Bone Idle After Grandad Passing Away?

[Hare95]

Hey MN,

So…I have an 8yo DS who lives with me full time. Just to give some context, I had him when in a previous same sex relationship; separated 3 years ago - both moved on but haven’t been able to be civil for the most part yet that’s a whole other story. DS stays with ex on a four week rota consisting of two full weekends, one half weekend and one weekend with no contact at all. During the weekend of no contact I’ve only just one month ago managed to get my ex to agree to see our son one day in that week otherwise it means every four weeks not seeing him for a full 12 days. She put up a battle against this for 3 years and has only just finally given in.

I took DS to school on Monday as normal but during the school day I received a phone call to say my Grandad had sadly passed away. We knew he was at the end of life due to a terminal cancer diagnosis but we didn’t expect it to happen so soon and so suddenly. My ex (despite all the negative things I can say about her) was amazing and she agreed at the drop of a hat to pick DS up from school and get him to school the next day to allow me to go to my Grandparents’. Later that day I asked if she would be able to have DS for the rest of the week for me and she without hesitation agreed. This was much to my surprise as usually anything extra I ask for is a straightforward no, including asking for help if I’m unwell as I have a physical disability that flares up sporadically and I just get told “I’m busy, I’ve got a tattoo booked, I’m going away for the night with my girlfriend” and she will then turn up at my house and bring DS to the door despite me begging her not to because I can hardly walk. I then have to go into damage limitation mode so as to not upset DS and have to answer the door and try and act normal). So I was really shocked she agreed and made sure she knew how grateful I was.

Last night she text me saying my son needed his Ukulele for his music lesson today and of course it had slipped my mind until that point. She also wanted more uniform so she doesn’t have to wash it every night. I did say she probably wouldn’t need to wash every item of clothing every night particularly now it’s winter and DS isn’t running around getting all hot and sticky. I also said she could throw the uniform in together (the colours wont run now because of being washed a fair few times already and I do this myself if I’m in a rush).
I said it it does need washing to do a 30min quick wash and then chuck it all in the tumble dryer - probably an hour of washing and drying at most. She does live with her Mum in a one bed flat so it’s not like they have endless upkeep on the housework side of things and obviously she also has an extra pair of hands around. But because she doesn’t get home until 6-7pm she said she wanted the clothes and that she wanted me to take them into school. She wasn’t budging on it so I agreed to take it all in this morning. I finished washing and drying the spare uniform, packed it up along with the Ukulele and left it by the front door to take first thing.

I got up today after hardly sleeping (an ongoing issue) but with everything else going on I really didn’t feel like going out. It’s my coping mechanism when I have a lot on my mind; I’d rather stay in and have some alone time than be out socialising/keeping busy (which I know a lot of people find helpful) and I etc which I know a lot of people find helpful. I called DS school to see if they had a spare Ukulele with the intention of dragging myself out the house if they didn’t as I didn’t want him going without as he really enjoys that lesson. School confirmed they would sort something out so I text my ex and told her this as well as said it’ll be fine throwing the uniform on a quick wash if needed. Thought she would be ok with this and understanding that my head is all over the place. We were together for 15 years and she was very close to my Grandad.

Anyway, so I’ve just had a reply where she’s told me she needs the spare clothes and I should have taken DS Ukulele in incase they don’t have a spare (even though school have reassured it’s all in hand) and she has told me that I’m being bone idle!! Do you guys think I am? AIBU with what I’ve done? It’s really upset me as I just wanted to stay at home in my comfies whilst I’m trying to come to terms with the loss of someone I was so incredibly close to. I didn’t have it in me to go out and even had some food shopping delivered last night as I just want to be at home and have the headspace at the minute. I thought asking her to do a quick wash and dry wasn’t asking too much and school reassured me they would sort out the instrument issue so I really didn’t feel I was being unfair here. To be then called bone idle when I found out less than 48 hours ago that my Gramps has passed away has really upset me 😔

Please let me know your thoughts either way!

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

I don't think it's a case of YABU or YANBU. Grief affects everyone in different ways. I do think throwing an insult at you is unreasonable. Nobody needs that.

However, I can also see that there's certain practicalities that can't be avoided even in times of intense grief such as making sure your DS is sorted with everything they need for school.

Normally i'm not on the fence about these polls but with this one I am. All I can say is there's no hard and fast rules in these situations, but I'd have been grateful to the Ex enough to run the Uke and clothing over to them. After all, they have been good enough to step up the childcare.

I appreciate that you're grieving, but that doesn't mean you can stop providing the things that your child needs for school. Everyone would like to 'stay at home in their comfies' at difficult times, but if you have a child, you do need to do basic things like make sure they have what they need for school. Your ex wasn't expecting or planning to have your child for the whole week, so it's understandable that she wasn't prepared and needed you to sort a couple of things - especially given that she's in very cramped conditions. Her, her mother, and a school age child in a one-bed flat isn't easy.

You are not bone idle, but she is not unreasonable to ask for more clothes.
Why has this comment hit you so deeply? Is there something about being called lazy that is particularly upsetting for you, and if so why?
She is frustrated and lashing out, let it go over your head.

You say Co parenting has traditionally been difficult.

This time she stepped up without hesitation (as she should).

But I would have taken the opportunity to ensure it stayed pleasant and facilitated what she needed because it may have led to improvements all around. A new start maybe.

I don't think either of you are being massively unreasonable, but if I were you I would have done it... She shouldn't call you names like that though.

Thanks for the replies everyone! It’s been commented on that I should still ensure my son has what he needs but I have done that…school reassured his instrument would be sorted and he has uniform on that doesn’t need washing every day anyway so even when it does need washing I didn’t feel chucking it all on a 30 minute wash would be asking her for the world…it’s actually less time than I’d have to spend taking the things into school as my son isn’t at the school closest to where we live. So I just thought she would understand that I’m grieving and that throwing his uniform on a quick wash wasn’t going to really put her out.

and yeah co parenting hasn’t been easy. She can get quite difficult when things don’t go her way or if something is asked of her that she doesn’t like. For example last week she contributed to my son’s school trip for the first time in his whole school life. It was £8.75 and she wasn’t happy about it because she only wanted to contribute to future trips not one I had just paid out for a few days beforehand. She told me the money was in my sons’s bag and when I got it out she had sent it in 2p and 1p coins!!! Very mature 🙄 and this is just one of the situations over here last three years 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry I do think you are being unreasonable about the uniform - one set of clothes, including t shirt, being washed over and over again isn’t ideal, and asking a school age child to re-wear a t shirt or shirt definitely isn’t ideal. I wouldn’t re -wear my t shirts for more than 1 day. The kids are still running around at playtime, and even in your grief, you have an obligation to sort out your children. Assuming your ex doesn’t have spare uniform at her house then yes, for the sake of your child you need to pull yourself together enough to drop off spare uniform.

have you been into work this week? Doing anything else, like shopping or seeing family?

I think this is more than just the bone idle comment.
But for the sake of your ds you need to rise above it.
Splits are hard
Co parenting is hard.
Time to take the high rd and stop squabbling.

Sorry for your loss.

But it's time for you and your ex to stop bickering over every last little thing. It sounds exhausting - and not good for your DS to hear

Both my parents died when my children were still young and no matter how much i just wanted the world to stand still, parenting just went on. You can never really take a break from it.
On the other hand this was what kept me going in the end, you must go on because of your kids.

Sorry for your loss but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Only having one set of uniform for a week for a small child and washing on demand isn’t suitable. How is she getting it dried in time? And a total faff. I get you’re grieving but it doesn’t take much to deliver some uniform and then you would have taken the ukulele at the same time. Life has to go on especially when kids are involved. My dad died last year and I have 2 small kids at home full time so I know it can be hard to just keep going but you have to with kids around.

I agree. My Mum died last year, I was exhausted after 9 long weeks of her being very ill, lots of hospital visits, including one until 5.30 in the morning and I stay up and parent a 4 and 7 year old as it was the school holidays and 3 days and nights of sitting with Mum at the end, only leaving for 90 mins to travel home, do the school run, shower and travel back.

Kids have needs which need to be meet. Normality is important for them as surely they’re grieving the loss of a close relative too.