Why don't people listen when they are told a person is violent?

[girlfriend44]

Without outing there's been a serious domestic abuse case round here, resulting in the perpetrator being sent to prison and the familys lives being ruined on the outside.

The person was warned he/she was violent and he/she had been violent with ex partner and they had split up

Why don't people listen?
Do they think they can change a person, and it won't happen to them?

If your know someone's violent and abusive steer clear. Not worth it. Better to be on your own.
So many lives torn apart.

Listen to… you?
Maybe because they don’t value or trust your opinion

were you are ex of this person?

Because they are victims and the abuser will have got into their minds.

so if he’s been convicted and imprisoned

this person must have reported the abuse and taken right through to appearing in a trial against him. Brave woman

They don't always believe it? Some people are great at hiding their true colours, some people make up shit about other people, some people prefer to make their own judgement. Any number of reasons. That said if I was told someone was violent I would certainly be keeping them at arms length for a very long time

Abusive men (it’s usually men) choose women with low self esteem, live bomb them and tell them all about their crazy ex who lies or made them do something bad.

This person is charming their next victim, treating them amazingly and the victim wants to believe what they are seeing infront of them. That THIS person is real, that it will be different.

But he is so good to me…… she must be crazy. She was cheating/he was just defending himself, he would never do that to me.

Until he does and then she becomes the crazy ex in the story.

Abusers are often smooth talkers. Romance, love bombing, sympathy seeing, faking connection.

They choose their victims well.

If people could see through them, no abusive person would ever get a partner.

People believe the crazy ex stories.

They want to believe the person saying they ove them is telling the truth

would you have listened to anyone telling you to end it with your now ex before you married him?

sounds very much like victim blaming to me

Because love and lust are very powerful.

No.

Presumably because the people doing the warning are seen as biased. And because abusive men are very good at painting other women they have been involved with as “crazy” so it becomes plausible.

Without knowing the details of what you are talking about I assume you either are or know the ex partner of this violent man. Any woman he takes up with is going to avoid a warning from you because she considers that you are trying to sabotage the relationship.

That kind of warning needs to come from a genuinely neutral and unbiased source.

It’s rubbish but a lot of women are so desperate for a relationship at any costs they are hardwired to ignore the warnings and abusive men prey on this.

A better question would be why are people constantly victim blaming. There are domestic violence charities and organisations for a reason, because abusers are so good at manipulative and controlling behaviour that victims are usually emotionally , physically and financially trapped by these monsters.

Not sure what you mean, but if I knew a man was abusive and violent then no I wouldn't be interested. Life is hard enough without all that crap. I'd prefer to stay on my own.

Hardly likely to admit to it! 😆

you have an ex husband
presumably for a reason

Abusers are often very different to outsiders than they are to their family or partners. They tend to love bomb their targets so it's very difficult to believe that they're abusive. They groom people like other predators and people are taken in.

It's not uncommon for people to blame the victim for causing the abuse because the perpetrator is so charming.

The warning wasn't from me.

but goodness me… it’s irritated you enough to start a thread about it. Apparently being an outsider to it all

Because on the whole we still bring up our girls to be caring and believe they can fix people amongst other things

Why don't people listen?

1. because love/lust is madness and we are all vulnerable. Nor should you underestimate the power of loneliness. Or social pressure to couple up.

2. no one treats you better than an abusive/predatory man. At the beginning. Once you're emeshed in their silken web, well, it's a different story.

3. the best way to get someone to go left is to tell them to go right. No one likes bring told what to do. Stealth and persuasion are required. Try Clare's Law and keep the green flags under her nose.

4. you're forgetting the myth of the bad man being transformed by the love of a good woman. It's pervasive and destructive. It is the siren song of the power of love.

5. he's been working really hard on how to get her. Really hard. He's practiced daily on all sorts of women and watches her assiduously like a hawk with OCD. He also watches for which of her friends will support him and those who will obstruct him.

Be kind

Be nice

Don't make a fuss

Love can fix him

All the tired tropes .

Don't forget - I'll just try harder.

People always get the wrong end of the stick. I'm an outsider. Why do I have to be the ex?

It’s possible that he/she portrayed themselves as the victim in the situation and their ex as controlling/psycho/bunny boiler etc. That all the accusations against them were lies and their ex is dangerous and out to ruin their lives. They are probably low level controlling their new partner too.