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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spending for siblings at Christmas now we have babies

28 replies

NewBoyMama · 09/11/2024 14:59

Hi, this is my first post but just looking for opinions really.

We have had a baby this year, as have my DB + SIL.

I am NHS staff & my husband is a civil servant and they earn substantially more than myself & DH - even before being on maternity leave pay.

We would usually spend approx. £60 on each other each Christmas and birthday, would it be unreasonable to suggest we do not buy presents for each other now/just a token present as a couple (bottle of wine etc) and focus on just buying for the babies instead?

Interesting in gathering some options! Thank you!

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 09/11/2024 15:02

Good idea, but you should have a conversation asap.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/11/2024 15:02

I think as you’re both at the same stage that’s absolutely fine to suggest. We only give presents to the kids in our family, but I was a bit annoyed that it was only suggested once we had DC as we were the last ones, so had a few years of forking out for siblings plus baby gifts!

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 09/11/2024 15:02

My older 4 dc now do a secret santa between them, it means each one gets something nice and nobody is paying out a fortune.

OrigamiOwls · 09/11/2024 15:23

I think as you're both at the same stage it's fine to suggest but you need to have the conversation asap.

Makingchocolatecake · 09/11/2024 15:35

I think in a year or two you might be less besotted by the baby bubble and want your own presents! But could reduce the amount.

Wonderwall23 · 09/11/2024 15:38

I think you're at a good point to have that conversation and its great you're both at the same stage.

My sister and I only buy for kids now at Christmas. We still do a small token gift to each other for birthdays but that's just our preference...there's not a right or wrong.

I would probably agree a rough budget for the children too. E.g. we spend about £25 each on nieces and nephews because it feels like the right amount...not really to do with affordability...I wouldn't set a standard of £60.

Original poster
NewBoyMama · 09/11/2024 16:00

Thank you for all of your responses!
It's really helpful x

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/11/2024 16:06

you’re Very late to have this conversation though - if money is tight it’s quite possible they’ve been spreading Christmas presents over months and already got them.
you need to talk to them asap or accept this might be next year’s plan.

Peanut91 · 09/11/2024 16:12

We do a secret Santa for the adults in my family. We have done it for 4 years now and it works really well as each adult gets one more expensive present rather than loads of pointless shit. We then also all buy for the kids

Hopper123 · 09/11/2024 16:13

Absolutely yes as long as you have the conversation beforehand, once you have kids you tend to enjoy more in watching them enjoy their gifts than receiving then yourself anyway and it can get really expensive. We often also do secret santa with my husbands 4 siblings and their partners with a price limit which means that everyone gets one present so thats also a good idea. Or we do it where at another point in the year we all pitch in organise a nice evening out altogether for dinner or theatre. It works well for us. You should definitely speak up if it's no longer affordable no point stressing or getting into debt for it be straight forward with them and enjoy spending money on neices and nephews (it's lovely) .

Rainbowdottie · 09/11/2024 17:47

I think you just need to word what you've put here..."hi! How are you? Just thinking about Christmas,birthdays etc and how expensive it's going to get now we've all got kids! we've decided to only buy for the children now,moving forward. Hope we can have a get together over the Christmas period 🎄❤️"

I wouldnt start getting into shall we buy each other token gifts, small gifts, joke gifts....you'll end giving a bottle of wine...if money is of no issue to them, they'll probably end up getting something more substantial and you'll only end up feeling bad anyway . Tbh there's no point, all keep your own money and spend it on yourselves!

We used to give a token £10 in each siblings card on both sides of family for birthdays. It was madness. I'd pay out say £60 over the course of the year....all to receive £60 back on my birthday! Crazy!

Your siblings may even be relieved! It's just who is going to have that "first conversation ".

user1471538283 · 09/11/2024 17:55

Do a secret Santa for the adults or if you can offer to babysit one night and they babysit in return or everyone goes out for dinner at some point?

We no longer have young children and for several years my present to my DA and DU has been lunch somewhere nice after Christmas.

parietal · 09/11/2024 18:18

We have a rule among extended family that children buy for children but not aunts/uncles for children. So my 2 dds give to my sisters 3 kids and my sisters 3 kids give to mine. Obviously gifts are actually organised by the adults but as the kids get older they can pick something for their cousins. And that means the number of things given / received matches up and is fair.

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/11/2024 18:46

We only buy for kids on one side as all have kids. Other side we don't all have children so do secret santa between 6 of us (siblings plus partners) and we have 15 pound limit. I think setting a spending at least would be good.

Honestly I know everyone is different but 60 quid for siblings seems excessive!

NewName24 · 09/11/2024 18:48

We did this for a few years when our dc were little and money was tight.

You just need to have the conversation, but be aware they might have already started Christmas shopping.

The other alternatives are to spend a LOT less per person, or, as a pp said, to do a sort of secret Santa so all adults get one present, for a higher amount.

EmpressaurusDelleGatte · 09/11/2024 18:50

When people do secret Santas, does that mean each adult gets one present altogether or do couples still buy for each other too? Just curious about how it works.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/11/2024 18:53

We've done the opposite, we decided to ditch the kids and get presents for each other. I have two sisters and I really enjoy their presents and shopping for them. We started with presents for kids and adults but then it got crazy as each new baby arrived, esp for DSis2 who didn't have kids but would have 7 kids to buy for. We toyed with just focusing on the kids but they had so much from grandparents and Santa, we decided to go back to how it was pre kids the exception being godchildren.

Allswellthatendswelll · 09/11/2024 18:57

EmpressaurusDelleGatte · 09/11/2024 18:50

When people do secret Santas, does that mean each adult gets one present altogether or do couples still buy for each other too? Just curious about how it works.

Edited

We do each adult in three couples so six of us. It was a way to include partners in sibling presents but cut down on how many each person was buying (so one not four). I use an online allocator that excludes your spouse.

Obviously couples can buy for each other separately. We don't always bother we often just go for a nice meal.

EmpressaurusDelleGatte · 09/11/2024 19:03

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/11/2024 15:02

I think as you’re both at the same stage that’s absolutely fine to suggest. We only give presents to the kids in our family, but I was a bit annoyed that it was only suggested once we had DC as we were the last ones, so had a few years of forking out for siblings plus baby gifts!

Could your siblings have been waiting until you had DC because otherwise yours would have been the only household not getting any presents, & that didn’t seem fair to them?

LottieMary · 09/11/2024 19:05

Couple of years ago we started a secret Santa for this reason. Budgeted about what we’d spend on two people but there are ten involved so quite the saving 😂

Lul00 · 09/11/2024 19:10

We only buy for kids at Christmas. I have a large family with lots of siblings and nieces and nephews. The only exception we make is for my one sister who doesn't have kids. Since she's buying for 11 nieces/ nephews the rest of us put together for a present off the kids xx

Peopleinmyphone · 09/11/2024 19:11

I'm one of 5 and we do a secret santa between us. All still buy for our parents and nieces/nephews but it's just 4 less presents to have to worry about.

Winter2020 · 09/11/2024 19:16

We only buy for the kids in my family and it really lightened the mental load of thinking what to get as well as reducing the burden of the cost. It has been very freeing.

Coconutter24 · 09/11/2024 19:29

As a family we used to buy for each other, then all the kids came so we decided to just buy for them, then the kids kept on coming (big family) and it was decided only a small token then eventually it ended up nothing. The kids get plenty from Santa, parents and grandparents so they don’t need extra. It makes life so much easier around Christmas because I’m not having to buy a ton of gifts and of course I’m now not spending a small fortune.

Nicknack8888 · 09/11/2024 19:33

My siblings and I have a "buy the ugliest bauble" present theme. Costs very little and makes us laugh.