To think that my coparent shouldn't ignore me entirely

[hotrocks84]

Separated for two years, very nearly divorced. Went to court over finances and all very acrimonious.

My ex is a controlling w*nker who is furious with me constantly for reasons unknown (we broke up due to his constant infidelity).

We have two little girls. Ex insisted on 50 50 so that is what we have. In general I try to opt for parallel parenting rather than coparenting as ex slags me off to the kids and is utterly uncooperative. However, recently he's moved to a strategy of completely ignoring me. Messages from do you have the brownies kit right through to how should we tell the children about the sale of the family home - total silence on all. Have only heard back from him when I dared to ask that he pay his breakfast club balance as it was preventing me from making a booking- this request to part with £18 provoked a five message tirade.

I'm happy to grey rock my ex to death, it works well usually. But I don't see how I can respond to his total radio silence on things I need to know to look after the kids.

How should I respond to this new tactic (and it is a tactic, I think as he loses control with the divorce and house sale almost over the line) of silent treatment without giving him the gratification of getting upset?

I don't know what to advise really - it sounds like he was an arsehole when you were married to him and he's an arsehole now - there's not much you can do about that. You can't force him to respond to your messages. All you can do is your best to parent your kids without any co-operation and with as little contact as possible. I hope it will get better in time. You could point out to him that his unreasonable and childish behaviour doesn't impact you as you no longer care but that he is hurting his daughters. But that may just add fuel to the fire.

Unfortunately, as I understand it, parallel parenting means that you have to accept that you cannot ask or expect any sort of co-operation whatsoever. So, re the house for example, I'd either just not discuss with him and do what you think is best, OR send him a message when you have the DDs and say something like, "I plan to tell DDs tomorrow about the move, if you want to be involved int hat conversation please let me know."

Things like Brownie kit etc, assume he has them (and that you cannot get themb back).

You have to assume that he will not respond helpfully to ANYTHING, so make all your decisions over what to share with him and what to do with your DC on that basis.

Sadly you can't co parent with a cunt.... He isn't being a decent df having 50/50... He is simply using the situation to abuse you further... Do what's necessary in your time. Stop prompting him about his.

You buy two Brownie Uniforms, you pay for the breakfast club even though you shouldn't have to to make your life easier. He is an idiot but you know that, that's why he is an ex.

Can you ask the breakfast club if you can have two billing accounts, so you are responsible for yours? Doesn't stop him being an arsehole of course! Once the finances are settled, he may well settle down. As you say, it is in the middle of loss of control, so he is probably feeling particularly passed off at you.

As a wise but cynical friend said to me once, "If you expect nothing, you're never disappointed."

I think you've reached the point of just having to manage without him. By all means, inform him of stuff, but you're going to have to stop relying on him to work with you.
Brownie uniform, have two sets. I'm sure your leader could help you source on on the cheap.
Breakfast club bills, speak to the school about setting up 2 accounts for whichever days the kids are with you vs him. I promise you, they've heard it all before, and will support you if you ask.

He was a knob when you were married, and he's still a knob. For the sake of your DDs, you'll just have to work around him.

Set a side a set day and time for discussing anything to do with the kids. Don't keep messaging him through the week. It shouldn't be hard to make sure things are where they should be.

I also second contacting school. Yes they have heard it all before.
Every time you have to communicate with try and think if there is a way of not communicating with him - like school sending him the bill for his half.

even though it’s his fault you’ve made his life more difficult by leaving, so he will keep punishing you. I expect this will all change if he gets a new woman and wants to prove how reasonable he is.

Thanks everyone for your answers. Some good ideas here and lots of support! Yes, he's not going to stop being an arse any time soon, but reassuring to know I should just continue to work around him.

Be like water, eh! Water flowing around a large turd....