Should I forgive his friend

[catsandblooms]

Without giving too away many details of my current situation, my husband and I have had a tough few months which we are working through.

We have been together for 10 years. I also met his best friend 10 years ago and we are all part of the same friend group.

My husband has admitted that he has a bad relationship with alcohol and has cut the drinking. He has been consistent for several months and I'm proud of his commitment.

We were at breaking point several months ago when his drinking had led to drug taking and concealing this from me. His best friend is exactly the same and essentially they were and have been a 'bad influence' on each other.

After a particularly bad episode where he broke my trust, I was ready to end it. We have since come back together and he is showing all positive signs of change and being consistent. He is seeing a therapist, cut the drinking, no nights out, putting us first etc etc.

The problem is, after knowing and trusting his best friend for years, I now resent him.
It's not a case of blaming him - I know this issue is between my husband and I. But I dislike the best friends lifestyle and how encouraging he is of my husbands bad behaviour, going as far as to help him conceal it from me and showing little remorse when I called them both out. Again I recognise that this was my husbands doing and I do not blame the friend, but he was involved.

They have been best friends since they were children and he isn't going anywhere. My feeling is that he can continue his relationship with him as long as it's in a sober environment but I'm no longer interested in spending time with him. The problem is that he is a big part of a wider friendship group, I adore his wife and the other people in the group but I feel like I'm going to have to start seeing them all separately and not engaging.

I can tell the best friend knows I'm not happy with him, but he hasn't bothered to reach out to me and resolve things. I would have considered him my friend too, but now I feel very differently.

AIBU - you've 'forgiven' your husband, let go and forgive the friend too
YANBU - you can focus on your marriage but still resent the friend/ no long see them

I don’t see what the issue is with the friend really, unless he was pouring drink down your husband’s neck and shoving drugs up his nose then he’s done absolutely nothing wrong. Your husband is a grown man who made his own choices, if you can forgive him then I can’t see any sense holding any kind of grudge against a friend.

You can set your boundaries about what you are willing to tolerate. You can’t tell him what he can and can’t do.

He's broken your trust too and you deserve an apology, being complicit in hiding the drug taking isn't ok, but he's probably justified it as being a good mate (to hubby).
Tbh, he's an enabler but also your husband's working on himself is probably upsetting cos he's losing his "fun mate"

Avoid for now, once things settle I'm sure you'll be able to move past it. But being civil/temperate in his company isn't the same as trusting him and you probably won't again sadly.

Like others have said, set your boundaries with your husband.
If you are in an environment with the friend civility and politeness is worse than holding a grudge. I agree he has enabled your husband, but I'm guessing so have a lot of others, sorry to say but you as well.
Does your husband know that you have this concern around his friend? If not, explain it to him, but as someone else has said, he didn't pour the drink into him.

This is all your husband. If your friend was out on the lash causing all manner of problems and taking drugs, would you jump in with her and do it? No. You dislike the friend because you know your husband listens to him more than he listens to you.

That's the problem here. And it won't change until your husband chooses to restructure that system of priority. The reality is, he may never will. But it's not the friend. It could be anyone. It could be a sister or his mother or a colleague. The point is, he's prioritising someone else over you. You know that, on some level, and that's why you resent him so much. His priority in your husband's life is what really stings.

If you can’t change it embrace it as you said he’s going nowhere

but it does sound as though subconsciously you blame him

I have never been forced to drink or take drugs as an adult.
I have said 'no thanks' despite being tempted on umpteen occasions.
It takes willpower and resolve.
And it takes knowing who to hang out with out.
There are people that say 'go on, one won't hurt' and those people I don't mix with.

I think people are attracted to people with similar values. I think your husband likes being around his friend because he gets to bring out this part of himself and live his best life with the friend as this part of himself sees it.

Your husband needs to choose to step back from him to maintain sobriety and the friend isn’t in control of that. You are enabling your DH's behaviour every bit as much as his friend is.

You're focusing on the wrong person. Your husband is entirely responsible for his behaviour, no one else.

It's not clear from your post how much your husband is drinking or how he behaves when he's drunk or why this is a problem.

Focus on yourself. You cannot change people, people have to work on themselves. You could attend Al Anon for support and read up on co dependency to see if it resonates.

Ultimately, your husband will give up drinking if he wants to. It has nothing to do with his friend and he is after all choosing to be friends with him.

What you can do is decide how much you will tolerate and stick to your boundaries.

Thank you this is really helpful. I'm not blaming the friend, I know this is on my husband but I'm just trying to navigate how to move on from this and be around someone I don't like or trust anymore, and whether I even need to make the effort.

Well how are you navigating being around your husband still? You presumably don’t like or trust him either, given he’s the one who owed you something, so however you’re managing to co-exist with him you can apply to this friend

Problem is its easier to go back when a friend is waiting. He might be off the drink and drugs this week, but what about next? What happens when he has a spat with you or a bad work day and theres his mate with a bottle and who knows what else?

it is entirely the husbands fault and only he can improve himself. The friend us someone he has to choose to get rid of willingly