like to know other people’s opinions on the matter.

Thank you

Not an opinion at all, just a fact.

Honestly, I do feel for you. I often read about people extracting the baby from its unwilling mum's/dad's arms, so a useful tip. When you see such a grabby person advancing, hunch your shoulders very slightly and turn sideways on, and if they are still coming turn your back on them. Do it slowly and do it with a smile. If they ask what you are doing, say that you are holding the baby. This may feel a wee bit awkward, but you should only need to do it once or twice.

That is ridiculous

Both you and your wife spend more time with your daughter and talking to her.

The odds are that it will be Dada due to how the sound is produced.

But most people speak in the third person to babies. That's how they learn who you are!

Your daughter is at that very attractive stage when MIL's just cannot resist esp if this is their first grand child. Becoming a grandma is a huge step for a mother. Esp it is from a daughter. The dynamics are different with a daughter than with a daughter in law. You will also see your MIL from a different angle, like being completely gaga over the baby and incessantly repeating nana.

It seems, she got the idea because it is her daughter's baby she has access to her the way she had with your wife esp if your wife does not object. But I think you really need to nip this in the bud and need to establish some boundaries. Your baby is not the extension of her daughter with automatic access all areas but you and your wife's child. You are a separate family and a separate household. It seems to me reasonably you do not want to gate-keep but at the same time you want her in her right place, respecting the fact you are new parents and want to enjoy your baby on your terms. Simply she just needs to communicate more and ask permission for things instead of going ahead and grabbing the baby or the pram off you esp when you are there. On the name of compromise it should not be hard even if they don't like it. On your side you could look at which of her behaviours are only annoying but with ear plugs you could potentially live with. Does your wife meet up with her mom on her own? Your MIL could get her fill that way and bond with her daughter as a new mom as well. So when you are all together she won't feel the need to be everywhere around the baby at all times.

Talk about this with your wife until she gets it, you have legitimate issues, wishes, she needs to be able to see your pov. Even if she does not agree that her mom's behaviour is a problem you can ask her to ask her mom to communicate more and ask before she grabs at least when you are there. If she refuses and doesn't see the problem then talk to your MIL directly. If you had a good relationship before I am sure you can with tact tell her these same things or deal with them as and when they happen.

Sounds like a fairly typical case of irritation between in laws!
As for the baby, if she isn't better soon, cranial sacral osteopathy is wonderful for babies with pain or discomfort, and very gentle.

Why would it need to be for a full weekend as MIL lives 50 minutes away? Most people I know travel more than that each way to work Monday to Friday. Maybe cut down the time spent?

Sounds like pretty normal excitement especially if baby is a first grandchild.
My MIL was ecstatic when we had our first she now has multiple grandchildren, our oldest was her first and it’s all calmed down with subsequent grandchildren.
Now ours are older they aren’t so bothered as the kids aren’t cute and adoring anymore.
Id be glad you have a family member who cares enough to be interested, even if it’s a little OTT, it doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything that’s totally nuts, I see some MIL threads on here and wonder how people cope, yours sounds pretty typical and I’d be cautious about sounding off to your wife about it too much as she probably appreciates her mums attentiveness.

I do feel that you need to try and have a little patience, she’s just very excited and very much in love even if overbearing 🙈. I am sure she will settle down given time.

I honestly don’t think she is doing all these things to offend nor undermine or take those precious moments away.

Her baby (your wife) has had a baby she is just overwhelmed with emotion and love. From how much you have contact with her etc I assume her and your wife have a very close relationship which is lovely of course, which is prob reason why she’s being so over powering. That’s not to undermine or to insinuate you haven’t an equally strong close bond with your parents but my mum said something to me when I had my children. All of my husbands family were excited to see the baby and come visit me to see the baby because it was exciting, their son had given them a grandchild. But my parents were excited but their main concern was me, they were worried about their baby girl who had a baby herself that with the excitement and love for their grandchild is a lot of emotions all at once maybe it’s in her nature to not cope well with emotion hence her extreme behaviour.

The nana thing isn’t her undermining the usual first words your baby will no doubt say. He answer to why was actually quite common. My mum always wore the same lovely perfume because she wanted my babies to recognise her and know who she was and associate her smell as her and feel safe. I found it rather odd at the time but they are all teens and they absolutely love that smell and think is rather cute.

the grabbing the baby, she won’t be doing it to take any time away from you she will just see that you undoubtedly get to enjoy your daughter more than she will get chance too and she just wants to grab every moment, just like you and your wife do. I bet she’d be upset if she thought she was doing it deliberately or causing resentment.

So basically I don’t doubt that she’s being overbearing but it will ease off it’s all very new for you all. It is hard to share our babies especially when so young and new. Try and have patience and see it for what I’m sure it is, love. And her saying she’s like her 3rd baby, it will because she has as much love for your little one as if she was her baby, that’s the kinda love you want for your little one. Unconditional love.

I’d say mil living 50 minutes away means she doesn’t need to stay overnight. I don’t see why you can’t tell your wife your mil is upsetting you. Don’t LET her snatch the baby off you etc. You’re the parent, you’re allowed to put in boundaries.

Does sound like she's being pretty over bearing, maybe leave it to your wife to have a gentle word though. If you don't nip it in the bud it will carry on like this and be harder to break the habit.

Just to let you know too, baby shouldn't be having naps in the car seat at home. She needs to be flat for all sleeps in a safe sleeping space, read up on positional asphyxiation.

Gokd luck with mother in law

Well in many cultures this is completely normal and while it can be annoying to you, in the grand scheme of things your dd is lucky to have such a loving granny. Cuddles, nanas, wanting to see her, asking how she is, coming over frequently etc... it's early days you're exhausted and finding your own style so it's normal for you to be irritated too. You'll find a balance. I grew up next door to my grandma and she told me I was her daughter and I loved her so much. If she is going against your parenting wishes e.g feeding her chocolate or smt that's different obv, but loving your dd? I don't think it's a big problem op. She's excited, there's no maliciousness there...

Ha! If you were a woman everyone would be saying tell your husband to tell his mother to back off a bit ! So that’s what you need to do ,tell your wife to tell her mother to back off .

@Woodenbones198901 wow! I would have told her nicely but firmly that it's annoying to hear "nana" all the time. And snatching her out of your arms and waking her up so she gets to see her. All I hear is "me, me ,me". She seems extremely self centered and I would avoid her as the plague. Tell your wife to see her when you're not around if you're not capable of telling her off when she's being disrespectful.

Anyone reading this with baby issues like OP's were - Do NOT take your delicate little child to a bloody chiropractor they do NOT have medical qualifications like healthcare professionals!!!! They are fucking dangerous and CAN kill your baby.

I have to second this.

She sounds like a total pain in the arse. The walking the baby up thing would royally piss me off. I had a MIL like this and lockdown was a relief I can tell you.

It sounds absolutely infuriating. I'm a woman and I'd be up in arms. And I think sometimes the mother-of-the-mother can start to think of herself as more important than the dad. I can't tell you what to do but I DO think you are justified in being cross.

Do what you think is right. This is Your dc. The mil has had her turn. There are no rules so do exactly what you and dw think is right.

I would not put up with this for one minute, I am a paternal grandmother and while I was very excited and happy when my first grandchild was born, and the others that followed her, I left it to the parents and never tried to interfere.I was working full time so had other things to do as well.The other grandmother was tMy own mother was also out working when my first child was born so I hardly saw her, my MIL came to cuddle the baby but did not stay long, I kept her at arms length and she knew it.
I would love to know if you have the same situation in a year's time, once the lovely new born baby stage is over and the novelty is worn off your MIL.You will see her less then, she will suddenly be "too busy" to visit as often
Other posters are right about the chiropractor.You are wasting your money and it could be dangerous.Both of my children had very traumatic births.They were born by emergency c section and were ripped out of me, one was cut by the scalpel behind his ear and the other had to have forceps applied to his head as it was jammed in my pelvis while still in the womb.This resulted in a large scratch on his cheek.I never heard of a chiropractor.
You must tell your wife her mother is becoming overbearing.My DH would ,not have put up with her behaving like that for one minute.I certainly would not, she would be told where to go very quickly.Especially if she tried to snatch the baby from our arms.I am sorry to tell you but she is obsessed and should be calmed down.

It's very normal to say smile for nana smile for pops smile for daddy etc I think you are being a little over the top counting how many times she says it in a 48 hour period

She just sounds excited to have a grand child and you come across as hating her so every little thing she does is going to annoy you because you don't like her

You need to talk to your wife about how you feel as you are going to start resenting her for making you spend so much time with her mother and it sounds like your getting jealous of her spending more time with the baby than you are

Also sleeping through at 8 weeks is nothing to do with being an amazing mum or not

And why is 7:30pm nap time

I'm not sure you can dictate where your mother in law lives unfortunately if she wants to move to the same village you have no say on the matter

Sounds to me this post has been written by a woman.
I am yet to meet a man who worries about such thing ( and no, I don’t mean any of it in derogatory terms)

That’s quite a catalogue of wrongs you have assembled! She’s definitely overstepping in some ways (waking the baby up, taking it out of your arms) but the nana thing is nonsense.

The baby will say what it says, as a first word, and it’s unlikely to be anything clearly intelligible! It will be a sort of sound that all the adults will interpret however they wish.

Three things I would say.
Don’t get too madly hung up on firsts because it just leads to weird competition and unnecessary unhappiness.
Don’t ascribe all the baby’s behaviour to the adults around it. Your baby doesn’t sleep through the night because your wife is an amazing mum - sorry to say - or because your baby is “good“. Your baby sleeps through the night because that’s just what your baby is like.
And do push back firmly if your mil is taking away too much time that you want to spend with the baby, given that you have to go to work and it’s your child!

Out of interest did the quack sorry chiropractor record their treatment on babies medical records and red book etc

The irony that if this was the Dads mother she'd be way overstepping and told to go no contact but because it's the Mom's mother its fine and 'mildly annoying'.. Shows the hypocrisy of how the Dads mom means less.