DH lied about trustee

[SheSellsSeaShellz]

DH is chair of a board of trustees for a charity. I’ve found out that he’s lied over the past few years about how much time he’s been spending with one of the female trustees. It’s dinners, lunches etc with her alone, and he’d be implying he’s been with a group of people, lying about train problems while he’s been chatting for hours with her. I found out he’d invited her to a black tie dinner, asked him directly and he denied it, when I said I had found out, he says she’d been busy and hadn’t gone with him, so it’s apparently not a lie.

I don’t think it’s a physical affair, she sees him as a mentor for her career apparently, but I feel heartbroken to be lied to so persistently. He’s been quite panicky and saying I can’t tell anyone as he’d have to stand down in his role as chair of trustees. I don’t want him to work with her anymore , but he says she’s a good trustee and he wants to continue working with her, that I shouldn’t rock the boat.

We have four DC, two young adult, two are young teens. If it wasn’t for the children I’d leave.

I would like to make his untrustworthiness known to the board. AIBU?

Yes, I do understand. And I'm sorry you're in this position. It must be very difficult, but I think the larger issue isn't about the board, it's within your marriage.

I think you have the absolute right to handle this any way that feels right to you, but in your shoes, I'd try to really think through whether going to the board is the answer to your problem. He's being dismissive of you and your feelings, he's lying to you - you're the priority here and I think blowing all of it up publicly isn't necessarily the first step you want to take.

@TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole nails it. Your marriage is over.

Oh it's not uncommon. But I used to be parachuted in to deal with failing boards and romantic relationships being entangled with governance was an incredibly common theme in the reason that previously well performing boards went sideways

So it is commonly accepted to be bad practice.

If he is telling you that what you could say to the board would mean him having to step down, that tells you that he knows it's inappropriate. He also knows they would think it inappropriate, therefore, it is inappropriate.
Does he ever take you out for meals, or just her? Do you still share intimacy or has there been a change in that, maybe since they met, for instance?

F

Yup.

If your DH is not having an affair and he hasn’t lied in the course of his trustee role then the marital issues between you and his lack of transparency or dishonesty about his interactions feels like the least relevant part of this scenario and not necessarily a matter the board needs to be advised of. That’s a matter for the two of you to resolve. I don’t think it would be sufficient to declare it as evidence of dishonesty or not being a fit and proper person.

If he is having an affair then there is the potential for perceived or actual conflict of interest as he could influence her votes at trust board potentially, especially as the chair. That is something that ought to be known.

Let's call it what it is. You're upset because you feel jealous of another woman, and want to hurt your DH under the guise of 'honesty'. How lovely.

I’m upset, sure, but I don’t feel jealous of her.

Nolan principles of public life apply to him, about being honest etc.

You say if it were not for the children you’d leave. Leave anyway. Leave to show the children not to tolerate this behaviour from a partner.

We've found the female trustee.

OP is upset because she's been lied and lied and lied to. At best this is an emotional affair on the part of her DH. She only has his word that it's not more. Damn right she's upset. But not because she's jealous.

Let's call it what it is. You're upset because you feel jealous of another woman, and want to hurt your DH under the guise of 'honesty'. How lovely.

Let's call this what it is. You want to put another woman down and hurt the OP under the guise of 'honesty'. How lovely.

Utter rubbish.

He's been dishonest about his relationship with this person and deliberately hiding how much time he is spending with her from the OP.

He's possibly overstated her credentials to get her on the Board and I'd suspect, if true this is what he is most worried about if the OP rocks the boat.

Personally I wouldn't report him as a first step, but I would say he needs to resign, drop contact with this woman and invest in his marriage or the alternative is that I'd be speaking to a divorce solicitor ASAP.

Him deflecting and putting the onus on the OP is classic cheaters behaviour. Has he been unfaithful? Maybe not physically but sure as hell emotionally and he's gaslighting the OP into protecting him.

It's not the OP's fault if he loses this position. It's his, because he overstepped, lied and has potentially been fraudulent in respect of Board appointments.

Don't get side tracked by the Trustee issue.

Focus on getting divorced

Staying for the children is never a good idea.

Reporting him will end your marriage, which may be what you want, given that he's repeatedly betrayed your trust.
Also, though, reporting him will smack of airing your dirty linen in public. Is that what you want? If he's done nothing wrong in terms of trustees and governance, you'll have over shared very private matters, things you might prefer others not to know.
Why not just leave him? If he has behaved inappropriately, this may well come to light during the divorce, as the rumour mill starts to turn.

That would be a no more scenario for me I’m afraid. He is a natural liar - looks you in the face and lies outright. You can’t trust him, and the only reason he is not having a physical affair is because she is not interested.

Honestly, he’s obviously having a relationship with her. I wouldn’t bother with the board, you’ll look vengeful and it’s the least of your worries. Leave him, regardless of the DCs.

If he introduced this trustee to the board, how did he know her beforehand?

If he lied about her skills and experience to get her on the board just so that he could spend time with her, this could be something that should be reported.

I honestly think your focus is misdirected. I agree with others that pursuing the moral stance regarding his role as a Trustee and wanting to ‘out’ him comes across as punishment driven by jealousy. Keep your dignity.. Focus on the fact he clearly has feelings for another woman and likely would have acted on it if she was willing. Thats the key issue.

As a trustee of a charity, I wouldn’t expect this to be brought to my attention. As a wife I would be fucking furious. And I would give him two choices. He resigns, with immediate effect, of his own volition, or I would end the marriage. I would make it very clear that his resignation in no way means I would even consider staying in a relationship with a serial liar but if he wanted any chance of remaining married, he resigns.
And the “ panicky” bit worries me op. I don’t think he’s panicking about his trustee role, I think he’s panicking because you have found out and he bloody well knows he has crossed the line. Panicking is the universal response of unfaithful people everywhere and I honestly think you don’t know the half of it yet. I’m sorry he is such a massive twat.

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I have been in a not completely dissimilar situation a long time ago with an ex, and the common theme was his self interest rather than the relationship and his betrayal.

I was far more concerned about finding out what had actually gone on than about his role (which was his only concern), so I told him that if he was completely honest with me, I wouldn’t report him. I then did report him, but that’s a different story! I got the facts I needed to move on.

You might consider trying the same - closure comes so much faster when you know the full breadth of the score. I have absolutely no doubt he’s not telling you even half of it.

Yes, I don't think you've been told anything like the full story yet op.

And I would be clear that, as a minimum, he resigns immediately. And I wouldn't just say the marriage is over if he doesn't, I would threaten to tell the board about his affair if he doesn't (because it was/is an affair,. whether it has got physical or not yet is somewhat academic)

And then I would reflect on what the marriage is like aside from this and whether I remotely want to give him another chance or whether actually it wasn't great anyway and not worth fighting for

@SheSellsSeaShellz, you’ve been in a greatly unequal marriage. Your H’s faithless behavior is truly appalling, and I don’t believe for a minute that this is a ‘mentoring’ friendship.

His recommending this OW for the board was a perfect cover to conduct an illicit relationship. For years he has been conniving and lying to you — duping you as he enjoyed their lunch and dinner dates, engaged in chatting for hours, and invited her to important events. As for the 11 hour ‘lunch date’, there are no words. Was she referring to this marathon day/evening of togetherness when she gushed about spending ‘a few hours’ getting career advice from him? Surely you don’t believe that guff. They are making a fool of you.

Now he is bricking it because his double life has been rumbled and his affair cover blown. @SheSellsSeaShellz, if you’re going to consider staying with this practiced liar, you need to require his resigning and cutting all contact with OW. Personally, it would be game over for me, and I’d be consulting with a solicitor. The dishonesty, contempt, and callous disregard he has perpetrated against you as he prioritizes OW is beyond the pale. He clearly believes he is the Great I Am who controls the narrative, but I would show him different. What a sorry husband and father/role model for the children he is.

IME most charities find it very difficult to recruit trustees. If your DH is a good chair they may not be too worried about his private life.

As others have said - your marriage is the main issue here. Focus on that. Do you think couples counselling would help?

I wouldn’t report him.

But I wouldn’t stay either, he’s taking you for a mug and he’s not concerned about how you feel, just that you don’t impact on his opportunities to “mentor” this woman.

Realistically, if she’s ever interested, he’ll leave anyway, so staying for the children is an awful idea all round.

I wouldn’t deliberately inform the board but I’d leave and I’d be honest as to why, if people asked.

There is no way he's panicking because he went to lunch. Clearly there is more to it. He had proven himself to be untrustworthy and I'd be rethinking the marriage for sure.