To wonder if things ever get back to how they were with your first child after having a second?

[actuallyithought]

DS was just over two and a half when I had another baby, he’s now 4 this month. Our relationship hasn’t been brilliant since … he’s gravitated towards his dad massively. We’re OK, we get on well when out and about but on the house we argue, I find I get sucked into a negative spiral with him, he can be quite rude, doesn’t listen at all which drives me a bit crazy.

I know the advice is to try to have time just you but this is difficult / impossible during the week and at weekends I do feel like I’m taking him from his dad if I try. I do go swimming with him though. But we’re in a negative cycle really.

I sometimes feel a bit sad about it, we were so close once and now there’s this distance fheee. Does it ever close?

This sounds like it’s as much to do with his age as having a sibling tbh. 2.5 to 4 is hard work!!

If you are around a lot more than DS’s dad and you are the one who pulls him up on rudeness and does the day to day while your OH is around less and does the fun weekend stuff … well yep he will likely gravitate to dad in that situation! It’s not a reflection on you or your relationship with DS, just that dad has a bit of celeb status going on.

Can you try to make sure you do a fun thing together at the weekends? Swimming is quite fun but can also be a bit stressy at this age, don’t know if it is for you? Don’t worry about taking him away from his dad. Will be good for dad to have time in sole charge of the baby!

Thanks @minipie , that was a lovely answer. We went to the park this afternoon, had a lovely time but as soon as we got home he started being so stroppy and rude to me.

We do a lot of nice things - probably too many, I do sometimes think he needs more
downtime but we’re all just so much better out of the house!

I do know what you mean about the negative spiral. I think sometimes you have to bite your tongue about 70% of the bad behaviour just to get out of that vicious circle. And hug him even if he’s being horrible. Easier said than done!!

I wouldn’t even consider a child of that age ‘rude’. They can only copy behaviour they have seen and will just be trying to communicate with you. Doesn’t mean you don’t challenge/discipline the behaviour, but I think reframing it in your mind can help managing your feelings around it.

What about nap times for the four month old? Do you focus on quality time with the older child? My 3yo has found it hard that we now have a 9 month old. She has handled it well still but has always been a mummy’s girl so can lash out at me or the baby because she isn’t getting anywhere near as much of my individual attention. Little things to drive a connection can help undo the unkindness. So having special stories, songs, that are yours together. Or
i draw a heart on her hand on mine so she knows I’m thinking of her when we aren’t together.

Maybe he struggles with the transition, so if coming home is hard maybe get a snack or drink or something straight away to
ease it.

It will get easier!

Could you have a special indoor treat once a week, like a movie night or a games night or a colouring in club (or toy car club or whatever he is into) where you carve out 20 minutes to curl up together and do something without the baby?