Appropriate bed time - 13 year old

[NeverFastAlwaysFurious]

We go to bed at 9. Sometimes before to watch a film or doom scroll. We are up extra early. DD says she cannot possibly go to bed at this time too and has set herself a bed time of 10. However I've just heard her getting in to bed now and she was fucking about not actually in bed so could have been a midnight bedtime on a school night. She wakes up at 7 to get ready for school and it's 50/50 as to whether she is cheery or the devil. She is never spritely. I forget, at my age, whether spritely in the morning was ever actually a thing. So I've given her a stern word and said we'll have a chat tomorrow about appropriate bed times and strict rules. She has friends who go later and who go earlier.

So, 13 years old and up at 7am - when is bedtime?

Personally if she’s getting up at 7, I’d say asleep by 10 is reasonable . So 9.30/9.45 in bed getting ready to go to sleep then asleep by 10. Gives her 9 hours of sleep.

This!!

@Babyboomtastic and if there's a party etc then I wait up for her. For example, she went out for Halloween and got back at 9. We sat up and talked about it eating sweets til 10. Then I went to sleep.

DS who is just 14 does homework or plays online with friends or watches tv with us until about 9-9.30. He then reads for 30 mins downstairs and then goes to bed (sadly he has to read downstairs with us as otherwise it takes him a bizarre 3 months to read a book!) He's in bed for 10 ish and then gets up at 7.00.
I'd never describe him as spritely in the morning but he seems ok....

Mine didn't really have a set bedtime at that age but we're usually in bed by 10/10.30. They weren't sprightly in the mornings but had no trouble getting up and ready for school.

Parents going to bed at 9pm once or twice a week is ok but every night? This doesn't seem fair to your kid at all. What a lonely way for her to spend her evenings - alone every night while both her parents run off to their bedroom every evening. I agree with a PP. Her bedtime isn't causing the issue. Yours is....

So she has to spend 1 to 1.5 hours max alone, even though she's mostly not with us at that time anyway and she's hard done by? Not having it. Sorry.

Teenagers don't want to be glued to the hip with their parents that much and I know she appreciates any time away from us to do whatever she feels like.

Let's say I go up to bed at 10/1030 and she is upstairs anyway - where's the benefit to her that I couldn't provide between 3.30-9?

Turn wifi off and devices to be left in the kitchen.

10 pm has been bedtime here for a 13 yo.

At that age DD was in bed around 10, lights off anywhere between 11-midnight and up at 7:30am. Of course there was the occasional night, especially around exam season where things were much later and she still managed to function completely fine. I think that as parents we need to let teens listen to their own body clocks within reason. 9pm is too early in my opinion.

It really depends on the child. DD was (and is) a night owl who doesn’t need massive amounts of sleep. 7 hours is more than enough for her. Must be genetic as the entirety of my side of the family is the same.

I’m by no means a ‘super glue’ mum, but I have to disagree with you. It is isolating for a young teen to be deserted by their parents every single evening, the fact that you can’t fathom this is even more concerning. Often the late evening is when that age group tend to want to have important chats and get things off their mind. You need to be present for your child.

Maybe she is upstairs because she doesn't want to be downstairs on her own....

Presumably between 3.30pm and 9pm - sports, activities, study, cooking, eating, cleaning, chatting to friends all take place? Then families sit down and relax together? But in your house you run off to your room to watch tv like people do in student houses. It is quite sad for your kid actually when this is your choice and not a necessity.

You then seem to think you can control her bedtime. Why would she listen to somebody who makes it obvious every single evening that they don't want to spend quality time with her.

All your replies to posters who disagree with you are shot down. You aren't coming across very well.

@BeatriceAndLottie the fact you can't fathom that I may know my own kid better than you and know what works is "concerning". 🙄 yes, she does often want chats as I'm going to bed - she does that whatever time I go and I fucking stay up to talk to her obviously. I'm not going to leave her in the lurch because I need to go to bed, am I! I am present for her and then I go to bed.

@Grabyourpassportandmyhand nope she's very happy to be downstairs, or in her room. What started this thread was that she was happily downstairs til 11 🤦🏽‍♀️ families aren't starting to sit together at 9pm and we've had enough hours before that. If for some reason we hadn't, again, I'd stay up. And who are you to say it isn't a necessity? Maybe it really helps motivate me for the day or maybe I need it for my mental or physical health.

Wherever she is, I always sit and chat with her for a little bit before I go to my room as a last chance saloon for any subject or problems she may wish to discuss. Not relevant for the OP but hopefully that'll stop your "concern".

NeverFastAlwaysFurious

Your posts are horrible. If this is how you are IRL, I think you’d be doing your kid a favour if you went to bed at 7pm.

😂😂😂 ok. Your post was obviously lovely and not insulting at all.

I'm also not the only parent on this thread who separates from their child around 9 so it's obviously not as bad as you think.

"You then seem to think you can control her bedtime." Ermmm yeah, isn't that my job as a parent?

9pm isn't that unusual for going to bed. People have different routines. If you get up at 5am then going to sleep at 9pm gives you 8 hours sleep.

13 year old Dts are phones off 830 go up and read for a bit. Then they faff around with skincare etc and are generally asleep for 915. Get up at 6.

Weekends are later around 10/1030

Up to bed at 9 for shower, then reads for a bit. Generally asleep by 10.

Sending a teenager to bed at 9 is no different than the OP sending herself to bed at 9 - they are still not socialising. You dp what works for you OP.

OP normally goes to bed at 9am but was awake until 3am responding to this thread? Ok.

*pm, obvs.

Everyone's different - DD all through secondary slept 10pm-7:30am, DS doesn't go to sleep until 11pm and is up at 6am 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes. Worst nights sleep in a long time. Just over 3 hours of very broken sleep. Might not make it until 9pm tonight 😂😭

Why do people post questions then argue with anyone who says anything OP doesn't like to hear. It's so pointless. Might as well not post if you don't want to reconsider how you go about things. It's as if they look for validation when they kind of feel they're doing it "wrong" so they can continue doing it "wrong" without feeling the niggle of doubt. It's actually quite unpleasant and controlling.

13 year old son - upstairs to get into bed between 8.30-9pm on school nights. I need an hour or so to myself at the end of the day. He usually reads, sometimes he just snuggles with his cat.

Weekends - whenever I go.

School hols - mix of the above.

Up at 7am for school. Never spritely!! Unless we’re going somewhere he’s usually awake anywhere from 8-10am on a weekend morning but will happily laze in bed until 11ish.

I didn't ask about my bed time @GarlicBun, the thread has been derailed by two people who seem to think I'm an awful parent based on the fact I go to bed when she should be looking to settle down for the night anyway by others accounts.

I'm very grateful to those who have taken the time to answer my question but those two very much haven't.