Am I the crazy one? Is it all me?

[ONanotherplanetinTime]

I am really sorry, this is a long one, and I realise most won't make their way through it.

Dm and I have never been that close. I always felt she favoured my sibling over me, always loved him better. Growing up I felt like the daughter she didn't want, wasn't enough because I am more like my Dad and not like her, and felt she was cold and unloving.

My Dad died, they were divorced. This has been a struggle because I am left with dm and sibling who are a like, and will constantly criticise me, have little chats behind my back because they're apparently "concerned" about me.

After being estranged for 5 years, my sibling came back into my life, after being angry over something very petty. He never reached out, never met my dcs until recently; they're 5, and 6 (the first one he did a handful of times when she was 1). I sent him through the birth announcement for my second, he never asked how the baby was, to meet him, despite the fact he was in special care, it was was a very traumatic high risk birth, not a message in the whole time to even ask how we were.

Sibling has barged back into my life since df died, 0-100, expecting to see us on very occasion, lots of gifts, acting like nothing happened, wanting disney moments (or so it feels) and like he has the right to be an instant full on uncle. He thought mu youngest was two years younger than he is.

It has made me uncomfortable. I have dropped lots of hints, but he has disrespected my boundaries, and is minimising, and refusing to take any accountability. Now I am coming out of the other side of the grief I have asked him for a conversation to deal with the past, in order to move on. He has dismissed my messages, and feelings and bluntly said it wasn't needed from his end, and that I have upset him!

Dm has said she is in the middle but blatantly on his side. She has validated his, and her feelings, yet completely dismissed mine. Apparently he was "heartbroken" that he couldn't come over one day years ago, the story was petty and twisted with an inaccurate version of events from his end which of course dm believes. I have been told "to just let it go."
What he has done to me, not acknowledging my dcs, no cards, no how are they, no contact at all, nothing for 5 years I am supposed to not speak about and sweep it. Dm said because I have let him back into my life (in a vulnerable moment when I was grieving), I need to leave it in the past.

Since being back in touch I have seen signs from sibling that remind me of why we fell out in the first place. We are different people, with very different lives, he hasn't changed and it is still his way or the highway.

I have told dm I am happier without my sibling, and very low contact is the best we can hope for. She has ranted and raved at me of how upset she is, how do I think it is for her, sibling is upset, they think it is my health why I am being this way. They are making g me out to be unstable, which is a common theme when sibling doesn't get his own. Sibling is very manipulative, and unfortunately dm is easily manipulated by him, and manipulative herself.

Sibling has had staff complain about him at work, reducing one lady to tears, dm has said "he doesn't mean it, it is just the way he is", in response to this, yet she hauls me over the coal for tiny things. Sibling has a nice side, but this other part of him is too much hard work, and not what I want to deal with.

Dm has said she won't accept it, and that she wants me to air it all out, and to patch things up. I have already done this, and sibling doesn't want to know, takes no accountability, puts it back on me, and says things like "you know (insert name) you could have reached out. "I" was very upset.' It comes across so patronising. I have calming explained everything to him and has it dismissed. I even apologised for the petty stuff that didn't happen in the way he made out, and still no accountability for any of his behaviour and absence for the years. I'm expected to sweep it under the rug.

I have been told by dm that I am isolating myself because I don't want to have a close relationship with this one person. I have dh, my kids and friends, but I have been told by her, "When I die you have nobody, is this what you want? What does your dh think of this?" Dm has said she could be dead tomorrow and wants her last couple of years to be happy ones. She is 69.

I feel guilr tripped, and have told dm how I feel in as nice of a way possible, but it is all about him, my feelings arent validated in any shape or form. We go around in circles.

What do I do here?

Sorry about any typos, the edit function expired!

Have a read of "But we took you to stately homes " it's a thread that will help you immensely, I don't know how to link it, sorry.

I have a brother who sounds very similar to yours. I have nothing to do with him. The peace that having no contact with him brought is indescribable. I no longer walk on eggshells or worry about what will set him off next.
Stop trying to explain or appease him, block him and ignore. If your mum doesn't like it do the same to her.

Your DB is the Golden child so your DM will always take his side. Now your DF has passed he's realised once your DM has gone you'll be his only family. It's up to you if you want to forgive and forget Op, not your DM.

You sound way too involved with both your mother and your sibling. It’s entirely your choice whether, and to what extent, you engage with either of them, and neither get to approve or disapprove your choices.

Hi OP,
Very similar situation here with my sister.
I am exceptionally low contact (by this I mean I literally do not contact her at all, I have simply 'run into her' at a couple of extended family events) for the past 2 years. My mother has sided with her and as a result I have a very strained relationship with her, but ultimately I am much happier and less stressed without my sister in my life. Do what is best for your own wellbeing.

Thank you, it is like your state of happiness is a give away isn't it? You know what is best for yourself. If somebody was to meet db, they might like him at first, but then his true colours begin to emerge, and the not respecting boundaries, unsolicited advice, winging about little things behind my back, and treating me like a child. It feels like he needs me in his life alot more than I need him. I realise I was happier before. Dm only cares on what makes her happy, completely disregarding my feelings, and that I don't want a relationship.

Df, before he died was devastated at the way db spoke to him, always telling him what to do. When df was over weight he was overhauling his diet, when dc became over weight df was too thin. He is now commenting on me being thin, my bmi is 22.

Thank you, it is awful isn't it? Honestly I feel like I'm being head screwed, they have made me feel like I'm going crazy. Dh has had to look at it, other people have, because they make me doubt myself. Dm exclaimed "I do not accept this." How is it her decision if I speak to my sibling or not. She ironically is somebody who has fell out with multiple people over the years and is now no contact with one of her sisters. That is apparently "okay, because her sister is toxic" in dm's words.

Thank you, this is what I was thinking too, he is very fixated on the original family. He has his partner who is lovely, soft natured, and if he was my brother there would be no issues. I fear he will leave him eventually if he starts to invalidate his feelings the way he tends to do with everybody.
I am happy with dh and the kids, and my life that I have had for 5 years without db. I don't know why dm cannot just accept this, I have tried and it hasn't worked, I have still felt I was walking on eggshells around him.

I forgot to mention as well, I don't wish to go no contact with dm. She has a good relationship with my kids, and I would never destroy that. I think the relationship between her, and I will just be a bit more surface than it already it. I won't be sharing anything serious.

I think you are giving your DM far too much power here. This is your life and these are your decisions to make. Sounds like you have tried to explain yourself and if they choose not to listen then that's on them.

I would be keeping brother at arms length, only communicate/visit when YOU want to and feel able to. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel guilty about it either, until he will have a reasonable discussion with you and take accountability there is nothing you can do.

You can continue your relationship with your DM with a boundary in place, she is not to speak to you about your brother - it is up to you and him to sort out, or not, and you will no longer discuss it with her.

Of course you don't have to see your sibling if you don't want to. I think it's a bit unfair to be angry at them for not contacting you when you were estranged as I think this would have been unwelcome from what you are saying. I think you just need to decide what you are comfortable and stick with it, there's not much more to be said.

No, it was welcome, I reached out after my second birth. He didn't come to see us, ask how he was, knowing he was in special care. This was all because of petty reasons, and the fact at that point in his life he didn't need me. Now he seems to, and it is too late. I don't enjoy his company for fear of his pettiness when he doesn't get his own way. It is too much drama.

Thank you, that is the thing, it is impossible to have a low contact relationship with db, because he doesn't respect boundaries. If we weren't related we wouldn't be friends. At this point in my life I am happier without him.

You have not very nice blood relatives. Concentrate on the person you chose, your OH, and your children. Just don’t get involved with stuff that is clearly contributing nothing to your life. Doesn’t have to be a big bust up, just don’t answer any kind of contacts, just brush over any requests to meet, chat, discuss. No need for drama, just politely and quietly make it obvious that you have other priorities and leave them to stew in their own nest. Politely ignoring is far more effective than throwing a strop, it tells them you are on top of things, they are not stressing you, your life is better away from them.

Here is the link to the Stately Homes thread a PP mentioned OP, please do join, you will find all the understanding, validation and advice you need there. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5178966-october-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

I honestly think there’s a story that’s somewhere in the mid of how you and your family perceive things to have happened- you wanted him to be there more when your kids were both young, which happens, work and life get in the way, the time passes, and we don’t always make time for those we should, then he jumped in, possibly trying to make up for lost time and you found it too much (rightly so as you were hurt). No help but as someone who perceived things one way when there was a huge rift, and figured it out later that I’d TOTALLY the wrong end of the stick, just try and go easy on yourself and your family

Thank you, I didn't know how to sort of end it. I was thinking even a polite message would just offend him, and prompt a message back which I will find unproductive, stressful and deflecting. I just need to be free of the situation, and have come to realise after being in touch again that even despite the past, we are different people, and he makes me too anxious. I am just alot happier without the risk of him not respecting my boundaries. For instance he wanted to get the kids something for Christmas, I told him politely no, because it is something dh, and I do, a family tradition. Then I get a message saying "because they can't have two, and "no rule for uncle (insert name)", and a sad face. I find him exhausting. He is 41!

Maybe silence is the best way forward. Iam sure dm will have already filled him in on me not wanting the relationship.

Thank you, completely understand what you're saying. Unfortunately in this situation it was full no contact because he was in a huff over something very petty. This has been reaffirmed by dm, and him. Apparently it was all my fault, it always is.

Thank you for posting this, I am going to check it out now.

All or nothing - call him out and have it out with the both of them

Yep. Keep the drama out of it, it is that that will stress you. I hadn’t realised your Mum sees the little ones, but that’s fine, again just be politely in control of things. Lots of families have a difficult person, for lots of different reasons, some far worse than others. He sounds like an element you don’t need.

Thank you, I think my dm takes any criticism of him as criticism of her for some reason. I have no idea if it is a form of guilt on his upbringing, he was rarely reprimanded as a child, I was for every little thing. He always got his own way. I don't know, but there's always one that is for sure! I don't know why they won't just let me be, I'm happy.

Just politely, quietly take back control. No drama, no arguments. You have the upper hand in your life, no one else. Good luck with it🙂

OP I think your DM and sibling sound like narcissists. Lots of attitudes and behaviours that are similar I feel your pain.

My sibling had a similar scenario with their wife. She couldn't take accountability for her actions and the impact her actions had on my sibling were big. In a nutshell she cheated multiple times on them started as online sexting with strangers but escalated to real life eventually- desires just not met.

My sibling found out about it and it messed them up, they lost confidence, became anxious and had lots of self doubt. Eventually I encouraged them to speak to their wife about it and she turned it on him. Didn't take any accountability and just through everything they did wrong back at them.

They've now divorced because they just couldnt take the mental torment of not having answers or accountability. Her DM begged my sibling not to leave because 'they would have nobody when they died' and basically tried to guilt trip because she was worried about their ex wife not being able to organise a funeral!!

Block, avoid do whatever you need to do to keep your peace and happiness.