To hate the run up to Christmas since I ‘lost’ my mam?

[itsnotthemostwonderfultime]

My mam, got told she had dementia a couple of years ago. We never had a straight forward relationship but now we have none at all, her body’s there but her mind left a long time ago. She can’t even follow you around the room with her eyes when you enter.

She loved this period. This time of year was when she was good. Every single year without fail she would get a bag of sweeties and she and I would sit up and watch the rememberance festival. She would cry and she would do the silence, and we’d get taken to church the next day because I was in brownies, etc, and had to parade. Then we’d come home and have homemade soup and bread while mum did the washing and I worried about homework.

She grew up on RAF camps, so she was in her element with forces things, and would tell me stories about her parents and grandparents and brothers. All of
whom were in the forces one way or another.

and then when it was done - ‘well, you know what’s next…’ and we’d start prepppng for Christmas. She did Christmas so wonderfully, it was Christmas when I realised how ill she was because she wasn’t interested any more. The last year I cooked her dinner she poured it onto the floor because she was too confused.

Since 2018 I’ve pretty much lost her, my last three grandparents and my great uncle. One after the other.

I just find the more Christmas comes the worse I get. I tried to watch remembrance stuff last year and I ended up on the phone to Samaritans for 45 minutes just sobbing. They were lovely but I couldn’t stop.

And now tonight, I want to watch it but it’ll be just the same. I’m actually very anxious about it. I’m at my aunty’s (mum’s sister in law) but going home tonight, and I’m trying to plaster a false smile but caught myself crying after I had a shower earlier. I get ludicrously jealous of my cousins, because they have their mam, and I don’t. It seems stupidly unfair.

I’ve had therapy, a lot of it, which helps but it doesn’t wave the heavy sad feeling away, at all. And I can’t really properly grieve, because I know I’ve still got more to go through yet, because dementia is terminal… whether I want to or not.

Of course YANBU OP. I imagine a great deal of people feel just as you do. it’s completely justified.

You’re right you can’t grieve and can’t move forward.

I’m so sorry it’s a tough time for you 💐

I hear you OP. I lost my mum (she died) at Christmas when I was youngish and I find this time of year challenging for the reasons you say. All I can say is that, be it death or the slow painful decline you are living with, we do adapt. We make new traditions and memories with new people and as time goes by we can think of the lovely seasonal times we used to have with more pleasure and gratitude that we had them, than pain that we don't anymore, if that makes sense. In the meantime, grab every opportunity to do things that are enjoyable and fun, and if there are things that hurt you, you don't have to put yourself through them.

I hear you, my mum had gone almost completely so fast. I know this year there won’t be the gaudy decorations she loved. My dad hated them, we used to wait till he was on back shift and decorate the house then he’d whinge and she say ‘you just need to live with them, I’m not asking you to put them up or take them down!’

Shes so confused and stresses about getting a job or running a shop alone (shes 71 and stopped working to care for my Dad when he passed at 56). I can see the confusion in her eyes, she’s upset a lot. She talks to people who aren’t there and can’t hold a conversation. When she was in hospital recently she came running when I walked in crying that she had been accused of theft. In her mind they accused her of stealing bacon. I’ve lost her but I can’t grieve as she’s still alive.

Just sending love to everyone suffering at the run up to, and over, Christmas. My parents died a long time ago and my DH 8 years ago. Somehow the run up seems worse than the actual day in many ways.

My Dad died on Christmas day. It's shit. I put a smile on for the kids but I'd rather hibernate for the day. Be kind to yourself. 💐

Christmas is about traditions, the build up clearly mattered to your mum. Growing up with had our traditions...dad went to the pub, but was home to eat as a family. We'd have nuts and dates. Christmas afternoon mum would go round and have a drink with dad's cousin and Dave his partner. Cold turkey and stuffing for tea.

You could make new traditions, doing something Christmas eve. Or Really going whole hog, big fat Christmas as a tribute to your mum. Or do nothing at all

My wife and I don't have kids so Christmas starts lunchtime on Xmas eve, I'll start preparing a buffet tea, listening to talk sport and their classic clips, go to the pub for a couple of pints, dw will come home about 4 (this year we might be doing something for a charity but will fit it in) we will eat about 6 (and munch crap all night) watch a film.
Xmas day up late, usual breakfast and walk to the pub or for a long walk. Sausage and chips or egg and chips about 6pm.
Boxing day I used to go on the family shoot (no not posh but country background) but as my uncle's have now died we will go for another long walk and home to finish off the buffet....this year we are going to brother in laws as his grandchildren aren't coming this year.

Ah darling x I hear you so much for a bunch of resonant reasons x

Not much to offer in the way of advice or comfort, as I'm approaching the season like a lion tamer behind a chair with a stick myself.

Be as kind and gentle to yourself as you can. Much love and an unMumsnetty hug xxx

it's hard. I lost my mum to dementia and it was difficult to come to terms with her not even realising it was Christmas. She loved to buy her grandchildren presents and was at her happiest when all of us were together. It's the small things that get to me. Like seeing all the Dove gift sets.She got several a year and it became a family joke. It does get easier though. Mum died a couple of years ago and the family still get together on Boxing day as was tradition but now we can remember her with a smile, mostly.

Not unreasonable at all. Only you will know how deeply certain things, dates, celebrations affect you as you had your own memories surrounding these things with your mum. I lost my dad 2 years ago on Oct 30th and I’ll forever cry at the sound of music (because of something lovely my dad once said to me while we were watching it together one Xmas), or laugh at my husband making a joke about warm beer (the only thing the disagreed on, they loved the same ales but my dad never wanted them from the fridge).
I did not want to celebrate Xmas at all the first year but now I’ve gone the opposite way and use my hard days in October to start thinking about presents and what I want to cook/bake.
I have a friend who lost her mum on Xmas eve and she never wants to celebrate Xmas again and I completely understand.
Keep reaching out where you need help, I think it’s brilliant that you called the Samaritans when you needed to. Do you have a family member you can talk to also? Someone you can’t just message when you are having a hard day? Someone who knew your mum too? I find talking about my dad to other who knew him helps and I have friends who had only met him a couple of times but it’s still nice.

Oh op I feel for you. Grief is not linear, have a google of the grief story.