To feel upset about this friendship

[Nelly555]

I think IABU but would like your thoughts in how to handle this please.

I met my 2 friends in unusual circumstances. Amy and Daniel ( Daniel is gay).

At separate times but we all share a bond and I grew very close to them both.
They didn't know each other, but I knew they would both get on.

I probably saw Daniel more because he lives in the same city as me. I tried to arrange a meet up between the three of us but Daniel was unavailable.

Daniel has a property abroad and Amy had to go to this country so I put them in contact because she needed somewhere to stay. She stayed at his place (he wasn't there) all good.

Daniel then messaged me a while ago saying that he hoped I wouldn't be upset but he has arranged to meet Amy for lunch. I replied that I wasn't upset and I knew they would get on ( I also didn't want to gate keep a friendship).

However, I was a bit upset because he sent me a photo of a beautiful bunch of flowers he had bought for her. I had bought him a couple of thoughtful gifts but have never received anything from him.

When I meet with Daniel it's always on his terms, where we should meet, how long he has spare etc.

Amy is in our city in a few weeks, we have arranged to meet up, all 3 of us. Daniel was very concerned that he didn't want to put Amy out with travelling and asked where she preferred to meet. Not considering that my journey is over 1 hour.

They both are very successful and quite wealthy. I'm not and I probably am not on the same intelligence level as they are. I'm happy because I love them both and knew they would get on but I'm feeling jealous that I may be left behind and Daniel has more concern about Amy than he does me🙈

I feel like a spare part and I really don't know how to handle this?

Bump

It doesn't sound as if Daniel is as good a friend as you think he is. He meets up with you when it's convenient for him and he's showing more consideration for Amy than he has for you. If I were you I'd probably distance myself from him and concentrate on other friendships.

He's your friend so perhaps speak to him about how you feel.

Can you invest in other friendships or meet new people? Daniel needs to appreciate you more.

He has been a good friend to me and I love his company.

I don't have many friends and the circumstances that we met makes a special bond.
I did have to speak to him a while ago as he was inviting me to go abroad and to other events.
I did keep declining as I don't have much spare money and I didn't want him to think that I just couldn't be bothered.
He would happily pay for me but everything is 50/50 when we meet and that's how I like it. A lot of people take advantage of his generosity.

Amy is also wealthy so I guess that I'm just feeling that I'm going to be left behind. The flower thing did hurt though.
Distancing myself would hurt too as they both really "get me".

You forced them together and now you’re upset that they may get on better than they do with you 🤦🏻‍♀️

@yeesh
I didn't force them together, we are all part of a wider group. But, yes I am feeling a bit left out. I know that I'm being unreasonable which is why I'm asking for advice.

I really didn't mind them meeting up without me but rightly or wrongly I was upset about the flowers 🥹

Sounds like you don't mind and maybe even want them to be friends but that Daniel seems to try more or maybe respect Amy more than he does you, which hurts? Perhaps Daniel feels more comfortable in your relationship and is trying more with Amy because he doesn't feel that friendship has as solid a foundation.
We can't make anyone act differently, we can only accept how people behave and adjust our own expectations and investments accordingly.
I think maybe it's worth working on your own self-esteem a little - often, when we respect and love ourselves, the subtle shift is perceived by others. If not, and these friendships are detrimental to your self worth, then it's often better to have fewer close friends who love you unconditionally than more friendships which leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. x

Sounds ok?
It's just because they've only just met. Friendship honeymoon period.
I wouldn't get too invested. Focus on other friendships or hobbies for the min but keep it open.

@Wondergirl1111 yes that's exactly how I feel. Thank you you reply is very helpful.

I have absolutely no self-esteem, I do try to work on this but it's difficult. I only have 1 proper friend, I have been let down by my friends in the last few years and have not kept in contact.
I know a lot of this is my issues, I think I'm just trying to protect myself as I've been let down so much in the past.

I understand how you feel, I also struggle with self-esteem. Counselling has helped me a lot. You deserve friendships which make you feel good about yourself and you deserve friendships full stop. I wish you all the best in starting to build your self worth x