To stay or not to stay - buckle up it’s a long one

[Bluelights9999]

Don’t have anyone else to speak to so really looking for some advice.

AIBU?

Sometimes I think I would really love to leave my marriage and be a single parent on my own.

Since having our DD over a year ago I’ve became starkly aware of how much I have given up in comparison to my partner, he has been away 3 times this year abroad while I’ve been out on two nights out (which yes I understand this changes when kids come along but it’s nice to have me time once in a while) I try not to go out much because I feel
guilty for doing so and I know I will come home to a home where nothing has been done so I just even more to do the next day. My husband while he does help here and there doesn’t seem to understand how much goes into running the house and trying to keep on top of everything for everyone!

Returning to work from maternity leave I was hoping to go part time, I work long 13 hour days/nights for context, when explaining I’d like to do this (which we can afford) I’ve been told to ‘do what I want’ but when I ask but helping me out financially (not for any indulgences- for the usual things) it’s ignored - I’ve had to go back full time in order to pay for everything which I usually got as he has no interested in helping me. It’s absolutely killing me and on one of my nights due to drop off for childcare etc by the time I get home I’ve been awake for 26 hours! He doesn’t want to have to start a bit later or make any changes to his work as he deems this more important , even tho we are both high earners, he goes to a sporting thing basically every week - this was the second time of the week he was going and after a long day at work and parenting I snapped and said I really needed a break, I was met with we get the same breaks then he get no breaks - to which I was dumbfounded - he then denied he said this to my face and said he didn’t want to argue, he then left to go to said hobby.

i am never allowed to say how i feel about certain things because i am told i do not feel this way, if i say i need a break it becomes about him, if housework’s to be done he disappears and says he’s giving me a break from DD.

i suffer from noise sensitivity due to tinnitus when he is with DD he can be playing and making a lot of noise when i ask for it to stop it’s as if he does it more - I always have suffered with bouts of insomnia every night when I am actually asleep he has to make noise turn lights on etc I just don’t understand.

I also really don’t like people obnoxiously in my personal space he does constantly and I’ve asked for it to stop but I am told I’m your husband you need to get used to it.

ive rambled on enough now and there’s a lot more to say - I am in no way perfect and 100% have my flaws - which I’m willing to work on-

any advice is appreciated 🤞

How different would your life be without him. Personally I suggest you get out of the house with the baby for a couple of weeks. Do you have parents or friends who could put you up. I did this when DH developed a rather nasty habit to do with sports. He never hit me but would be in an awful mood if his team lost. I told him that it wasn't acceptable and after that I left when he did it. He now doesn't do it at all so hopefully your DH will realise how much effort running a house can be.

It needs to be at least 2 weeks so it's too long for him not to damage anything and he can feel how much stuff you do.

Honestly I’m not usually one to say you should leave easily, especially with children, but I think you should leave.

It sounds like you’re already a single parent and juggling everything and you’ve tried to ask for more and explain what you need and he ignored you because he is prioritising his own needs and wants over yours. If he hasn’t heard you by now and in response to direct pleas, I’m afraid he never will.

At least if you leave, he can have the kids sometimes and you will get a break then, you can have structured contact and plan your life accordingly and you can be happy and present for your children.

Also, it may be the kick in the pants he needs to actually step up and you could consider it a trial separation and formalise it only if nothing changes.

You say you’re a high earner so you have facility to leave and make it work alone so why not cut the dead weight!

Run for the hills. You deserve better. Why the hell isn't he sharing finances and housework? He sounds really selfish and to be inconsiderate when you're trying to sleep and getting in your personal space... that's just disrespectful.

Before leaving, there's steps to take to try and rectify this.

Firstly, you need to discuss

• Either traditional roles and he takes on more financial responsibility & redistribute bills, responsibilities and budgets BECAUSE you are doing the childcare

OR

• He steps up and takes stuff of your load with regards to childcare, pick ups and drop offs, and ensure equal free time.

He needs to realise:
You don't get both. You don't get a traditional wife doing everything and then have her pay for stuff/work full time on top. Or he needs to pull his own weight.

You've listed all the things he does/doesn't do that make you unhappy, angry or frustrated.

What does he do that makes you happy, relaxed or feeling cared for?

If I am completely honest nothing at this point - I’m pretty much on my own, had two very significant loses with weeks of each other and he done nothing - he went out the day after the first loss and that was that.

You’re so right - he wants 100% traditional wife and 50/50 financially, I was told
i I would get an allowance but it wouldn’t even cover a weekly food bill 🙈 the more I’m trying this out the more I realise how ridiculous this is and I shouldn’t have to put up with this.

It wouldn’t be much different if I’m honest - he covers the mortgage but I get pretty much everything else including the childcare bill and the fuel he uses to drive to said hobby - he wouldn’t care if I left I’ve said I wanted to leave before and he’s told me to ‘well
go then’ so ..

Your so right honestly 💕

I don’t think if I left it would change anything for him he wouldn’t come wanting to change it would be over I think - I just worry about where we would go in the mean time I don’t want to private let and mortgage rates are so high just now

I suspect the increasing agitation you experience around noise is complex and increasingly related to issues in your relationship. I know what you mean about noise and the need for personal space. I was thinking about it today. I find it quite physically distressing when I am trapped, completely trapped, by the noise of others with the lack of space. Add resentment on top. Add feeling completely unseen and exhausted. Add being the wife, the mother, the doer, the planner, the cleaner, the skivvy, the full-time worker. Add being exploited by someone who is meant to love and protect you.

Yes, thats a powerful mix for anyone to cope with. Your husband is completely letting you down. I'm sorry. What you feel is understandable and justified: gaslighting you to tell you what you feel is wrong is the final insult.

He must have a pretty cushy life when you facilitate it all?

Wow thank you for making me feel so heard/seen, it can be completely overwhelming at times can’t it? he knows I have struggled with my mental health in the past too and elements of ocd (which again I know is an issue of mine I need to work on) you are completely right looking at it a week of his life would be a holiday 😂 I do appreciate he does have a full on stressful job but I do too… down to saving peoples lifes on the daily it’s pretty tough out here for me just now 😴

I think you have your answer.

I'm sorry for your losses

OP your post actually made me really sad. It is less that he is useless with helping with dd and the practical side (which he is) it is more his attitude towards you.
he is mean with finances, indifferent to your needs, selfish with time, treats you like a housemaid and just generally treats you like you are unimportant.

I can't see what positive things he brings ot the table. He has no interest in making a marriage work, just in you providing a house and family which he interacts with at his convenience.

You deserve better, at the very least someone who likes you

I haven't read past page 2 but hoping you can get some inspiration from it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce?page=1

Let me get this right - you have one year old and he’s gone abroad three times?! I don’t know anyone who would get away with that unless the wife really didn’t care.

If you’re married why do you need to ask for money. Do you not have a joint account to access family cash?

I do care but saying no your not going would be even more hassle than what I already deal with

no we don’t have a joint account

Sounds really tough. You def need to make changes, if he is bothered if you leave, he isn’t bothered if you stay - surely you realise you are worth more than that. Sell the house and then you can move on properly. Good luck.

Thank you,

writing it all out and seeing how others respond has made me see how bad it’s actually is I thought I was maybe feeling sorry for myself or just being dramatic x

I know I am worth a lot more but the house was his before I came along so I don’t even know if I’d get anything - even tho I’ve paid for most of what’s in it

You are married and have a child, if you divorce, it doesn’t matter that it was his originally. You’ll still be entitled to a share of equity. I would suggest getting some legal advice but you certainly can’t carry on like this, I really feel for you. I have been there sadly.

Your life sounds so sad and you, and your DC, deserve more.

I would get some legal advice about what you would be entitled to in a divorce, and try and gather what financial information about him that you can, before discussing anything with him.

Him owning the house before you married is - I think - irrelevant and you should be entitled to 50% of all assets. But take legal advice on that!

If you were to separate, do you envisage your H wanting 50/50 access to DC?

The thing is, if there's just you at home, no DP, no baby, running a house can be quite minimalist. Simple meals or takeaways for starters. Much less mess. Fewer washing loads, less need to hoover or whatever. I'm not sure it's the lesson it needs to be.

Why would it be more hassle? This sounds emotionally abusive I’m afraid. I don’t know anyone’s husbands who would think that was ok let alone doing it.

Have you ever suggested opening one?

It would just ensue an argument and as usual I’d be the bad one. Yeah I have done but it’s always fallen on deaths door

I know the more I read what people are saying it really does, people look at me like I’m crazy when I say I’m still working full time, I know this is defiantly something I should look into. Thank you xx