Mother in law interfering?

[Woodenbones198901]

Hi i know this is called Mumsnet but I’m a new dad to a baby girl, who’s absolutely incredible at 12weeks she has been as good as gold and starting sleeping through the night since week 8.. all down to get amazing devoted mum/my wife.

I have a question and I’m in intrigued to see if I am being unreasonable. It’s regarding my mother-in-law

I find my mil to be quite interfering at times, and I feel like she crosses some boundaries. I could be wrong but Im interested in other peoples views on the matter.

My mil has often said she sees my child as “her 3rd child” which I find strange. She loves my daughter which is great but I feel it’s the love of a mother to a baby not a grandmother to a baby, if that makes sense.

Sone things that I find inappropriate

1- she says “nana” constantly to my baby!!! an example and I quote “smile for nana, that’s it for nana, nana, big smiles for nana”. she can’t do an actively or anything without saying “nana” in her face, I counted 48 times once in a 36hour period , I have tried to bring this up in a “jokey” way and she says she’s doing it so she knows who her “nana” is, I think she’s doing it to make sure one of her first words is “nana”. I find that I’m now having to talk to be baby and say mummy and daddy way more than what feels natural/normal just because I will be heartbroken if her first world is “nana” simply because it’s said to her so much! I’m also worried that when my child is showing signs of speaking maybe sounding the letter m/n my mil will mouth “nana” instead “mumma”

2- she snatches and tries to take my child out of my arms.. one occasion was when mil was staying over, it was morning and I got up to change her nappy..I went to go back into our bedroom to have morning cuddles and smiles with my wife, when all of sudden my mil opens her door, arms up takes her out of my arms, takes her straight downstairs to play with her, I was in shock and all I could here downstairs was “nana.. nana” another example but this time I was expecting it and I wasn’t allowing it to happen to me again, we were staying around her house, my baby was having a nap on me, she woke up and was making noises, not properly crying but close to tears, for a few seconds which she does after all her naps because she was hungry, my wife was sitting next to me, I was waiting for my wife to get ready to feed her, my mil jumps up off the sofa arms out “I’ll rock her” I said “no she’s just hungry and wants feeding, I then passed her to my wife who wasnt quite ready to feed but wasn’t getting her snatched from my arms again. She was taken back by this.

3- entitlement! mil bought us a pram which was very generous of her, but I feel she thinks that means she’s entitled to push her whenever it comes out. We visited them last weekend and we went for a walk and my wife used our baby carrier as it’s sometimes easier then pushing a pram and it’s nice to be close to the baby. My mil says “I don’t like the carrier it means I can’t look at her and push her” which annoyed me because I work so i don’t often get to the parenting things like pushing her in a pram, accept on weekends and I thought that if we took the pram that moment would had been taken away from me. We have never got the pram out in her company and her not grab it and push it immediately, got given anyone else the option to push her.

4- always calling to find out how the baby is. We had to take our child to a chiropractor as she had lower back pain. Within 10mins of us coming out she was phoning, I felt like she thinks she’s the third parent! My parents waiting till the next day to ask, I’m quite fortunate that my parents give us space and are not the interfering type. I know it can be harder when it’s the fathers mil that is interfering.

5- on a recent visit to my Mil we arrived late around 7:30pm which happened to be our baby’s nap time mil was taken back and disappointed saying “oh but it’s my time with her” we left our baby in her car seat in the lounge with the visor Down, making it dark for her. Mil was itching to look at her, we said “no she’s sleeping” I also said “ it will mess up our routine if you wake her up” we went back and forth to the car unloading stuff, I heard mil husband saying “don’t do it” then mil comes in to the bedroom and says “she’s awake” mil obsession with her meant she had to open the visor and look at her causing her to wake up. She denies it but it was Blatantly obvious she did.

I was chatting to my wife about it but understandably being her mother she sees nothing wrong with it, but I can’t help but think something isn’t right, I may be making mountains out of mole hills but I’d like to know other people’s opinions on the matter.

Thank you

Chiropractors are not medical professionals.

I just want to sympathise with you OP as I could have written your exact post about my MIL - including the whole Nana thing. It was like some strange competition to be favourite. I tried to put boundaries in place but my partner never said anything to his Mum and it all came to a head eventually with a huge falling out.
Your wife needs to understand where you are coming from and help reinforce your boundaries otherwise it will just get worse. Good luck!

Thank you! I imagine being a mother and having a mil like that is far harder than the way I have it, I have said to my wife that you are lucky not to have an interfering mil, specially with all the added stresses of being a new mum, my mum said from the get go we will see the new baby as soon as you are both ready, whereas my mil had to be at the hospital the next day

In your opinion maybe not, but if you had seen the changes it made to her you might understand, I feel sorry for babies that have had a forceps delivery with lots of neck twisting, then evidently have a upset baby who can’t be touched on the necks, or only look in one direction and parents not doing anything about it. We went from an upset baby who was so uncomfortable, So tired from not being able to lay on her back for long, never going out as she couldn’t sit in a car seat, to be able to sleep through the night, full neck movements and loves her car seat..

Your baby's first word will not be Nana. As babies' gain control over their mouths, tongues etc, the first sounds they approximate are almost always m, b and g. We hear mumumuh and pretend we think it's mum because we want it to be.

However, the first words said with meaning are sometimes quite random. My baby's first words were boor (water), duh (duck) and nah-nah ( quack quack). I don't think he preferred ducks to his father but who knows.

I remember my medical doctor, an MD stressing that chiropractors are seriously the most dangerous people to go to.
They can dis-align your spine and neck just as easily as align it, causing massive, life-threatening damage.
I thought you were reasonable with your MIL argument.
I think you’re dangerously unreasonable with the baby chiropractor.
So now I’m questioning your judgment, @Woodenbones198901
It’s gotta be a no from me when you hand a 3-month-old baby over to a chiropractor instead of a pediatrician skilled in their specialty.

No chiropractor is cracking a newborns back! Similar to a cranial osteopath, its gentle movements to release tension and ease discomfort.

My sister's MIL was like this, and even our own mum goes a bit over the top during the newborn phase. She even told me that she loved her grandsons more than she did us! And she loves my sister and I a lot.
I think it is normal grandma baby fever. They stop caring about being polite, everything just becomes about the grandbabies. It calms down once the newborn phase is over and they get more tiring to care for. Try not to take it personally and just ride it out. Be happy she wants to help and be involved, you will be grateful for the help later on.

A whole 50 mins means you have to stay over?! WTF?

My forceps delivery baby was left with permanent dents in her skull. Never needed a chiropractor for her.

DH’s parents didn’t meet her for 2 weeks because they couldn’t be arsed. My mum travelled 6000 miles overnight when I was in labour.

My mum says there’s something about your daughter having a baby that brings back the memories of them being born. Grandmothers have the eggs that become their grandbabies inside them.

My relationship with my mother is challenging, but don’t underestimate the impact babies have on the line of women. DD is the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of my grandma’s eldest daughter. That’s a very special golden thread.

Your experience as a man is, I’m afraid, nothing like it.

I thought that too!

My DD and grandkids live 45 minutes away and sometimes I just go for an hour! And DD will come here with the kids for just a couple of hours. And when I do childcare I sometimes drive there and back twice to bring the DGCs to my house and then back again (though often we'll transfer the kids between cars at a half way point for one or both journeys)

I think a lot of people watch instagram videos of people cracking backs and think they Sfd going to do that with a baby! Hahs it’s tiny tiny massage adjustments. The results have been amazing! Best decision we made for her.

She is very full on. I think you need to keep pushing back.

She’s too much but she’s not being mean or anything.
but I don’t think you need to stay for the weekend just because of a 59 min drive !!!

I wouldn’t see her so much and the mana thing is normal is it not ? But I can see how she is irritating

You're not in the wrong OP, the few telling you that you are; a high proportion of them would not be saying the same thing if you were a woman posting.

As the dad, and presumably working full time long hours, you do lose a lot of time with your baby as a result. Those few hours are precious, and your MIL is totally robbing you of them whenever you're all together.

Your MIL has had her time, she needs to back the hell of it and let you enjoy yours.

Wife should be trying to understand you, not immediately jumping to the defence of her pain in the ass mother.

I'm afraid that a MIL trying to snatch my baby from my arms would be an instant dismissal from my home, and I'd not be seeing her again. Beyond anything else, it's downright rude - we were all taught not to snatch from people as children. It's that much more important you don't do it with living, tiny babies.. a fact that shouldn't even need pointing out to MIL. That could have been a serious accident right there.

You don't attempt to snatch human babies from parents arms ffs. You just don't. Never. Overbearing cunt.

I would never take a tiny baby to a chiropractor! A decent chiropractor would have told you to take the baby to your GP immediately.

His wife presumably also agreed to the chiropractor and he's explained their rationale.
From the advice given here maybe they'd seek a doctor next time but people are allowed to do what they believe to be right and they don't sound neglectful.

You need to be clear with your wife that you are unhappy with this. Mil is clearly over the top and over excited. She is a grandparent, not a parent. She needs to be told this. Your wife needs to support you in this or there will be trouble ahead for your marriage.

I think what is happening is your MIL is encroaching on family time. I'm assuming you work Monday-Friday so weekends are particularly precious at the moment as that is your time for establishing your relationship with your child? If your wife is on maternity leave then try to keep all MIL time to midweek/when you are working. Absolutely no need for anyone to stay over with a journey time of under an hour.

Over the next few months or years you will likely find you appreciate her more as older babies/toddlers are quite full on when they get moving and are in to everything! So someone who will enthusiastically supervise a game of emptying all the tupperware out of the kitchen cupboard or read the gruffalo for the 500th time that week whilst you have a peaceful cup of coffee is worth their weight in gold!

Personally I don't think grabbing a tiny baby out of a parent's hands is acceptable in any circumstances barring an absolute emergency....

@Woodenbones198901 and in true mumsnet speak "this is a dear wife" problem!! she should be putting you before her mother, just the same as if this was posted by a wife and the roles were reversed! speak to your wife and speak to your mil even if she gets offended! your baby, not mil's. perhaps, dont go for so many visits or have her visiting so often!

My dc's first word was the cat's name!! I doubt seeing a woman shouting Nanna in your dc's face will make it the first word.... Just keep to the Monday and no more. We had ils over on a Monday. If they popped in any other time I kept to my schedule.. If that meant they didn't see dc then too bad.. Keep using the sling. Practice smiling as you take your dc back when you need to. Dc needs daddy now... And smile.

Newborns shouldn't be in carseat longer than 20/30mins at a time. 2 hrs a day max. I certainly wouldn't have mine sat inside a house in one after a 50minute drive!

Chiropractors are dangerous, no one should be going to them.

There's no evidence cranial osteopathy does anything, also to be avoided but I don't think it's actively dangerous.

OP your MIL sounds a bit (well, very) irritating, but it is coming from a good place I guess. What does your wife think?

How does your wife feel about it? I know when I had a newborn I really appreciated my mum’s support and I was grateful for my husband’s patience with her to allow me to have that extra help, especially when he first went back to work. I’d have been pretty upset to have been deprived of my mum’s help because she was saying “nana” too much tbh.