Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to cut everyone off and go solo in life?

22 replies

DenimShark · 05/11/2024 08:38

After facing some truly awful times alone over the last few years, without support from family or friends, I’m fed up. Part of me just wants to start fresh, focus on myself, and move on without others holding me back. Has anyone else felt this way?

OP posts:
Iamnotalemming · 05/11/2024 08:48

Didn't want to read and run, but Im not sure I understand enough to be able to vote. What do you mean by fresh start? Going no contact?

I'm sorry you didn't feel supported. And I hope you find a way to move forwards positively.Flowers

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 08:51

But how are they holding you back? And if you’ve dealt with difficult times alone for a period of years, without support from others, aren’t you already effectively solo?

DenimShark · 05/11/2024 08:55

Iamnotalemming · 05/11/2024 08:48

Didn't want to read and run, but Im not sure I understand enough to be able to vote. What do you mean by fresh start? Going no contact?

I'm sorry you didn't feel supported. And I hope you find a way to move forwards positively.Flowers

I mean focusing on myself and setting stronger boundaries - possibly even going no contact with some people. I feel like I’ve been carrying the weight of relationships that haven’t really supported me, so I’m thinking about stepping back to prioritise my own wellbeing. I appreciate your kind words; they mean a lot.

OP posts:
DenimShark · 05/11/2024 08:57

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 08:51

But how are they holding you back? And if you’ve dealt with difficult times alone for a period of years, without support from others, aren’t you already effectively solo?

I suppose I am in some ways, but there’s a difference between dealing with things alone and actually cutting ties or moving forward with intention. Even though they aren’t actively supporting me, I sometimes feel like certain relationships weigh on me or create expectations that I can’t meet. I’m hoping that letting go of those could help me feel lighter and focus more on what I need.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 05/11/2024 08:59

It depends what you mean. If you mean AIBU to cut off toxic friendships and family ties which have held you back then no, you are far better off without them.

If you mean AIBU to seek to live like a virtual hermit with minimal contact with anyone then no I don’t recommend it. Lots of people will be along shortly to tell you that friends are overrated and cause “too much drama” but that’s a topical and fashionable thing at the moment. All the evidence is that people with support networks tend to be happier and healthier than those without.

OriginalShutters · 05/11/2024 09:00

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/11/2024 08:59

It depends what you mean. If you mean AIBU to cut off toxic friendships and family ties which have held you back then no, you are far better off without them.

If you mean AIBU to seek to live like a virtual hermit with minimal contact with anyone then no I don’t recommend it. Lots of people will be along shortly to tell you that friends are overrated and cause “too much drama” but that’s a topical and fashionable thing at the moment. All the evidence is that people with support networks tend to be happier and healthier than those without.

I think that’s fair.

Autumnweddingguest · 05/11/2024 09:01

It sounds like it may be a healthy instinct in reaction to how you have been treated/allowed yourself to be treated over the years. Sometimes we need to set very strong boundaries at first and then adjust them. In the brilliant Feel the Fear book, Jeffers talks about the pendulum swinging too far in the direction of 'selfish' at first, and this being a natural, normal and healthy reaction to years of behaving and being treated like a doormat.

What I am saying is, you may need to do this for a while, but keep open to the possibility that you might want to re-establish connections with people once you have new boundaries in place.

Another way to do it is the opposite. In tiny steps, build up the boundaries so subtly that no one spots you making them. That way you don't get labelled as mad and bad for your sudden and extreme reaction. You just start practising how to smile and say no, or 'I can't do/make that commitment' and feel no guilt for it. Another trick is to ask all the people who have been using you for help. Say you are exhausted and overstretched and could they just help you out.... They vanish like wisps of smoke and your time becomes your own again.

Geranen · 05/11/2024 09:13

Sounds more like you want a new start to me than to be a hermit. Totally know how you feel.

Londontown12 · 05/11/2024 09:30

I have cut ties with people friends and family that was toxic !
it has given me time to work on myself !!
it’s been fabulous to be honest and I don’t have to rely on anyone’s for support ! X

Londontown12 · 05/11/2024 09:32

Autumnweddingguest · 05/11/2024 09:01

It sounds like it may be a healthy instinct in reaction to how you have been treated/allowed yourself to be treated over the years. Sometimes we need to set very strong boundaries at first and then adjust them. In the brilliant Feel the Fear book, Jeffers talks about the pendulum swinging too far in the direction of 'selfish' at first, and this being a natural, normal and healthy reaction to years of behaving and being treated like a doormat.

What I am saying is, you may need to do this for a while, but keep open to the possibility that you might want to re-establish connections with people once you have new boundaries in place.

Another way to do it is the opposite. In tiny steps, build up the boundaries so subtly that no one spots you making them. That way you don't get labelled as mad and bad for your sudden and extreme reaction. You just start practising how to smile and say no, or 'I can't do/make that commitment' and feel no guilt for it. Another trick is to ask all the people who have been using you for help. Say you are exhausted and overstretched and could they just help you out.... They vanish like wisps of smoke and your time becomes your own again.

Edited

I love this !!
As in my earlier post !
I have cut ties with people and just recently slowly adjusting!
it’s done me the world of good and really learnt a lot about myself x

bamboosockmonster · 05/11/2024 09:35

I think you need to be a bit careful. Like yourself I often have the instinct to cut all people off and whilst it works great sometimes, I am not sure it's always 100% rational. It is much harder to make new friends than to keep old ones. That said I get the urge to do it but before you cut everyone off I would get some therapy and see what deeper stuff is going on. You might be projecting and not even realise it! Also all humans need contact - so if you do decide to cut everyone off make sure you have other contacts or some plans / groups to attend to make new ones so you are not even more isolated after.

Roryno · 05/11/2024 09:36

I went through some really tough times over the past few years. Many “good” friends weren’t there for me at all. I looked back and realised that I did all the running and organising in the friendships. I stopped. I thought I’d see how long it took before they noticed/did something. They still haven’t! I still speak and am pleasant if I meet them, but that’s all. It makes me feel a bit sad and lonely sometimes, but mostly not.

existentialpain · 05/11/2024 09:38

I understand. I went through the most awful times of my life with very little support so now I'm self-reliant and its more peaceful this way. It can get a little lonely especially when times are hard but then I always had to deal with it alone anyway.

It's not an easy choice but I completely understand why you would want to make it. Being let down by those you thought would support you as a hard place to be.

feelingrobbed · 05/11/2024 09:48

In the process of doing this and it feels great.

People who have treated me badly in childhood & continued to make me feel like shit in adulthood/ haven't apologised or acknowledged their behaviour are being cut off one by one.

Each time I cut contact with one, it's easier to do the next.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/11/2024 09:50

You don’t say how old you are, OP, and that may have some relevance (not meaning to be in any way patronising, just coming at this from an old bird’s perspective!).

It’s currently very fashionable to ‘go NC’ and ‘assert boundaries’, and in many instances it’s absolutely the right and healthy thing to do. But this is therapy language used to help people with trauma extricate themselves from bleak and damaging situations. Too often I see it thrown about in the most innocuous scenarios, where people are a bit pissed off with someone in their lives and don’t seem to realise what it actually entails.

Going NC is the nuclear option, and it isn’t easy. It’s exhausting and stressful and guilt-inducing and takes willpower and resilience. Shedding familial and lifelong ties is not just taking off a pair of old shoes, it’s walking on hot coals without them until you reach a place of peace with it.

I cut out a whole bunch of family about 15 years ago, and I can’t describe how much lighter, freer, happier and less complicated it made my life - like cutting the ropes on a rock I’d been dragging around. But at that point I’d had decades to evaluate those relationships and see them for what they were, which was exhausting and totally toxic.

Conversely, there was a time in my life when my sister hurt me very badly and fucked me off to the nth degree (and I almost certainly made her feel similar). At that point it would have been much easier to cut contact than to persevere and painfully rebuild our relationship, but on the deepest level we were both prepared to do that because our lives would be objectively worse without each other. There is a lot of value in knowing someone intimately for a lifetime.

All relationships go through arcs and ups and downs over years; most will have periods when people annoy or upset us or feel more distant. Before you cut ties, think about what your life will look like and who will be in it in 20 years, and make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Good luck either way!

C152 · 05/11/2024 10:33

So why don't you, OP? There's nothing wrong with wanting to start afresh. Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. Clinging on to people that have served their purpose (sorry to be blunt, but we all use people for different reasons) isn't something you have to do. Do you have children? If not, there's nothing stopping you from upping sticks and moving somewhere else, meeting new people, experiencing new things etc. It sounds very exciting. Don't feel you have to stay stuck where you are, if it's not making you happy. Think about the things you would regret not doing if the option were suddenly taken away from you, and do at least some of them now.

Mysticguru · 05/11/2024 12:27

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/11/2024 08:59

It depends what you mean. If you mean AIBU to cut off toxic friendships and family ties which have held you back then no, you are far better off without them.

If you mean AIBU to seek to live like a virtual hermit with minimal contact with anyone then no I don’t recommend it. Lots of people will be along shortly to tell you that friends are overrated and cause “too much drama” but that’s a topical and fashionable thing at the moment. All the evidence is that people with support networks tend to be happier and healthier than those without.

I disagree but I'm happy to review the evidence when you produce it.

Mysticguru · 05/11/2024 12:28

What happens if you have no expectations of people OP? People can still be in your life but you have a different mindset.

SkylarkDay · 05/11/2024 12:42

I had some pretty toxic and draining people in my life, mainly childhood family as it was very dysfunctional. This led to me being a people pleaser and emotional caregiver which drained me totally, and often attracted the wrong type of friends. One friend who is a counsellor and a lovely man who supported me during one burnout, gave me a very simple solution, look at each relationship (friend or family) and see if it’s nourishing & positive to your wellbeing. If it’s not you should consider whether to continue the relationship, if it’s detrimental you definitely shouldn’t continue. This helped me enormously and I have now weeded out all the people (and family) who simply drained and took, yet never asked how I was. I also now just have special people who have supported me in times of need, and I am happy to support them in return. The above is one of the best bits of advice I’ve ever been given.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 05/11/2024 12:53

I did it, op.

My family don't love me. I won't list all the shit I went through but it was bad. Had no friends and my baby was under a year old.

So I cut ties with everyone and have stuck to it.

I was also really poorly. It was hard as it was just me and my baby. But it was the best thing I ever did. But i have no regrets at all, and now it's been a few years. Things aren't perfect and life isnt perfect but I'm doing better and I know I make the right choice

I even let myself have little moments of happiness. Not too much as I've survived too much to truly let go of anxiety 😄

Go for it! Some people just don't love you, and no matter what you do, they just won't. It's OK, it happens. It's OK to move on and focus on you x

unmemorableusername · 05/11/2024 13:01

Be more specific.

Evaluate each relationship separately

You maybe are being taken for granted/too much of a people pleaser/ don't say no/ lack boundaries.

It's fine to work on all that.

Lytlethings · 05/11/2024 13:02

I think that if you don’t do it you will regret it later. They will continue to drag you down. The mechanics of actually doing it are something else. You need to sit down quietly and make a plan tailor made for each individual. Work out exactly what the no contact will look like. Is it going to be no or low contact.

Are you going to block them on email and phone or just gradually not respond in the way you used to? Are you going to discuss your reasons with them? How will you cope with the flying monkeys. Those that swoop in and want to find out what is going on.

Finally look at the end result. Is it going to make you happy or feel guilty. Sometimes we are own worst enemies riddled with self doubt. You seem like you have been very strong so far, but don’t underestimate the battle ahead.

I wish you well.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page