Christmas access help

[Elizabeth110100]

DH and I separated 6 months ago. We have a 12 year old daughter.
Ex DH lives an hour's drive away from me. He moved after we separated.
He sees our 12 year old one night every fortnight (Saturday 10am - Sunday 3pm).

At Christmas, I am staying with my brother and his wife and their children. It's a 3 hour drive from me and about 1.5 hours drive from my ex. This was pre arranged months ago.

My ex has said he wants to see our 12 year old over Christmas which is fair enough but we are struggling to figure out how to do it.

He said he either picks her up Christmas day late afternoon or I can drive her up boxing day morning. Him and his new girlfriend have booked a table at a restaurant for midday on boxing day and he wants our daughter there for that.

My daughter said she doesn't want to go on Christmas day. She wants to stay with her cousins and family and play games Christmas day night. I also don't know when our Christmas dinner will be and I can't ask my brother and SIL to give exact times as they don't know when it's going to be yet!

I don't want to drive her up boxing day morning as it means I'll have to continue home as I can't afford petrol to keep driving back and forward. (We were planning on leaving on the morning of the 27th and I am driving my elderly parent home too. She doesn't want to leave boxing day morning either.) It's also going to be a rush and stress boxing day morning and I know it'll impact on the rest of the family.

I can't just refuse both options without a counter option. I suppose the AIBU is am I?! And if so, what else can I do?

If he can pick her up Xmas day he can pick her up Boxing Day surely? Then drop her home on the 27th?

meet halfway on Boxing Day morning

Yes but apparently he doesn't want to be rushing around boxing day morning before his meal. I did suggest this and forgot to mention it in my post. This would be the ideal answer though.

I think if you're having Christmas Day it does sound fair he has boxing day to be honest. If it was the other way round and he was having Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day you would probably be upset. I get it's difficult when DC are older and have their own views though and the distance doesn't help. Can't he come and collect her or meet you half way? Why do you have to do all the driving? It might be worth coming up with a plan going forward. My DD is 13 and we alternate Christmas Day every year. We live closer though, which is easier.

Drop her to his Boxing Day morning.
He has moved in quick to be spending Boxing Day with his new partner and child hasn’t he?

If meet him half way on Boxing Day x

Half way on Boxing Day is more than fair and reasonable. Just offer that as the only option. He can take it or leave it. It isn’t just about what suits him on Boxing Day morning!

Take her on Boxing Day, everyone elses plans will have to change. It's not his fault your elderly family rely on you or that you are travelling for Christmas.

Next year do 12-noon Christmas eve to 12-noon boxing day, means she gets to enjoy the entire Christmas period with whichever family she is with and alternate until she says otherwise.

Yes. He has also moved in with his girlfriend after (apparently) only being with her for 3 months. I firmly suspect he was seeing her before we officially separated. But anyway ..... 😐

I could meet him half way boxing day. I hadn't thought of that. I will suggest this to him.

Ah this is why we always alternated Christmas and NY every other year. That way the children had a proper full Christmas and didn't feel like they just got scraps of both.

So we had all of Christmas (24-27) and that year he had all of NY. (27-1)
Then next time he had all of Christmas and we had all of NY.

Does your daughter want to see her dad over Christmas? At 12 she has an opinion. Give her the options you're happy to accommodate and let her choose. Then go to him with i gave her these options. Shes chosen x or y.

It's her happiness and needs that matter most. Not his desire for a meal playing happy familes with his girlfriend.

Yes but she'd rather stay with her cousins.

I have messaged him and asked if I can meet him half way boxing day morning. It's still an extra 1.5 hours of driving which I could do without petrol wise but it's the best we can do under the circumstances.

Thanks all.