AIBU to want more babies

[2bubsandme]

So here’s my dilemma!
I have 2 DC who I love SO much. I’m a registered nurse but my plan is to convert to midwifery starting next year. My son will be starting school in sept and my daughter nursery (we don’t have family close by so will be having to tackle childcare etc)
the course is 2 years and then I will obviously want to work etc. I am absolutely certain I want to do the course and I don’t want to wait any longer (I always wanted to be a midwife but didn’t get in originally so did nursing with the intention of converting one day and now feels like the right time for many reasons)

the catch is I’m not done growing our family (DH feels the same) I absolutely want one or two more children if we are luckily enough. I feel worried about the age gap with my first two and then having a semi large gap with the next baby. My eldest will be 8 and my youngest will be 6 when I realistically think we’d be able to have another baby. I’ll also be quite a bit older then so fertility is a factor and the gap could be even bigger depending…

is it unrealistic to think this would work. We do have such a lovely life and it would mean we’d have to buy a bigger house to accommodate more people etc. I worry my children would feel pushed out too along with a lot of changes.

if anyone has a similar age gap, I’d love to hear how it worked out with your family dynamics etc.

TIA!

How old are you now? Is the course FT or can you do it pt for longer?

The course will always be there. Your window - for fertility and gaps between babies - won't be.

@TinDogTavern thanks for your reply. I’m 31- the course is FT and no option to do it PT.
im very conflicted because I do agree with you. However I am absolutely so ready to be a midwife. It’s been my dream that’s been on hold for such a long time and so because my children will be at school/nursery it works really well. If I have more babies now it may be about 5+ years before I get to that point again and I fear I’ll be too busy with my much larger family to actually be able to dedicate myself to the course. Having 2 whilst at uni is already quite a stretch 😅

my DH and I have 4 children, ages 12, 9, almost 4 and almost 2. So we had a 5 year gap, and it's kind of like 2 "pairs" in away.
It has lots of good parts, and a few downsides too. It was nice that we had the third when the others were in School, and I got more 1-1 time. And they were more independent than trying to manage toilet training with a tiny baby as well. There is so much love between them all, even with the big age gaps and I wouldn't change it.
The downsides are that some activities don't suit the whole family, so it ends up either DH or I take the big kids to something, and the other parent looks after the smaller ones (we are finally getting a wee bit out of that phase!) and also, the older ones activities/hobbies are ramped up to a level that they need- so one DC is at their activity 2 nights a week, and the other DC at their activity the other 3, and more often then not it's me driving them with the little ones coming along, whereas if the gap was smaller they would have been in only one lesson each at the age the siblings were small, and it's not the most fun with the little ones (though very much worth it) I also figured out that there will be years where all 4 of them are at different schools because of their ages!
Just a few thoughts 😊

Do the course and have the third baby six months after you finish.

Depending on how you cope with three, go for a fourth.

Seven years is not a great gap when the oldest is thirty.

Have a read of the secondary education, further education, Higher education and teenager boards for a dose of reality.

And ignore @user1492757084's bonkers "advice".

Yes I can understand your dilemma but I would do the course now and see how you feel after. You will still have time and will have the course behind you. Otherwise you might not do it at all....

My very wealthy boss had two pairs of two, like a PP. I think it was fine. A friend is the middle child, two years younger than her brother and nine years older than her sister. Again, it was fine. Growing up my best friend’s family had a surprise baby when number 2 was about 7, all worked out fine.

You've got plenty of time, at 31. I once had a GP who had 2 kids in their 20s and 2 at primary school. It wasn't a second marriage - he said his wife just decided one day that she wasn't done and wanted more kids.

My older 2 kids were 17 and 15 when my youngest was born.

Lots of families have big age gaps, for all sorts of reasons - finance, infertility, second marriages, etc.

That's a really tricky one, OP. All I know of larger age gaps is that my DH has about a 7 year gap with his youngest sibling and it completely changed the family dynamic. Just as he was getting into teenage years and more adventurous activities/holidays it all reverted to things that would suit a young child. Some families might be able to navigate that more straightforwardly than others but it left him feeling quite pushed out, as he was often bored and being told off for not going along with things happily for the youngest's sake.

As adults it gets slightly easier but they're still realistically very different stages - sibling still living with parents and looking at first jobs, first serious relationships etc. whilst we were expecting our first child. If they have DC later then as cousins I can't imagine they'll be super close, again because they'll be at such different ages/stages.

That is really not to say don't do it, but just to help build a picture of what the different scenarios look like. All the best 💐

I’d finish having children and then train. You get a better age gap, less worries about fertility, and you won’t have to worry about staying up to date. You’ve got time for both, but mixing them doesn’t seem at all logical. There will also be economic benefits in that your car seat won’t expire; etc.

Some people do make age gaps work, even big ones, but there are compromises. Most of the people I know with them split their time so one parent has the elder kids and one the younger kids, so there’s not as much family time. In adulthood, I think it’s rarer for them to be close, because they’re in different life stages.

growing up me and my older brother had a 7 year age gap and have always got on so well and even know talk/see each other weekly. I have a brother 2 years younger and we don't speak really at all and didn't like each other much as kids. I don't think the gaps will matter too much tbh. We are waiting until next year and we will have a 5-6 year gap.

Completely depends on how your manage it as a family.
I know of a family with a 15 and 13 YO and a 6 and 4 year old. It works very well as two sets of kids but very amalgamated at the same time. It works because they are all very close and the parents are financially comfortable that they don't have to work all the time and spend lots of one on one time with all of the kids. They also live in a very safe place and the older ones have a lot of freedom, but are also happy to watch the younger ones, or take them the to cinema while the parents go for dinner for example.

It's lovely but might not work as well in a more traditional set up.

I would see if midwifery fills that urge for more of your own babies and prioritize studying and working personally. The more time you take out the harder it will be to get back into it.

We have 4 - 21yrs, 19yrs, 13yrs and 2yrs. The age gaps were not difficult with older 3. Youngest was the hardest just because we were older (late 30s) and were very much out the swing of broken nights and the practical aspects of children. My career had also progressed so had a more demanding and stressful job which doesn't promote good work life balance (social work) but gave us the financial stability to provide for the family. Oldest 2 particularly weren't keen on another sibling mainly because they didn't like the thought of their 'old' parents having sex! They all have a lovely relationship with each other and we're a close family but it's definitely not the waltons!

We didn't move but did have to rejig bedrooms and install partition walls for personal space. Oldest was at uni when youngest was born but we very keen on him still having his room at home so he didn't feel pushed out.

There's lots of obvious things people will consider like a bigger car and holidays and shopping being more expensive but it's the less obvious costs - fees for uni, equipment for courses depending on what they do, out of school clubs all increase and you pay for them longer. We've essentially paid some form of childcare for 19+yrs so never had the relief of not paying it or the money going back into the family pot or pensions.

There are 8 years between my two and they get on just fine. They're both adults now but are in contact daily and see each other often. I can't see how they could be any closer.

Your eldest two already have a sibling to whom they are closer in age. So I don't know whether that would change things in that they don't 'need' to be as close to a younger one.as they already have each other 🤷🏻‍♀️

On that basis I'd have another child first.

However, you may find that returning to university/training with 3 or 4 children, two of whom would be very young infants, is a lot less appealing once they are here.

I did my degree when my eldest was a toddler. I then returned to do a Masters when my youngest always 13 months old. I did it and it was worth it in the long run (especially as my marriage broke down and I ended up being a single income household).

It was hard. Very hard. And I'm under no illusion that the pressure and my 'absence' from the family during this time contributed to the breakdown. It was so intense that it also impacted on my relationship with my youngest becaise I simply couldn't be there emotionally and physically in the way I would have been had I not been studying for long hours and on placements.

There was little impact on the eldest.

There are many things to consider.

Thank you everyone this is super helpful. Sounds like a mixture of positive and some negative experiences too.
I forgot to mention I have 1 siblings who is 12 years younger than me and this is something that has put me off the larger age gap. I actually did feel completely pushed out my my parents when they had my sister. I love her to bits now but VERY different stages of life like others have pointed out. However I hoped it might be slightly different as in my case my two have each other. I’m also hoping the gap won’t be THAT big.
lots to think about however I am pretty certain the course needs to comes first. I’ll have to see how we feel after- even though that breaks my heart.

I had two kids as I knew I wouldn't cope with more. Plus we wanted to be able to help them financially as they became young adults, life is hard for youngsters without the bank of mum and dad!
But my observations of friends who had bigger broods is that a career and small kids rarely worked happily for all parties involved. I think we’ve been sold the lie of having it all, pick one - career or big family and do it well rather than stretching yourself to breaking point.

I know this isn't really a popular thing to think about, but given the demands of midwifery and nursing I'd also be keeping in mind how you'd manage 4 children and that job if (god forbid) your marriage ever broke down. I know that's quite pessimistic though!

I had my third when my other two were4 and nearly 6. It was a lovely age gap - the other two were old enough to help and be really excited. Also, they were both at school and nursery, so I got lovely quality time with the baby. I think it's more about whether you can afford it - the nursery fees, the wraparound care, the bigger house (although of course they can share!), the bigger car...
My sister keeps warning me how expensive they get in their teens too, which we haven't reached yet! Good luck with your decision.

My sister keeps warning me how expensive they get in their teens too, which we haven't reached yet!

I'm afraid she is right. If your DC go to university you will be expected to top up their students loans as well. This is £££££.

The financial side is definitely something we’ve thought about and I do agree, I would like to help them buy houses etc and that might not be possible the more children we have…
we live just outside of London in a 2 bed house and we are planning to move to Norwich which hopefully will free up quite a bit of money 😅
we’ll see how we feel when we get there I suppose 😭