To find this mums friendship a bit overbearing

[muah]

I've started being friends with one of the mums from school. Her child is in the same class as mine ( reception ). We've known each other since the summer term last year.

It's become a bit of a friendship. She's a lovely, helpful person. She's always offering to help with my kids by picking them up etc. or if I mention I'm looking for something - she's always offering suggestions / help etc. really, very helpful.

I am trying to be helpful back as much as I can of course.

Personality wise, she's very alpha. She's got this ' take charge ' energy, which is amazing, but sometimes it can be a little bit overbearing and I don't know - something about it, seems off in my gut. I don't know how else to describe it.

We speak quite regularly now and sometimes I guess it's a bit much for me.

She's the sort of person who has an answer for everything and is massively dominant. She doesn't mean to ever be rude, but I can see how eventually I might find her behaviour too domineering and rude. I tend to fall into the trap with people like this and eventually I end up not wanting to be around them.

I don't want this to happen here but something in my gut feels off and I don't know if it's just me and the way I am in my older age.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm concerned about the amount of contact being too much for me and I'm also concerned about the dominant behaviour and that eventually it's going to annoy me and then it's going to be too late and it's going to be awkward.

Does this make any sense ? Or do I sound like the issue here.

I’d just scale the relationship back to a level you feel comfortable with. If you normally see her every weekday then make it every other and so on. Reassess once you’ve done that. It sounds like a faint alarm bell is ringing for you, don’t ignore it.

Just an example, we went to a kids party a couple of weeks ago- she called me before I left, asking what I was doing, when am I getting there ? What's the plan for after ? She then asked me to text her when I left to go to the party etc. just a bit much.

Then rang later in the evening go check we got home ok.

Yep scale it back. It will feel awkward but you've got to do it before she gets more entwined in your life.

I know what you mean!

You need to put boundaries in.

she is pushing because you are letting her and every time you do she pushes a bit more.
she is pushing because you don’t want to tell her to back down a bit because you feel it is rude and don’t want to upset her rather than think hey this is a bit full on and she isn’t respecting me or treating me as an equal so I’m going to push back nicely here.

you have quite happily been able to look after yourself for years before you knew her and have every right to answer im a fully fledged adult I am perfectly capable of handling this. You can do it in a nice way and thank her for caring but you also need to shut her down a bit.

if she kicks off about it then it tells you every you need to know and it will show she isn’t actually your friend

"if she kicks off about it then it tells you every you need to know and it will show she isn’t actually your friend"

This actually happened to me recently! I kept polite but distanced myself and boy I got my arse handed to me on a plate via text - it was ridiculous! Says a lot about her and made me realise I did the right thing, she's crazy.

So yeah op distance yourself but be prepared for any potential fall out. Some people can't read between the lines and just back off.

Take control of the narrative. Don’t respond to every text.

She's overbearing and the worst of it she's probably just trying to be nice so it's difficult to call her out on it. I would stop answering every time she called just to make yourself less available. And also be very firm when you don't want to do something. Push back gently, withdraw and try to include other mums in school to form a group rather than just being with her at your own.

I definitely don't want a confrontation about it. I'll just slowly be a bit less available. She's not a bad person but something feels off. It's probably me !

Don't say it's probably you OP! Sounds to me like it's definitely her.

I know a woman like this and she became a right pain in the arse. Always had an opinion on everything, telling people in a bossy / overbearing way what they should do about whatever was going on in their lives - very well-meaning (I think!) but highly irritating after a while.

Boundaries.

Thats all you need.

It is fine to be different people with different needs. I do find some friends can get a bit “too much” for me.

What I did with a friend like this (after she text 3 of my other friends worrying because I didn’t reply to her for 4 hours)…

1. set boundaries and stick to them
2. make it clear I’m coming off phone / unavailable for a period of time. For example if she text me or called I’d tell her I can’t answer or text and got lots to do so won’t be on phone for rest of the day.
3. take longer to reply than I used to, instead of seeing text and responding as soon as I read it, I’d finish the task I’m doing first or give it a couple of hours
4. if she really does get too much, tell her. It’s hard and confrontational and hopefully doesn’t get to that, but after my friend messaged my other friends wondering why I didn’t reply for 4 hours - I told her she was a bit barmy and that I needed more space!

Do not let this get out of hand, I come from experience. I had a school mum friend who overstepped my boundaries and I let her too many times. Its so much harder to back off at that point. Just be unavailable but perfectly pleasant when you see her. I did this, it was painful at first but she slowly got the msg and latched onto other people. When you see them latch onto others so easily you see it's not actually you they're interested in and it shows you all you need to know.

This is such a good point!

Yeah she knows everyone and everything. She's extremely outgoing, confident. I doubt I'm the only one in any way.

Nip it in the bud, OP. I personally would refrain from confronting her about her behaviour just because you have to see her every school day and your kids are friends. However, definitely become less available and don’t answer phone calls. If you let it continue like this, she may well become very controlling as your other mum friendships blossom. I have one close school mum friendship and we don’t place any sort of expectation on one another. I don’t like the alpha female types as friends tbh, I’m quite laid back and I only become close with people who won’t exploit that.

Oh and her behaviour during/after the party sounds very odd. You’re not a child, why is she calling you to check you’ve got home okay?! I may text a friend after a night out to check she got home in a cab okay. But a school mum after a kids party? Never. Feels quite patronising and very intrusive.

Oh and her behaviour during/after the party sounds very odd. You’re not a child, why is she calling you to check you’ve got home okay?! I may text a friend after a night out to check she got home in a cab okay. But a school mum after a kids party? Never. Feels quite patronising and very intrusive

She was also worried I wouldn't make it in time because my husband was doing something in the morning and I needed the car etc. I was like no don't worry I'll get there fine... thanks.. she's just like that. I think she means well, she's just very dominant/ mum type.

I was perfectly on time btw.

Urgh I’ve been there and it is really hard. I let it go on too long and with ended up being like a messy break up lol. Like PP said, pleasant but unavailable early on should work, I tried this later down the line then she accused me of leaving her out of things, seeing I was online responding to others but not her etc. nip that in the bud!

Oh wow @muah, she sounds a lot. Even
if you were running late, it had absolutely nothing to do with her. It’s the type of friendship that needs a firm hand and boundaries. It’s really good you’ve recognised it, it’s early enough to take a bit of control back.

You are not wrong.
Weird and controlling and it will blow up.
Back gently away but say nothing.
Less availability.
Discourage the friendship, she will have her nose stuck in it too.

I know. It's left me feeling uncomfortable. She really does try to help, but it's overbearing.

My husband says it's my fault and I always 'let people in too much '. Sigh