Ex and new partner posting selfies with my child

[marcus216uk]

I am currently engaging in mediation with my ex.
I attended my MIAM 5 weeks ago, my ex last week.
The first joint session will be within the next 2 weeks.

The issue we cannot agree on are child arrangements.
I have our child 3 days a week minimum, every weekend friday until monday.
My ex has never been interested in weekends but now she is.
Thats where we disagree.

I understand i have him more than most dads have their child, and i know i am lucky in that sense.
I agree with her reasoning, that he would like to spend time with her and his siblings on days other than school nights, completely understandable and in theory perfectly acceptable however i have concerns that make things difficult.

My ex and her new partner are taking cocaine regularly.
I do not know exactly to what extent but it is a problem.
I have raised this previously to social services, provided evidence for this and my ex up until now has been happy not to have weekends at all because it is easier for her to engage in these activities without a 3 year old present.

I have informed her that i will be asking for drug testing in mediation before i can commit to child arrangements.
I understand this is voluntary but i have offered to pay for it so that we can discuss arrangements that are in the best interest of our child.
She has told me she will refuse to take a test.
I have made it clear that i can accept recreational use because i cannot prove that she is taking it around our child.. dependency however i cannot.
Still a categorical no.

It may seem strange that she cares for our child throughout the week but yet i refuse weekends, but that is because there is only so much i can do.
Social services have not tested her or her partner. They just advise she does not take drugs to an extent that she cannot care for her children. Unless he is directly affected there is nothing i can do.
I have to accept this. My issue then becomes preventing him from being around it as much as possible, which i believe to be weekends, where it is most likely she will be taking it in larger quantities, drinking and being with others that are doing the same. Especially when she hasnt got commitments such as taking her children to school the next day.

This is causing major friction between us.
She has begun posting pictures of her and our child with her new partner, not natural pictures but selfies.
She isnt just posting these pictures on her page but they are her profile photos.
She has 2 other children. Neither of their fathers have ever been involved in their lives, i actually raised them.
He has 3 children of his own. He has full custody because his wife has her own issues.
No photos are ever posted like this of any of the other children, only mine, the only co-parent actively involved in their childs life.

This is really annoying to me. Its bad enough that the only child i have has a mother that became a drug addict, but to have an affair with another drug addict and introduce him into our childs life and then to be publicly flaunting it.. clearly due to the fact that im the only fit parent in any of their childrens lives therefore the only one raising these concerns.. i personally find it dispicable, completely unneccessary and her way of using our child to get back at me.

We will probably not agree in mediation and it will end up going to court.
This will only cause more conflict i imagine.

Should i just ignore the fact she is doing this or am i right to raise this with her?
Not that she will listen, there is a purpose to it and it is working.
I know alot of you will have experienced something similar and is this just something we all have to accept and does it get easier as time goes on?

the question is am i being unreasonable for thinking about asking her why she is doing this and for her to have some decency and refrain from posing for selfies and setting them as her profile photo at least.
Can i at least have a discussion about how she uses these photos?

I was thinking the same thing. Before I even read the replies I knew how it was going to go.

OP I wouldn't bother raising it. I can understand why it's annoying you, but if she IS doing it to wind you up then you raising it will let her know it's working.

I am not asking for drug testing in a court setting it is in mediation.
If she agrees and there is honesty on this issue then i am willing to make arrangements that suit both of us, and our child.
I do not own him she deserves to have days out regardless of her drug use as long as she is not dependent on it.
Im not just using drugs to try and remove him from her.

I see alot of people on here complaining about recreational cannabis use and i think its ridiculous, my issue is cocaine addiction.. not recreational use.

It will be hair testing i will be requesting. I want to see a pattern not just a quick test to see if she has used recently.
If she can prove she can not take it for a certain period then i am ok with that.
Some people do mention this..
"but they will stop for the testing then go back on it"
.. if she can do that then she is not an addict.

If i didnt think she was addicted then i wouldnt be going to these extremes.
That is why i have no worries about informing her beforehand.
Cocaine addiction is not easy to just stop, then start again.
And if she can do that then it is what it is.

It is not in our childs interest to prevent access to his mother because of recreational drug use, whether its class A or class C.

If she refuses to be tested in mediation however then i will be going to court and i will be trying to force it on her, and with her refusing testing in mediation and the stepdown plan from social services im hoping that a judge will see sense and make her take one because there are consequences for refusal in court.

I think the problem you have here is that you are asking for advice in a forum for women.

You provided social services with evidence of drug use, you suspect your ex is an addict. Social service accept this, accept that she is taking drugs whilst caring for your child, but they allow her to continue.

Many women will have difficulty understanding this. Likely because, if the shoe was on the other foot, the man would have all contact with his child cut until he can provide a clean test.

This isn't the standard for the mother, as you have showed yourself.

I think you'd be better advised elsewhere. Maybe a man's forum.

I also think you should clarify why you don't apply for full custody. Is it your living situation? Your job? It will help people understand the situation better.

I agree. It's really galling.

full custody will not be granted unless he is directly affected. As long as a child is happy, clothed properly, there is food in the cupboards and he is attending school and appointments they will not remove a child from his mother.
I work full time, 50 hours per week. She is a stay at home mum.
I live at my aunties home.
I am saving up but mediation and court will cost money.

When i left the home i left everything with her.
I left with nothing.

I never had my own savings i gave her everything i earned, well not her but the family as a whole.
Me, her, our child and the 2 children she had from previous relationships.
Their fathers werent involved at all.

None of this is as easy as just ask for full custody.
I didnt predict or plan for this.

Im doing this because i have to. I didnt have a child to be raised like this.

Where are her other children while she is taking coke?

Take it to court.
The judge will help you both decide what's right.
Ime mediation is a waste of time

Her other children are 14 and 9.
Mine is 3.
She has her children with her through the week but then if she wants to stay out her 14 year old stays at her friends house and her 9 year old stays with her mother, the childrens grandmother.
Its not like she doesnt have it whilst they are in her care, she is a functioning drug addict.
Her new partner lives at his mothers house after recently splitting from his wife.
His wife and my ex were best friends and all 3 of them are cocaine addicts, my ex was actually maid of honor at their wedding.

So she stays at his home or he stays at hers. But he can afford to fund both of them because he doesnt pay any bills.
Thats why it doesnt affect the children currently.
Her bills are paid by universal credit.

If they ever live together however, things will change.
She will have to claim together with him who works, and thats where the issues will begin to be more noticeable.

But in the meantime she goes to his mums or he goes to hers and they act like a normal family because they havent got the monthly expenditure of a normal family.
His wife however, that became noticeable quite quickly.

I would have an issue with my child being flaunted on social media.

Have you considered that she is posting publicly to rile and annoy you, pushing your buttons so you will retaliate. To what end? What will she gain?

In reality you cannot control what she does on her social media, unless its something illegal obviously, but harmless selfies of her child... well that's just bait. And it sounds like she knows how to trigger you?