to not know how to help 13 year old daughter with her depression 😢

[AlwaysConfuzzled]

13 year old DD is autistic

Highly intelligent but needs a lot of support from me in day to day things

She won’t go anywhere without me so is still dropped to / from school and she won’t try to make any food so is still made everything for her

She is vegetarian and food is a problem as she eats the same food over and over again and then dislikes it but blood tests all normal

She has been saying for months that she feels depressed and low but doesn’t know why
She refuses medication and refuses to talk to any professionals so CAHMS discharged her as she wasn’t willing to engage and private also said they couldn’t help if she wouldn’t speak in the sessions

Im at a total loss of what I should be doing 😢

Have a look at ARFID...
Curiously asking has she had Covid? My dd seems to have symptoms associated with Long Covid which include low mood..
My ds who has ASD always seems depressed.. Bit of a Woe is Me boy...

I'm autistic the food thing is normal! I once went through a stage where I only ate jacket potatoes for 18 months straight.

Has she got any friends? What's school saying about her? Does she have support at school?

Is she spending a lot of time on her devices? Apps?

I know social media use has a significant damaging effect on young girls especially. I’ve deleted them all of my youngest and her mood as definitely improved

Vitamin D supplements are really important from October to March. Did the blood test include Vit D levels? Symptoms of deficiency include anxiety and depression as well as fatigue, muscle weakness and pain.

Does she do any exercise and how much time does she spend outside? Could you do something like couch to 5km with her?

Op you have my deepest sympathy. My almost 15 year old ds is the same right now. It is so difficult. He is autistic too, has horrendous anxiety and crippling OCD. The OCD is wildly out of control at the moment.

Ds goes to camhs which I have found incredibly helpful, he is also taking medication, it has just been increased this week because he is so low the situation has become worrying. My son wouldn’t be here anymore if it wasn’t for the medication he takes.

Has your dd expressed any reason for her feeling the way she does? Can you pinpoint it back to anything? How is she at school?

Ds is currently in his third week of school absence. I can’t leave him alone at all. I am looking at clubs he can join for some socialisation. He has always been badly bullied which has left him a shell of the happy, confident little boy he once was. It’s been absolute hell for years.

Would your dd consider writing down how she is feeling? Could you sit with her and say I’m going to write a list of things I’d like to do, want to join me? And then do some of those things together to give her a little boost?

So sorry you’re going through this, it is so so difficult. Hope you’re doing ok.

I agree with vitamin D, also omega 3 (eg fish oil capsules) if you can get her to take them.
It’s so hard when we can’t help them 😥

I just try to do my best with encouraging sleep, exercise, diet, fun activities away from screens, facilitating friendships, and letting her know how much I love and adore her.

Good luck OP x

My son has asd and quote often feels low, with him it's related to anxiety (which in turn is linked to asd). Growing up with asd can also be quite an isolating experience- it's not an easy time to be different.

What we've found helps is: high strength vit d, plenty of exercise, enough sleep, some (but not too much) socialising. If any of these get out of balance his mood dips.

I'm also looking for some autism-specific counselling for him but not found anything yet.

https://www.kooth.com/
are very good for teens

https://www.qwell.io/
for your mental health also

My autistic 12 year old struggles.

She doesn't want to but she needs to:
• take melatonin in order to sleep
• exercise daily
• spend time outdoors (dog walking)
• have time alone off screens
• take multivit plus Vit D spray
• try new things (we do Scout badges)

Things have been better since she stopped going to school 5 days a week. It's just too much.

She is vegetarian too and eats one thing obsessively before moving on. I've found tinned fruit is better tolerated than fresh as it is more consistent in texture.

Is she refusing consciously to speak to those professionals, OP, or does she find herself unable to do so? Does she speak freely in other situations? For example ordering for herself in a restaurant or buying something in a local shop? Does she approach teachers at school to ask for help? Or does she find she can only respond a few words at best and can't start conversations?

I am wondering if her autism is complicated by selective mutism. If you are able to answer these queries then I can give you some further advice.

Can you go out and leave her at all for an evening so she HAS to fend for herself? I've found giving more responsibility helps and my dd likes alone time with no stress of other people. It's seems mad but doing less is often more! Give her her own jobs, ie her own washing, cooking, dishes etc. Worth a try!

Depression can be caused by low levels of Vitamin B, especially B6 and 12.

I'd start by asking her some practical questions: would she like to feel happier? Would she like to feel more confident and capable? Discuss with her what her ideal of these might look like. Get her to describe it in vivid detail. Have lots of chats about how life would be for her in an ideal world. Then work backwards from there to work out what steps she could take towards feeling that way. Talk about the inevitability of failure and disappointment from time to time and the importance of having good self-care and self-compassion strategies to boost you when these happen.

There are some workbooks for helping teens with depression, anxiety, autism etc on Amazon. I'd just type in workbook teenager + whatever concerns you and her most in the Amazon books search list and see what appeals to you.

I used to ask my autistic son (who also had ARFID restricted food problems and acute social anxiety) to imagine walking into a party where everyone smiled and looked happy to see him and said hi to him. I got him to imagine this a lot, so he really could feel the experience, if only in his imagination. Then we worked backwards from that, discussing what might make that possible for him, and then I supported him as he slowly made adjustments to his attitude and behaviour that he chose to make, until now, exactly that happens!

Same with food. We discussed how he wanted to feel and we researched the impact of food on energy, mood etc. We made lists of all the foods that might help and discussed which ones he felt able to eat.

For example, if your daughter is able to eat breakfast cereals. I know they are unfashionable UPF but they have added vitamins. Rice Krispies or Special K in particular can be great sources of Vit B. If she likes chewy gummy sweets you could add a small packet of children's gummy bear vitamins to her daily food intake too. If she likes honey or marmite, they could help. If she likes banana bread, make some with half almond flour and a spoonful of dark molasses or treacle and a small finely grated carrot as well as the usual sugar to the mix. Each time you make it slightly increase the amount of treacle or molasses. These are good sources of Vit B, A and potassium.

I'd also offer bribes. I believe in bribes. We all do things for reward in life. I'd promise her a small treat if she can increase her independence. Make tiny changes. Where you usually drop her, drop her 10 metres further from school. Then 20m, then 30 etc until she is walking the last block to school herself. Or get her to leave the house on her own and walk and you follow in the car and pick her up when she gets to the end of the road, and then round the corner etc. Tiny shifts can suddenly speed up the process. It's time consuming for us as parents but it really pays off.

Does she have a hobbie OP ? What does she do in her spare time ? Sounds like maybe a bit more activity might help perhaps ? Can you gently work on her being a bit more independent?

I'd completely take the pressure off food and similar things - it might help to get her to sit with you while you cook her food so she starts to learn passively. Don't tell her you're doing it for this reason, just say it's so you can get it right.

What does she do with her time? If there is anything positive try to do more of that. If she likes certain films for example watch them with her, just to be alongside. Try to reduce anything unhealthy.

Being there and telling her you love her probably feels like nothing, but actually it is a lot. Many kids don't have that.

I second taking the pressure right off - not saying that you are pressuring her yourself but sometimes it’s surprising what teenagers see as “pressure”. Have different kinds of food in the house but don’t react if she doesn’t want it, suggest walks/trips to the shop or wherever but don’t insist she goes if she doesn’t want to. Maybe suggest she helps you cook, or say you’re tired and you’d be grateful if she could help and give her a small task then build it up. Let her see you do stuff - if she won’t go for a walk, go anyway yourself. Take time for yourself because it’s very difficult having a teenager with these kinds of problems.

DD2 is a bit older (17) and takes medication for depression, and the specialist who prescribed it seems so laid back it made me think WTF is this guy?? He literally says things like “It’s a good idea to take your medication, but if you don’t, never mind” and has never once told her it’s important and that she must take it. I realised it’s a deliberate approach and have tried to do the same although there are non-negotiables like personal hygiene etc. DD takes her medication and although she’s not better yet hopefully she will be one day.