How do you say no to an invite that you have accepted

[Rosiecidar]

I find myself accepting invites then wishing that I hadn't. Recently, a friend invited 4 of us for a catch up lunch - the date is confirmed 2 weeks later by which point I have forgotten about it and have now have things in my diary on the day before and week before including with three of five people also going to a lunch but not the host. Then I have a day walking in the Dales with three friends but the organiser has now invited four more people - I like them all (well two I find a bit trying) - Some people decline invites without reason, but I think among friends it sounds cold. But I sometimes feel that I accept something but then the actual invite changes complexion and I am stuck. Any help please?

Is it possible to invite the host to the lunch with the three others? Or cancel that lunch in favour of her “Catch up”.

Generally, don’t say yes unless you’ve got your calendar with you and so are able to say whether you are free. If you accidentally say yes and then find out you aren’t free, let them know asap - so say “sorry I accepted without my calendar with me - but I’ve now looked and I’m not actually free”.

If you’ve just slightly overcommitted yourself as it sounds like you have rather than not actually being busy, you probably have to suck it up and accept the tiredness. Or ask to move to a later date rather than outright saying no.

You sound like you have lots of choice and are as a result picking those you like best. So why bother with the one you want to cancel n? Why not just stay friends with the ones you prefer, so she can stop wasting her resources and investing in you.

You need to learn to not say ‘yes’ so quickly. Make sure you check your diary and consider whether you’ve got the time and whether you actually want to go before committing. You’re coming across as flaky and if you do this too often, to the same people, then people will no doubt be slagging you off behind your back 🤷‍♀️

I think that ideally if you accept something you should stick to it. So next time say no, but if you change your mind see if they have space. But my experience is that people tend to just call in sick on the day or fabricate a babysitter not turning up situation. I’m probably the person on people’s lists so this happens quite a lot 😜.

It’s really rude to decide you can’t be bothered now because you have other things happening around that event.

In the first example, you accepted the invite and then made plans round it. That's on you and there isn't a polite way to say 'I care about other people/plans more than you'. You should go and plan better next time.

The second one where the plans have been changed by someone else, it's ok to say that you're not feeling up to being part of a big group hike so you'll leave this one and catch up another time.

So firstly I never cancel (except when I had COVID!) it's that I think I over commit and then rather wish I hadn't.
In the first example about the lunch, the date wasn't fixed it was one of 3 possible weekends and as the lunch date hadn't been confirmed I accepted a dinner invite the evening before - the lunch was only confirmed weeks after the dates had been proposed. That's on me, and I agree with the person who said never accept without a diary to check against. I will suck it up, but probably should have immediately said that I could no longer make the date for the lunch before it had been confirmed.

I do think the second trip is different as more the merrier just isn't for everyone.

It's actually not that at all. I actually much prefer seeing the person who arranged the lunch on a one to one basis. It's not even just about feeling tired. I am a classic introvert so find social settings quite exhausting which is why doing things back to back can feel very mentally draining. But I need to not accept so quickly and keep a diary better

Maybe also communicate that you prefer seeing her alone, when you next speak?

You say "I'm not sure, I need to check my calendar and get back to you."

If there are three possible lunch dates I would hold them for a few days but if people are taking bloody ages to decide and I got a firm invite for one of them I'd make a decision and then say sorry no longer available that date.

Cancelling once you've nailed it down isn't on though

You can't now as it would be rude but a diary is a good idea from now on.

It seems like there's a lot you could do with learning about etiquette of making plans with friends.

Just cancel!

I’m lucky in that me and all of my friends are all very similar about this stuff. We all believe that cancelling plans, even on the day (unless something is booked) because you’re not feeling it that day is absolutely fine.
We are also all as flaky as each other so it’s usual to get a text at 10.30pm saying “mate, I just realised we were supposed to be going for a drink tonight 😂” and we have a laugh about it and rearrange.

You could say' I find you the biggest bore darling and ur food is a drag, would you mind if we reschedule, I have a 12 months solitary confinement strech coming up, after then could work!