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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents practically moving in!!

23 replies

Busymomof3 · 09/11/2024 22:21

Dear readers..
Single mom of 3 parents are great and help out lots always have
Had a few issues in the past but it has gotten out of hand now!!at this stage!!
I live 15 minutes drive from them in a town.
They call In everyday even when I'm at work as I work pt.
They check my post a few appmts I have missed for kids and myself!! found post hidden also!!
Now need to buy a letter box with a key!!

They have spare key to my house so I know they come in when we're not here check my bins for take aways!! As my mother hates take aways says a waste of money and unhealthy!! For context we only get one a week usually at the weekend!!

When I was sick lately they didn't call!! Just didn't bother!!
My lo was sick and I had to go to work parents said they would mind him instead my mam left after an hour luckily my older 2 DC are 12 and 13 my dad decided he was taking a nap left sick Child in sitting room on he's own with the stove lit!!!
.my DD came and saw him crying looking out window for me!! she wouldn't have told me only my dad called me when my child was crying making out he missed me but I knew it was odd as he is close to GPs.

I have no privacy when I just want to chill at wknds they call unannounced!! Also my brother is living there having separated from he's wife and has 3 DC who are their every wknd but still dont get why parents have call so often!
Also when I want to do up the house or like the other day bought DS new shoes they passed comment that child didn't need new shoes!! I feel their trying to control my money!! When it's my money that I work for!!!
Any advice please!!!
Stressed mom of 3 🙈🙈

OP posts:
Volumedelachanel · 09/11/2024 22:24

Why on earth are you putting up with these abusive human beings? and subjecting your dc to this toxicity and dysfunction?

Tell them clearly they are not to drop in on your work days and change the lock for God's sake. Then work on setting other boundaries.

blackerfriday · 09/11/2024 22:25

Yep. Change the locks.

RandomMess · 09/11/2024 22:29

Change the locks and better still move further away!

DoublePasta · 09/11/2024 22:44

That's madness. All of it. You must realise from your friends relationships with their parents that this isn't normal.

I would cut down enormously on your contact with them. You can control that much more easily than you can their contact with you.

Change your locks. It's usually easy enough to do yourself.

Don't ask them to do things for you except in an emergency.

Do not volunteer information about what is happening in your life.

Spagettifunctional · 09/11/2024 22:50

This is awful - absolutely change the locks and tell them you are going out if they call - you need your privacy and they are controlling you

Thatcastlethere · 09/11/2024 22:54

You know the answer to this. You just need to woman up and change the locks. Of course they will be cross and tell you you are being unreasonable and mean. But if you want some control over your life you will have to take it back. They obviously aren't going to give it to you if their own accord. You need to be assertive. Change the locks and ask them to txt before coming over. Tell them how you feel and just sit with them being annoyed about it. It's your life.

Original poster
Busymomof3 · 09/11/2024 23:14

Thanks so much for your replies my close friend said the same I need to change the locks I will this right away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busymomof3 · 09/11/2024 23:16

Many a time I have told them to text let me know if they're calling and they still don't!!
Like for instance today it happens again both my older children had matches!!
I had said for my dad to watch my DSs match as it was on in their hometown!!no he still came in and watched my DDs match!! With the result I missed both matches!! As was on the road dropping and collecting!!!. would love to move but can't afford to unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busymomof3 · 09/11/2024 23:19

Yes you are so right I guess I don't want to upset them but 2 much has happened now!! like I'm off now all this wknd already my Saturday got disrupted.
I will tell them to call they will still call Again tmro!! I will ask them to leave tmro though I have had enough now!! And totally unfair on my DC.

OP posts:
Anisty · 09/11/2024 23:41

It's illegal for them to open your mail. They have zero respect for you.

There should be no need to change locks. Meet them somewhere on neutral ground for a conversation. Get your key back then. Bash out some boundaries.

Presumably you still want their help with your kids? Changing the locks is not going to do anything to improve your relationship.

LaLaLaurie · 09/11/2024 23:45

Have you consider moving a little further away? Definitely change the locks and get a Ring doorbell so you can see them trying to come and go if you’re not home.

FictionalCharacter · 09/11/2024 23:51

Don't just change the locks, have a serious talk with them and tell them things are going to change.
They actually opened your mail? That's unforgivable. You need to get over not wanting to "upset" them, their behaviour is outrageous.

cherish123 · 09/11/2024 23:56

YANBU
However, I wouldn't expect them to come round if DC ill as they may pick something up. 1 takeaway a week is a lot (said in jest).

DuckDuckG00se · 10/11/2024 00:03

Change locks & nominate someone else to be your spare key holder. If they absolutely must have emergency access to your home, consider a key safe & only give them the code if you decide they need to enter.

Schedule visits as per a timetable: tell them when they can visit or when you'll visit & stick to it. Don't answer the door if they turn up outside of those times (privacy curtains, window film or blinds are your friends).

If they make unsolicited comments about buying children new shoes, etc, respond with a "I didn't invite your opinion" and grey rock the rest of the time.

Stop asking them to call before visiting and just bloody tell them - it's time to lay down the law.

You need to get over not wanting to "upset" them, their behaviour is outrageous

BruFord · 10/11/2024 00:09

You’re in a difficult situation as it sounds as if you still need them to help with childcare, especially for your youngest.

Def. get a mailbox that locks and keep any private papers locked away

toomuchfaff · 10/11/2024 15:38

Lock your doors. If they have a key, change the locks. Take command of your house. It's your house.

Lock the door, don't answer the door. Tell them "not right now thanks, am busy, see you later "

It's your house.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/11/2024 15:46

They check my post a few appmts I have missed for kids and myself!! found post hidden also!!

What do you mean? They are opening your post? And hiding your post? Where:how do you know? Why are you missing appointments?

Depending on the answers to those questions, I would probably be taking their key off them, and telling them in no uncertain terms that they were interfering in my life and it needed to stop now. No unannounced or uninvited visits, no visiting when you aren’t home, no comments about what you spend your money on.

Don’t use them for childcare either.

BruFord · 10/11/2024 16:19

One thought, OP. You say that some post has been hidden, which is very peculiar. Do you think that one (or both) of them could be suffering from cognitive decline?

If this type of behavior is new, it could be a sign of illness.

Frozensnow · 10/11/2024 16:21

I didn’t read it all because there was too many exclamation marks but if they’re going in your house when you don’t want them to then change the locks

NewName24 · 10/11/2024 20:29

You do realise that if you change the locks (apart from the fact it will cost you money) you will also be taking away the childcare you seem to depend on ?

Don't get me wrong, they have clearly crossed a boundary and there is no way they should be looking at your post, but you need to challenge them about that - very strongly, and point out how big a thing this invasion of your privacy this is.
(I am putting 2 and 2 together here but) do you think you have relied upon them so much that they still think of you as a child who needs looking after / sorting out?
You need to have a discussion to confront them about the things you will not accept, whilst at the same time perhaps creating other options for yourself so you aren't relying on them every time you need help.

Original poster
Busymomof3 · 11/11/2024 08:07

Anxiety thanks for your teply my close friend has said the same they have zero respect for me.
Yes Your right if I change the locks it costs money also and my dad would sneak a spare key when I'm not there. As my older son would be home alone sometimes if I'm late from work or running errands.
So that of won't work I will be getting a ring doorbell though and the letter box.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busymomof3 · 11/11/2024 08:11

Lalalaurie I have considered it and I actually probably would move a bit further away if a house came up for rent.
There are no houses around I'm living in Ireland.
Housing not good at the moment.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 11/11/2024 08:12

Ring doorbell and alexa so you can make an announcement asking them if there is a problem

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