Passive smoking

[Zanonie]

Not really AIBU more a What would you do?

I have a friend, hadn't seen each other for 3 years (I've been living in a different part of the country) but we'd kept in touch by phone. I've known her over 30 years.
During the 3 years that I haven't seen her I have given up smoking.
This friend struggles massively with her mental health, always has. She doesn't work and rarely leaves the house. I go and spend the day with her once a week. She won't come to me and declines any invitation to go out anywhere on our day together. This is down to mental health and I don't mind.
Apart from her mum who she sees twice a year at most I am her only company.
The issue is her smoking, like I said I have stopped smoking but even when I did it was never more than 5 a day. She gets through 20 a day. In a tiny flat, she does open the windows but every week I come home coughing/with a tight chest.
She won't go in her garden because it's shared with a neighbour and he complained about it.
I know I need to say something but she can be very defensive and I don't want to make her feel like she needs to pick between her friends and cigarettes.

Firstly, well done on quitting! It’s so hard, but well worth it.

I think you need to have a gentle but firm chat with your friend about this. Tell her that the smoke is making you ill, but that you really don’t want to stop visiting because you value your time together. Ask her to help you come up with ways you can continue to spend time together. Could you maybe sit outside in her garden if the weather’s decent? (I assume the neighbour’s complaint was about her smoking out there, not about her simply using the garden?) Is there a local cafe you could walk to? Or just go for a walk together? I understand that her MH makes that hard, but you said she does go out occasionally? Is there anywhere she really enjoys going?

In the end, you may have to decide whether you are willing to stop visiting in order to avoid the smoke. I had to do this with an elderly relative in the last years of his life. I have asthma and suffer from migraines, and would be in bed sick for days after visiting. In the years before he died, I hardly saw him, and I feel very sad about that - but he couldn’t give up the fags, and I couldn’t keep making myself horribly ill in order to visit him. So, although I feel sad about it, I refuse to feel guilty.

I really hope you can work something out with your friend. You sound like a real support to her, and I just hope she will work with you to find a solution, because I’ve no doubt your friendship makes a massive difference to her life.