I’m fricken drowning

[Jazzhands7]

I have early teens and the whole house dynamics sucks. Everyone just yells at each other (I’m not a yeller but my partner is) and the constant conflict is making me feel physically sick.

I’m on nerve blockers for pain that I’m told is stress induced, I think my eldest is becoming anorexic, the kids just push back on me with even the simplest mundane things and my partners an asshole.

I’ve tried to tell my partner to please stop telling by he just says he doesn’t. My kids are so emotional about everything and everything is a big deal.

I’m finding everything absolutely joyless and I’m finding it hard to find the energy to do basic things.

Is parenting teens just really hard and will it just get easier at a certain age?

Sounds like your life might get a lot easier if you get rid of your partner.

Have you thought about family therapy? Sometimes troubled teenagers are a symptom of a dysfunctional family.

And kids

First reply nails it tbh.

But if it's absolutely not possible to get rid of the partner, then my thoughts are:

• If the noise/yelling is really that bad, get noise cancelling headphones and/or loop earplugs. Teens can tap you on the shoulder if they want to speak to you. Tell them you're setting a boundary because it's affecting your health.

• Refuse point blank to listen to anyone unless they speak to you calmly and politely. That includes partner. If he's going to act like a stroppy teenager he can get treated like one.

• Start very small, but try implementing "calm zones" - maybe start with your bedroom, then the living room, etc. You can compromise and let them have "louder" spaces e.g. "I know, you're stressed out and need to vent, let's go in the kitchen." Some people are just naturally louder but we can all compromise.

It won't be an overnight fix but maybe by making small changes you could start to shift the vibes a bit!

I would find this impossible too OP. I can't deal with shouting. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. You might find Beat helpful, they're an eating disorder charity but you might not be in the UK.

If the partner isn't their dad and you aren't married I'd be getting rid. Life isn't worth this stress. You have a duty and responsibility to the children until they are 18 and it's not unusual for turbulence to start knowing the teenage years as they all start jostling for position and the partner is the only one that can go.

DD is in her teens, there is no shouting or screaming here. She has no siblings to bounce off either but life is very calm.

Was gonna say the same. These kids sound horrible, so glad I chose not to inflict this kind of pain on myself.

When you say 'partner' are you talking about the DC's father, or your boyfriend? If the latter, I would end the relationship. Yes, teens can be emotional and shouty on occasion, but they will generally follow the lead of the adults in the house, so if adults are shouting and yelling at them, they will respond in kind. If you want/need a low conflict household (don't we all?) I would look at the behaviour of the adults in it and ask whether that behaviour is creating/contributing to the high levels of conflict you'r observing and then act accordingly.

i.e. new partner - get rid. Long term partner/father of DC - maybe a parenting course is needed? Not all people know how to resolve situations in a calm way, particularly if they were parented in a high conflict manner themselves.

It’s mainly the younger one that yells and I know she’s doing it because she learnt it from her Dad. Great kids otherwise

whenever I bring up the shouting and the punishments for minor things he says he’s not shouting and how he behave towards he’s children has nothing to do with me.

I can’t force it anymore he’ll never do a parenting course because he doesn’t think anything he’s doing is wrong.

I have no money of my own it was too hard to work with the kids when they were younger because my husband worked all the time evenings as well as days. I got part time work and worked my way up to getting full time then covid hit, we had to move because of the housing crisis and the only work I’ve been able to get is eight hours a week.

I’m fucked, everything is fucked.

Sit down for a family meeting and talk- each take turns and agree on family rules. And consequences. And treats. Communicate with each other and if your husband isn’t happy to do so- leave him. With part time work your life shouldn’t be so stressful… even with teens. Everyone needs a chance to be heard and respect is key.

I’ll be living in my car. There’s a rental crisis where I am and a lot of people are homeless.

I’m very close to walking out and living in my car but it would mean I’d have to leave my children.

Surely everyone in the family is part of the dynamic

But why would living in your car be less difficult than talking? And actually trying to tackle the situation? You sound very defeated, have you been to the GP about your mental health? Or talked to someone about your fears for DD and an ED?

Because it doesn’t get anywhere. I’ve tried over multiple years to talk and I’m just met with derision and aggression and I’m too tired to do it anymore.

I don’t know who I’d talk to, no one can really help. It’s just a situation I got myself into by making bad decisions and no one can get me out of but myself.