Why do people lecture me at work?

[Perimenoanti]

I'm just so frustrated today. It's either men or senior/older woman trying to explain to me or make sure I understand the absolute basics of my area of expertise. I have been in this type of role 20 years. Why do people do this?

I have had two men and one women do this since Friday.

I'm seen as an expert in my industry. I get paid very well after negotiating significant salary increases whilst in this role (think 15pc or more each time). I was given extremely valuable shares. I see this as a sign that my performance has been good and they value my work and want to keep me. And these people somehow speak to me as though they are my teachers. They assume I don't know certain things and explain or ask questions that aren't genuine questions. They are 'are you sure about this' questions when I state facts as though they are some kind of coach.

They are my peers of varying levels of experience, but all older than me. None has done my job. They are experts in related fields.

On top of this my boss thinks he understands my job as well or better than I do. He doesn't and comes with suggestions that make me think 'oh my god, this makes no sense, how do I navigate this'. He manages 10 people who are all covering complicated subjects. He's not expected to know each person's job inside out, it's not possible, but i wish he enquired what I think makes sense rather than trying to sell me ideas that dont.

I'm not a pushover. I'm known as quite a straight forward person, so it can't be that.

I just feel really frustrated and worn out today.

Amen to above. I am outraged you even need to waste time thinking how to manage these annoying people. You should just be allowed to do your job. You sound amazing, self aware and intelligent. That is enough!

@Screamingabdabz I'm so sorry. I'm sure being working class and a woman makes it ten times harder. At first you might think things will change if only xyz but after a while you realise how ingrained this kind of thinking still is and that it probably won't change soon. I hope you know your worth x

This is really nice to hear, thank you.

Carry on being really blunt and directorial so that if they argue with you they'll look really stupid.

I'm sick of men mansplaining their shit / crap ideas and not listening

Depends on the culture. I was blunt with people who were out of order contacting team members out of office hours and it was held against me. Were they wrong? Yes. But it’s an uphill
battle and sometimes you don’t need that.

Oh god it really grates on me now. I just remembered an incident last week where I said xyz as an observation in a meeting and the guy I was talking about earlier repeated my observation as though it was his own. I really put up with an awful lot of crap from him, but I know he does it with others too.

He wants to have authority over people when he has none. He is no informal leader either because people don't respect him like that. Another lady cancelled her own (!) regular meeting this week and the guy enquired about the reasons and then gave her permission to cancel it on X grounds. It infuriated me. I sometimes want to ask her about how she feels about his crap and she has made her frustration known before, but I don't want to be a massive gossip.

I've found an effective approach when someone (who is less qualified / experienced) questions me is to treat is as a game almost and cultivate nice polite, concise one-word / minimum word answers

e.g. if someone says 'when x happens it doesn't mean y' and I said 'nobody said it does' - say instead 'exactly!'

Other responses I've found to be useful are

'precisely'

'I agree' (totally agree if you're feeling particularly annoyed)

'yes, indeed'

' yesssss, that's the conclusion I've reached'

' so glad you can see that '

If you can smile and nod whilst doing this, extra points 😊

for some reason people don't seem to take as much offence if you smile ......... 😁

@ilovemyspace these are wonderful. No doubt I'll use them asap 😉

@Perimenoanti
these are wonderful. No doubt I'll use them asap 😉

Enjoy!! 😁😁😁 xx

Why is this guy going through your work as though he is checking it and expecting you to justify everything? Is it his job to check what you do? Because if not, he's got a ruddy cheek.

He's constantly asking questions to try and catch you out or wrong-foot you, and he is doing it deliberately to assert his dominance over you, and make you feel inferior.

In my experience, some men do this and expect you to explain your reasoning to them, not because they are checking up on you, but because they know all too well that you know more than they do, and they don't like it. So while they are making you uncomfortable by asking questions like this, they are benefitting twofold - not only do they assert their superiority over you, but they also get to learn something they didn't know before and they can immediately become the expert. Usually by repeating back at you what you just told them as though they are now explaining it to you. Dickheads.

Don't stand for it any more. You need to put your foot down. Next time he starts questioning you, quietly fold your arms, look him in the eye and say "Why?".

@nomorehocuspocus

He's constantly asking questions to try and catch you out or wrong-foot you, and he is doing it deliberately to assert his dominance over you, and make you feel inferior

Exactly how I feel. Exactly my take on the situation. I'm on edge as a result and nervous in meetings or nervous checking my email/teams because 'whats next'. Coming from an abusive family my body is sending me all the signals with this guy and I must not ignore it or give him the benefit of the doubt. Almost daily he goes around and shoots these kind of questions at certain people, including me. He is not asking out of curiosity or in good faith. He is not interested in collaboration.

I know the guy is insecure and he must feel absolutely tiny inside judging by how much he has increased this kind of behaviour in recent months.

I am experiencing a similar thing after changing job. In my case, it’s a result of company culture and a very inexperienced line manager. I am receiving a LOT of feedback, tips, suggestions, calls to catch up on everything under the sun, etc.

On a good day, I’ll either take it on board positively or quietly ignore, but the sheer volume and frequency has taken its toll - I completely get your comment about being worn out. I’ve tried to raise it, and I get told every time that I’m doing a good job in a senior role, but the fact remains that I do not feel treated in a way that matches up with that, but more like a junior just starting out. In fact, I had far less interaction with my manager when I was a junior starting out!

I hope to find something new as my professional self respect has taken a battering.

That’s a lovely thought but my point is in real life, rather than in TV shows, you don’t get rewarded for that and the person you really hurt by not adapting your style of communication in a way that makes it more palatable for others (mostly men) is yourself. I’m actually already unusually senior in a very high powered industry where very few women succeed and I would love to be able to tell people that the route to success is just to be true to themselves but that doesn’t reflect real
life - and personally I’d rather lose the battle (ie accept that I do have to behave differently than my male colleagues because I will be held to different standards) to win the war (ie continuing to progress and hopefully even make it easier for the next generation of women coming behind me to succeed).

I'm early 40s and have known for a while that as a woman you need to play a totally different game, but I still have not figured out what this game is. I can't show up with typical woman traits, I can't behave like a man but I also don't quite know how I am supposed to be.

I agree that in the end you just harm yourself by just trying to be your true authentic self instead of adapt, but even if you just show up as yourself you will forever have to fend off mansplainers, fight more for promotions and just work more to earn the same respect. I find this incredibly hard to navigate.

You need to find some righteous indignation and inner rage, and channel it in his direction.

How effing dare he try to belittle you and put you down? Who does he think he is?

I totally agree with PPs that the people who are challenging / questioning you should not be doing it and are doing it to bolster their own insecurities, or because they're men who need to mansplain, or just because they need to feel superior in their role.............

But what's important is not how secure THEY feel in their knowledge or in their role,
it's how secure YOU feel in your knowledge and in your role

It's a learning curve - but, honestly, once you believe in yourself and feel secure within yourself that you DO know what you're doing, then the rest follows ........ and you'll be able to counter any negative comments without even thinking about it.

I know it's easy to say but not necessarily to do!

Women wrestle with dilemmas that many men in their 20s /30s/40s just don't give any consideration to because they're career-driven (rightly or wrongly, that's how it seems to be)

Whereas we women want to maintain good working relationships because we know it's important.

Try and believe in yourself - you know your job!

And one word / short answers are the way forward 😊 whilst smiling and holding your ground