To not see relatives when I'm on holiday in their area?

[pattihews]

I have two branches of my family in New Zealand and have had a couple of trips over there where I've stayed with several of them for a few nights while touring around. They're all pleasant, welcoming people with large families of children and grandchildren, and all interested in knowing what's going on in Europe and my family.

When I stayed with them in 2018 (last time I was over there) I used to go to bed every night exhausted with the endless questions about Brexit and Boris and babies and gardening and the economy and my career. The talking and trying to keep track of the names of all the latest grandchildren and in-laws, and being taken to visit so many people including friends and neighbours was very intense. Not something I want to repeat.

I've just been asked by an old UK friend who's married to a Kiwi and lives in the Tasman area if I'd like to look after her house while she and her husband are in South America for a few months. It'll be January and February. But that's the area where quite a few of my family members live. Probably about 20 adults who know me. I fear that there's a small but real chance that at some point I'll bump into one or another of them if I'm there for several weeks. The farmer's market, a cafe, filling up with petrol... any kind of public social event and there's a possibility someone will be there and recognise me.

AIBU? If not, how do I manage things in order to do the least damage if I'm found out?

Sorry, got muddled and managed to post a response to another thread here by mistake.

Tell them you are coming and arrange one day when you can catch up with the lot. Then decline any further invitations.

P.S. apologies but the post just quoted itself and I have no way of editing the quote out.

I think that would be worse than being caught out. They'd be really offended that I was there and didn't want to spend more time with them.

With that long of a visit, I would just set up one day for family. Maybe make it towards the beginning and say your trip is shorter than planned. If you bump into them later, just say plans changed.

More so than if you were there and not only didn't want to spend time with them but didn't even want them to know you were there? I doubt it somehow. I think not telling them gives a very clear message that you want to have nothing to do with them.

You've got 2 whole months there. I'd arrange a big get-together with all of them. One at the beginning of your trip and one towards the end.

The danger if you only book 1 at the beginning is that various people will say "we must get another meet up in before you go", and you'll end up with several more things in the diary.

If you're arranging it, you can control what you do and make sure it's timebound. And you'll have your own place to go back to at the end of the day, which will make things less intense than when you're staying at a relative's home.

Just say you’ll be over and it would be lovely to meet them for lunch or dinner. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t stay with them.

I have to say I’ve been put off holidaying near family after we went somewhere about an hour away from BIL/SIL. We said we’d meet them for a day out. They came with their campervan, parked up in the drive of our Airbnb and there they stayed for the week, showering in our bathroom, expecting to be fed and watered for the rest of our holiday. Dh is a people pleaser and couldn’t bare to tell them to leave. 😩 Never again. I don’t even offer to meet for a meal anymore!

I can make an excuse if I bump into them and tell them I'm on a flying visit to the area or whatever. But telling them I'm there for two months but only want to meet once would be seen as incredibly rude.

The idea of going, hosting a bit of a do, explaining that I plan to travel around a bit (I do) but organising another get-together before I leave might do the trick. I wouldn't host at my friend's house because I don't want them all to know where to find me. Thank you.

It looks as if one of my friends may be coming out with me for a couple of weeks in January, so that may also help me stay vague.

My DS and her horrible husband are forever pushing to come and stay with me, but whenever I suggest a couple of nights I'm told that it's too far to come just for two or three nights, it has to be a week. They, like your relatives, expect to be fed and watered and taken out and about and frankly I can't afford to do it for a whole week. Last time they were here they cost me at least £200.

You don’t let them know it’s two months.

”hey family I’m doing a favour for a friend and will be your way briefly, fancy a get together on the 20th? If not that’s cool”

don’t get dragged into how long and too bad if you are seen after the day “oh yeah an emergency happened now I’m stuck here a bit longer it’s been more chaos can’t stop”

Yes, that would work. No need to tell out-and-out lies, I can just fail to spell out the full details and be vague. I can deal with a whole-family get-together if I could escape afterwards. And I could cope with meeting up with a few of them for a coffee or lunch once or twice. Just very anxious to avoid constant invitations to visit. I had a lovely time last time I was over there, but I spent far too long sitting on stranger's sofas making smalltalk.