AIBU for feeling like this about my friend?

[alongblacktunnel]

Friend is a single mum with DD. DD is 15 and has just started to go out at night to her friends houses for a few hours. For safety, she is dropped and collected by her mum/my friend. During these times DD is out, my friend is looking for people to spend the free time with. This is around 2 - 2.5hrs each time, once or twice a week. My friend will often contact me to see if I am free. But (and this is the AIBU part) it feels like my friend is only asking to meet up just because she needs to fill her time, and not necessarily because she would love to see me as we have not seen each other for a while. For context, we speak on the phone every day and see each other twice a week, outside of her DD free time, so it's not like we have not seen each other or spoken for a while.

Yes she is on her own during the times DD is out, but surely sometimes she can do something herself/on her own for the 2 hours on a random week night. It seems to feel that she HAS to fill her time with someone/anyone. Also for context, she will meet for the 2 hours her DD is out and then go off to collect DD and go home, evening done. It almost feels like 'thanks for filling the time, you're not needed any more tonight''. My friend goes out a fair amount, as DD can now be left at home alone, so it's not that my friend never gets the chance to go out and these 2 hours are her only socialising opportunities.

DDs dad is not around, he never has been.

AIBU to feeling like this ?

I don’t understand what you have an issue with personally. I love a child free evening to myself - bath, face mask and chocolate!

But some people hate being alone and much prefer having plans. Is there really anything wrong with that? Why does it annoy you so much? Just say sorry I can’t meet tonight.

@Pinkpaperclip the bit that irks me is ''it feels like my friend is only asking to meet up just because she needs to fill her time, and not necessarily because she would love to see me as we have not seen each other for a while''.

I guess I just cannot understand the hate being alone part, which I think this is what it comes down to for my friend. I cannot fathom that someone cannot bear to be alone for 2 hours. But we are all different.

Try and change your mindset. Your friend would much rather be around you than be alone. You / others make her feel safe.

I had a friend, recently divorced who would suddenly start inviting me over 3 times a week and I knew it was because she hated living alone and wanting company. I wasn’t irked by this, but I did just be honest and say I couldn’t every time she wanted me too as I had a young DC. I knew she wasn’t dying to see me, she just wanted company.

That is ok

I am the same as you I love my free time and can’t wait to have some quiet time but everyone is different truly!

But you see her twice a week apart from these times so it's not as though she is just 'using' you for company at these times.

I can't see the issue. You enjoy time alone, she doesn't. Just agree if you are happy to spend these hours with her and don't if you don't.

She is doing nothing wrong. Don't go looking for 'issues' where there are none.

See her at these times of it suits you and you enjoy it. If not, decline the invitation.

There's no need to judge your friend because she is different to you.

Tbh your relationship with her comes over as quite claustrophobic: talking everyday on the phone, meeting socially twice every week and then this meeting up while her DD is out. I would find this level of interaction absolutely wearing.

I feel you are totally justified in telling her you are busy on the occasions she is wanting to fill her time when her DD is out.

You are entitled to your independent life apart from her. I don't see why you have to pander to her wants if it doesn't fit in with how you want to spend your time.

I find this kind of thing irritating too, when I should probably try to feel flattered that someone is seeking out my company.

Well you know clearly she is filling time.
It either suits you or it doesn't.
Last year my friends daughter had a grind two minutes from me.
She killed the time havjng a coffee with me.
She checked obviously if it suited and it always did.
If it didn't I could have said.
Don't meet her if it doesn't suit you.

Perhaps it's just me but I think it's pretty normal for relationships to serve some functions or fill a need. This would only bother me if it was someone who only gave me the time of day if they needed me.

Nothing wrong with declining if it doesn't suit, she's not entitled to this time but it's not an unreasonable ask.

Your friend chooses to see if you’re free when she is, I would just see that as a compliment. You can say no. A lot of people complain about never being able to spend time with their friend without their kid so it does feel like you can’t win either way.

Look at it a different way - your friend has spent the last 15 years being the sole parent with very little free time to see her own friends. Now she has a few windows of opportunity and wants to use them to see you in person rather than just the usual catch up telephone call. She can fill her time in endless other ways - pampering, go to the gym, go shopping, watch a movie - but she wants to see you, her friend.

This exactly. It's a nice thing, on two counts. It's nice that she finally has a couple of hours free a week - after 15 years! - and it's nice that she wants to spend them with you.

You don't have to say yes.