To avoid this Christmas get-together with a new baby?

[VereeViolet]

I’m approaching my due date with my first baby. She is expected to arrive around the end of November. As far as we can tell, baby is healthy and I’ve had the flu, whooping cough and RSV vaccinations as recommended by my midwife.

DH’s stepbrother is setting up a Christmas get-together for mid-December, which will include him, his partner, their three children, his daughter from his first marriage, her husband and their new baby (born in July), as well as my FIL and his friend. I know I’m not going to feel like seeing all of these people a few weeks after I give birth. I’m not close to most of them (and neither is DH particularly), but I would normally make an effort as they are family.

My concern is that it’s flu season and there will be a lot of people there, including children. I’m worried that baby won’t have a good immune system yet and might catch something awful. It will also be chaotic and I fear losing control of the situation, such as people kissing the baby on her face which I don’t want. On the other hand, there aren’t that many opportunities to see this part of the family and I know they’ll be disappointed if I don’t go.

Am I being overly cautious if I choose not to go? DH doesn’t care much one way or another and says I should do what I’m comfortable with. We’re going to see some people shortly after the birth, including FIL, but not in such a large group.

Apart from worries about the baby's immune system, (which you might be more anxious than needed about, but who cares - it's your first baby, you're allowed to be anxious!) I wouldn't make firm plans for a couple of weeks after your due date. You have no idea how you'll feel, or if the birth will be later than expected. You'll never get those first few weeks back, so spend them how feels best to you.

I was 13 and 14 days late with my two. So it isn’t a good idea to make any commitments for 2-3 weeks after your due date!! it might end up only being 5 days after the birth. You might need to remind your DH of this. I’ve worked with blokes who seemed to assume that due date meant the likely birth date.

I had my baby last November.
They wanted me to travel 5 hours with a 5,3 and 6 week old baby to sleep on a floor with all my in-laws.

We declined.

Turns out I was sick at Christmas. My elder child brought a nasty cold back from nursery! It was horrendous! My baby was coughing constantly, none of us were able to move without migraines. Whole Christmas holidays ruined.

My in-laws were also sick to.

Protect your health and your peace x

Totally agree with pp. DD1 had a two week NICU / SCBU stay after a low risk pregnancy so a surprise to us all. I think I'd just be saying that you'll see how you feel after the birth and let everyone know nearer the time. For me, i would not have wanted to go - i would have been still bleeding a lot, getting to grips with breastfeeding, crying (a lot!). But I know some of my friends would have been absolutely fine. Once baby is here, if you still feel the same way, you can just let them know you won't make it.

I'd just say it's too close to your due date to commit this time, but you look forward to seeing them all in the New Year. Maybe even set a date for that, invite them over.
Meanwhile, I wouldn't worry too much about the baby's immune system - a healthy newborn baby gets some immunity from its mother. But if you feel you want to hunker down at home with the baby for a few weeks, that is absolutely your shout.

You might enjoy getting out for a couple of hours. Wait and decide later.

@VereeViolet I couldn’t be arsed with that 😂 but then I had my baby in mid November and absolutely relished staying in, watching films, being cosy and rarely leaving the house until around February!

Do what suits you and for now I would just tell them you’ll see how you feel.

Say no now and you aren't worrying or thinking about it.

I wouldn't do this with a baby who's had no vaccinations under 6 months probably but some said I was OTT - and I couldn't care less what others thought, my baby and my rules.

Do what you feel comfortable with and if that's staying away the do that.

You don’t have to commit to anything you don’t want to do, and you would be absolutely fine to play it by ear. But as someone who has had a baby at that time of year, I was absolutely happy and ready to go out and do things by then, and I jumped on any opportunity to get out and about and talk to some people and enjoy showing them the baby. I found that by mid December all the places and things we wanted to go out and do were booked up, or not running, like baby groups or services, all stopped for the holidays or running a santa special or some such you had to book. I was going stir crazy after only a few days. I ended up in lots of places just to keep me busy - shops were mad so I’d go off round the charity shops which were less busy, cinema, Christmas lights, all kinds of places. I hosted Christmas dinner for extended family and went out for new year party until past midnight. I wouldn’t rule it out, we are all different, and going out might feel like absolutely what you need - great - or not - great - you get to choose but don’t turn it down unnecessarily.

Kindly, I would say your concerns about the flu season are a bit over-anxious. It is flu season yes, but you could just as easily pick up germs in the supermarket, or your DH could bring germs in from work etc etc. Second babies often have toddler siblings at nurseries and the germs that come home then are off the scale!

Don't let people kiss your newborn baby's lips/face anyway. It's a big cold sore risk and those can be incredibly dangerous for newborns. Flat no there from me when mine were tiny, I didn't care who it was.

I don't think you need any excuse not to go through. If you feel up to it at the time then fine, but if you don't want to go then just say no. If you already know you don't want to, then just say so now.

Thanks for the invite, being close to my due date, am not going to commit to anything, thanks, hope to see you.

Leave it very open - we will make it if we can. They’ll understand!

Check if it’s ok if you let them know after your baby is born, you may feel like getting out for a couple of hours and showing off your baby.

I wouldn’t make firm plans but also wouldn’t say no. My DD was born the end of November and we were out and about within a few days and glad of it (she’s 18 now).

It all depends on how things go. I loved being able to go and visit people, that way we could leave on our terms and we weren’t stuck indoors all day. I was breastfeeding too so could always use that for disappearing for a bit.

Respond saying we don’t want to commit but all going well we will be there then the day before tell them you/DH or baby are not feeling well.

Just to add to what lots of PPs have said, it's your baby and you just need to do what you're comfortable with. It's completely normal to be cautious about bugs and germs with newborns, especially during the winter months. The Lullaby Trust has some useful guidance on how to communicate your wishes around hygiene and your newborn with friends and family, if you're not sure how to go about it: www.instagram.com/p/DBikKW2NpPs/?igsh=MW56cG4wNW5hYWttaQ==

Like most, I'd just say "I can't commit, as obviously don't know how we'll be feeling then. Indeed, don't know if we will have even had the baby then".

Then see how you are at the time.

The time-gap from the end of November to mid-December is too short for you to know OP.
It's possible you may not have had your baby by then (2 weeks late is fairly common).
It takes some women much longer to recover from giving birth than others and to establish a feeding routine. And that's if there are no unexpected complications!

You can't commit that close to your due date - I was still heavily bleeding a week or two beyond the birth, and spent time in bed with baby blues, exhaustion from sleep deprivation so I'd probably just decline - what about a Teams call so everyone can see the baby on screen together?

Just say that you can't commit, and if your husband is tricky about it at the time, ask your midwife to have a word with him. They're very good at encouraging you to do what you feel comfortable with.

(As opposed to Mumsnet, where you get posters telling you how they invited both families and the full cast and crew of strictly come dancing to the hospital because they couldn't wait to show off their baby - which is super irrelevant to what YOU are comfortable with.)

Similarly to you, my due was last year on the 29th November and he arrived late on the 2nd December. There was no way in hell I'd have wanted to travel nor host anyone three weeks later! I had third degree tears and stitching after a bit of a traumatic labour and I was still bleeding at that point and couldn't even walk properly! NOT suggesting at all that this will happen to you, but my point is you just don't know how you're going to be feeling and I really wouldn't commit to anything that you're in two minds about so close to your due date. We ended up having such a fabulous Christmas just the three of us at home on Christmas Day and we're doing the same this year!

I’d just knock it on the head so you aren’t fretting over it and say it’s too close to your due date so you’re not committing to Xmas plan this year. Your concerns aren’t that extreme, some people feel comfortable out with baby much faster than others and that’s their call to make. I’ve got a five year old and after my son catching a horrendous bug last Xmas that ruined most of our plans for weeks I’m slightly warey this year of overcommitting us!

You sound just like me 😂 that's exactly what I did and it was bloody wonderful!

I would say this, yes

I really regret making too many plans with my first. It was a challenging birth and looking back I was not processing it and he was also 11 days late just fyi.

Ended up in EMCS and then the visitors started to pour in and I felt pressure to meet with my new NCT Mum friends. It was far too much.

My second child showed me what the 'newborn bubble is' and I finally understood why people love the newborn phase and get upset when they grow out of newborn clorhes etc.

My first I was distraught throughout! He was a really challenging newborn, was so alert and wouldn't go down for naps without lots of help and then go over tired. Didn't feed well as was over tired, didn't sleep for long as was hungry, had terrible witching hours which sent me over the edge. You just don't know what you're going to get.

Out of curiosity what is stopping you saying tentative as an rsvp if your partner doesn't care? Who is it you're worried about?