To think monogamy isn’t just about sex?

[Bayou2000]

I feel I am constantly posting about my dating disasters having returned to dating after 20 plus years. Apologies.
Over the last 4 months I have become close to someone at work. It started with friendly chats, then he clumsily asked me for coffee which made me think it might be a date. It had the look and feel of a date- very much getting to know each other better. Within an hour of it finishing we had arranged another for the next week. Same format, but with an awkward hug at the end, initiated by him. Flirty, fun and I started to develop feelings.
Within another week there was another coffee “date”, and it was apparent there was a lot of common ground/shared interests/views etc. On the back of that I suggested a further lunch “date” at a nice restaurant the following week. He messaged a lot in the run up to it saying how much he was looking forward to it. We had a great time, every aspect was perfect. When it came time to say goodbye there was another hug, slightly less clumsy.
Having had a few glasses of wine I later text him to say thanks and that I liked him. Rather a lot. He responded saying he loves the time we have together and doesn’t want it to end. He stated that he liked me a lot too but he wanted me to know he is married and is monogamous. He said he wants the excitement to continue but not the chaos that would undoubtedly ensue if we started sleeping together. He then suggested another coffee meet up. He seems to genuinely think this is an acceptable situation.
Am I wrong in thinking monogamy is not just about sleeping with people? It’s not a free pass to go on dates as long as you keep your clothes on? I also get that this is a “he’s just not that into me” situation as much as it is about him having cake and eating it but my head is totally fried.

Goodness me get away from him fast. The nerve of him!!

Run girl!

You’re not wrong

his poor wife

This has nothing to do with philosophical ideas about monogamy. This guy appears to have given you to think he was single and available for a romantic/sexual relationship, and to now think it's perfectly fine for him to tell you that he's planning to use you as an artificial excitement injector into his life, while keeping his trousers on. (Well, or maybe not -- there's also the potential for a passionate encounter in an empty office, and he can be all anguished and regretful afterwards, and say Never Again...)

Tell him you're not interested in being his technically chaste bit on the side. And to fuck himself.

I can't remember the politican who said he experimented with cannibas but didn't inhale it!

This guy is using the same principle.

Run, fast and don't look back.

He absolutely is angling to have an affair and is testing the water to see if you are bothered about his being married. Probably to appear ‘honourable’ in some way or that his ‘intentions were clear’.

Gross. You can see right through that bullshit.

It’s like being overtly asked to be the plausibly deniable side chick.

Wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Clinton. The guy who said 'I did not have sex with that woman', but it turned out that didn't include blow jobs.

Oh no!
He's stringing you along in the hope you might both get "accidentally carried away" then he can dismiss the shag as nothing serious, as he's still devoted to his dear wife.

Tell him to invite his wife.

Monogamy is whatever you and your partner define it is. So if him and his wife have spoken about it and anything short of sex is fine, then that's fine for them.

I'd say the chances of that actually being the case though are fairly small.

😳 is this a new way for men to try having an affair but with plausible deniability. FML🙄 run, fast and far

I should have known it was Clinton!!

I guess I was worried I misread the friendship signs, but as soon as excitement came into the conversation along with monogamy I felt I hadn’t imagined things.

Even if what he says is true, it's really unfair on you and his wife. He's basically saying that he wants the excitement of being flirty etc and feeling like there's a possibility of more but with an understanding that he doesn't intend to take it any further. This only works if you are willing to carry on acting like you are developing feelings for him and if his wife is unaware of the situation. If somehow his wife agreed to the situation, or if you agreed to just be completely platonic friends, there would be no excitement to him. This shows absolutely no respect of care for your feelings or his wife's.
I think it's very likely that he does want to start an affair, but thinks he can absolve himself from any guilt or blame by telling you that he's married and would not cheat on his wife. That way he doesn't have to worry about you finding out some other way that he's married and dumping him, he can tell himself he's doing nothing wrong because you know he won't cheat, and then when something physical does happen he can tell himself, you and anyone else who might ever find out (including his wife) that you knew he was committed to his wife and he didn't plan to cheat-it 'just happened'/was a one-off/you made it happen etc. This plan also means that you are less likely to tell anyone else what a cheating toad he is- if you tell him to get lost now he'll say he thought you were just friends, but if you continue he can say he made it clear that he wanted to be faithful to his wife so anything else that happened must have been your fault.
Even if you were happy to just continue as you are, I bet the excitement would soon wear off and he'd be off looking for a new 'friend'

When you put it like that it sounds more sinister and like a pattern of behaviour. I bet I am not the only one he has tried this with.

I need to address the vibe I am giving because this is the second similar situation I have found myself in this year.

Agree with PP. This is absolute BS. He is convincing himself he is the good guy and no doubt setting up a situation where he can say 'she came onto me!' Or 'it just happened!'. And making it very clear to you that if you get involved you will always be the other woman to him.