Help me out here

[NewMum0512]

Partner and I have now been together about 18 months. I am a “single” Mum who struggles financially and have big monthly bills like a mortgage etc.
My partner currently lives with me about 80% of the time but has never offered any financial contribution.
He earns £90k and has a maisonette with a tenant bringing in £750 a month.
In all fairness he does on occasion bring a few grocery items in, but this is very occasionally.
He does take me out once every 2/3 months I’d say but nowhere particularly fancy.
AITA for thinking he should make some sort of financial contribution?
I’m torn as I’d be paying all the bills whether he was here or not and it’s not like he’s a massive drain on hot water, electric etc. He’s also a bit odd in that he will take his washing home to do at his.
So as I say AITA in this situation?
If I’m not, why am I not?

Additional notes

I don’t expect him to pay anything towards my child.

He doesn’t really do anything around the house (housework wise) in place of a financial contribution for example.

He doesn’t want to move in as he wants to hang onto his place

We are 33 and 34

If he's living with you 80% of the time then yes he should be paying you something really. If he's not wanting to sell his place what is the plan for the future?

Hmm it's tricky as you would lose any benefits and sole council tax discount. I would ask him to top up the grocery shopping, maybe £40 a week, does that seem reasonable

He’s not daft is he? He’s staying with you only 80% of the time to get out of paying anything towards the bills so that he can say ‘I don’t live with you’.
I’d be telling him he has to cut back how often he is staying as you can’t afford him to be there.

So his exact response to the future was as follows (directly quoted) would really appreciate some input on this too:

“Like im just saying that I don't know what the future looks like

Anytime I put plans in place the opposite seems to happen

So I just want to do the best with what I have and see where it takes me”

The benefits team would consider this as living together full time. You only have to be considered a couple by others for them to officially see you as having a partner.

80% !!! Of course he should be contributing.

I bet you any money he gets his flatmate to pay more of the bills at home because he's "never there".

Its still an increase in bills, his phone charging, lights on for longer in rooms, heating on extra? Are you on a water meter? If so that will be an increase cost and as to the ‘occasional’ grocery shop I bet your food bill would go down a lot if he wasn’t there.

it all adds up

so either he coughs up something to cover it, or he stops staying at yours 80% of the time.

edited to say: having seen your update he’s not that interested in you, he’s just using you as somewhere to stay for free, so dump and move on would be my advice

Sounds like he wants to freeload. He’s living for free at the moment.

So you’re paying to feed him?

Of course he should be contributing financially and he should also be helping with house work. Sounds like he treats your house like hotel - lazy sod.

You should just have a nice breezy chat about how time flies and it appears he has been more of less living in your house so you need to have a little chat about contributing from this point onwards. Why should he be warm and clean in your house for free?

The taking his clothes home to wash is a pathetic act of trying to make out he doesn't use any of your resources.

If he brings up that he takes you out every 3 bloody months for a meal as payment I would be tempted to bin him instantly.

He sounds like a bit of a prick tbh op. He’s practically moved in with a single mum on a low income and contributes pretty much fuck all, financially or practically. He's got one foot out the door with the luxury of being able to do so with his massive income, none of which you’re seeing. He’s basically living the single life but with a sex slave/free cook/cleaner on tap. Him bringing his washing home is him laying the groundwork so he can use it as a defence if you ever pull him on the fact that he’s a lazy cocklodger, so he can use it to say to you that you dont actually have to go out of your way for him, which I’m sure isn’t true. I’d 100% be expecting him to pay for half the food shop plus a chunk of the bills on top. I know he shouldnt be finanically responsible for your child, but a good person would want to help make their partners life easier, when hes literally draining the small amount of resources you already have whilst hes living the life of riley. Sounds like he saw you coming

He may be unsure about the future Op but he's still being a user. 80% of the time at your place adds up to a lot of extra costs in food and water alone.A meal out every three months doesn't cover anything much and isn't he supposed to want to take you out now and then? It's one thing a man being keen to live with you a bit too soon and then there's a man who wants a GF who pays for him to live. You know what you need to do Op

he should definitely be contributing something. It sounds like you’re actively paying to fund his food (taking you out occasionally and the odd bit of grocery shopping doesn’t add up to 80% of food he eats!).

And in mid 30s after being together 18 months and living together 80% of the time, I’d expect him to be a bit less obtuse about future plans. Presumably he likes staying at yours because you do everything (of course because it’s “your” house) but he gets to live flat mate free. His tenant probably loves it too.

Honestly, I think he’s being unfair and isn’t the one for you. I’d try and reduce the amount he stays over and make it more of a dating relationship again if you aren’t ready to break up. He can’t have it living together when it suits him but “we are living apart”when it comes to paying for things! His response to that will speak volumes imo.

So he earns more and is holding onto most of it. Taking you out every few months and buying an occasional few groceries? Nope. You have yourself a cocklodger there. How very unappealing. Whilst you think it’s not costing you more, try seeing him less and see how much more you have.

This way, he gets to have his cake and eat it

I suggest you tell him that you can't afford to continue to pay for all the food, so if he wants to carry on visiting 80% then you'd appreciate a payment. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. Hint - anything other than "yes sure, good idea, how much were you thinking of?" is a sign that he's taking advantage of you

He’s keeping his options open OP and isn’t committed to this relationship. You need to put some space between you protect yourself and your child. I would be asking him to stay less rather than contribute to the household bills.

"So I just want to do the best with what I have and see where it takes me”

He's doing his best to live off what YOU have with as little cost to himself as possible.

I'd chuck this prince back under the rock he emerged from.

Congratulations, you have won a cocklodger.

If you do not wish to accept this prize, tell it to fuck off.

Just for context Op - dh's "mate" stayed with us for 8 weeks last year whilst waiting for his new place to be ready. Double the expected time. (Dh, yeah yeah of course you can stay a few weeks, no problem. He stupidly didn't ask for anything & tight arse didn't offer). Extra food & electric cost us over £500.
You will be amazed how much he is costing you.

He sounds awful - and he only takes you out once every 2-3 months? What's the point? It's not uch of a honeymoon period, is it?

It will only get worse from hereon in. If you want to be with a man as generous as you, you have to pick a man as generous as you, not try to get blood out of this stone. He's a chancer and a miser.

How are you getting on now op?

He needs to pay towards groceries and utilities. Tell him he's not pulling his weight, you can't afford it, and feel taken advantage of. It's crazy he's not even covering his food costs.