To ask if anyone really knows you?

[Whatbecomesof]

Just that?
I don’t think anyone in my life knows me, not at all, not even the tiniest bit. I can’t decide if it’s comforting or scary that I can have had people in my life for 30 years of more as friends or family and still feel they don’t know me. Facts about me - yes. But they don’t actually know me, I feel completely removed from everyone most of the time.
Maybe I don’t really know anyone else either.

Is that how everyone is?

Oh dear, reading this makes me feel very un-mysterious. I’d say quite a few people know me pretty well. Most of my friends, and certainly all my close ones. Some of my family members.

I think the people who know us best are often our DC, as they’re watching us all the time and they see us the most unguarded.

eta: I think as I ease into middle age I’m a lot clearer about who I am, and accepting of what I’m not, and able to tolerate the thought that people can generally see what I’m like so there’s no point trying to hide it or dress it up.

I know exactly what you mean, still waiting to find the real me as I’ve always put everyone else first, planning on giving myself more time in the future!
How does it make you feel OP ?

If you read Goffman’s ‘Presentation of Self’ - his theory is that we are all actors in our own lives, slipping in and out of different roles unconsciously, depending on who we are with. And that the only time we are ever really our true selves is when we are ‘backstage’ - that is by ourselves, in our own space. And obviously no one else ever sees that. Therefore, no one really knows the true you, except you, and you don’t know the true anyone else either. His theory makes a lot of sense to me.

Me too. I read it at university and it really resonated.

My husband knows me better than anyone else. He really sees me. His love is liberating, it allows me to be myself in our relationship. We’ve been together since we were kids and I feel most at home in myself with him.

Beyond my husband, I think I’m a tough nut to crack. My own mum has often bemoaned how difficult it is to get close to me, as if I came into the world like that. 🤨

My daughter, she knows me very well but I wouldn’t want her to know everything about me, there are elements of my past and personality that I would never want to burden her with - I hope she sees the best of me though.

My grandparents have a very rose-tinted version of me just like when I was a little girl🥰 I’m very undeserving of it I’m sure but I can do no wrong in their eyes, it’s like being bathed in love.

No. Elements here and there -- but no one completely. My husband would know the most about me currently but I think is confused by me. My sister is most like me so probably understands me the most. My parents are interested but try and tie me to who I was in the past more than they should.

I currently try to be open and not to have secrets but I have passing thoughts I keep to myself because I know they are unkind and concerns that aren't worth worrying others with.

DH can predict with reasonable accuracy what I will do or what I think about some things with reasonable accuracy I would say. He knows me best but of course you can’t entirely know anyone.

My husband, my sisters, my brother and my children and my parents.

This is really interesting! I don't feel like this at all and can only conclude that I'm a massive over sharer.

I wish I'd kept a littl9e more to myself in retrospect.

Do the responses make you feel better OP

My husband and my middle dd are the only people I can truly be myself with.

No.
Not at all.

I feel totally removed from all around me too.

I survive though.

I believe that this is why suicide rates are so high.
You never know a person, but what seems to be said is how much everyone around them is so shocked.
Its because you don’t know a person. You can’t take off the top of their head and empty it all out, every thought, feeling, interpretation, all knowledge and all that they believe.
You only see a fraction.

There is a tendency for lots of people to only talk about themselves, so if your character is such that you don't readily offer up information, and you don't have decades of minor question responses to have built a picture, then it's natural that people have some big gaps in knowing who you are. Newer friends may seem to think they know you, but usually they only know one aspect of who you are, and remain oblivious to the rest of your history, character and dreams.

Many of my work colleagues probably know me better than school mums or neighbours, because the work connection means they ask a broader set of questions. One school mum I'd known for 3 years from nursery onwards, when I mentioned rushing from work. "Oh, I thought you were a stay at home mum." she said. 3 years! She's been to our house, we've been out for drinks, we've chatted most days etc etc etc. Yet she didn't know the most basic info. Not to mention that she won't know my age, where I'm from, my family, financial situation,... anything really.

There are people who truly know me know; DH, DS, and 3 very old friends (2 men I've known 20 years, 1 woman I've known over 30 years). They know a lot, and for whatever they don't know, I don't think anything about me would be surprising to them.

Nobody can know all of you

In psychology theres a tool called a Johari window, it separates who knows what about you, such as what is known by self and what is not known by self, what is known by others but known by you. Its quite fun to sit and do actually and a great start to talking.

The person that knows me best is my partner, but we have an incredibly open and honest relationship with the aim of knowing each other inside out

Known by others but not known by you i mean... lack of coffee lol

Surprised at the responses here. I honestly feel like I'm am open book. I can't think of many people that don't know me really. We have to do 360 degree feedback at work and it tends to be pretty accurate. People say I look disorganised and messy, but somehow manage to deliver everything, am nice, kind and diplomatic, but also quite capable, with firm boundaries and strong opinions . Everyone knows I get on brilliantly with my sister but less so with my mum, that my husband and kids are the lights of my life but fucking hard work due to adhd and (in my dh's case) ME, that i can't keep on top of the housework but dont flap if someone needs a fairly najor favour. I can't think there's much more to know and sometimes think I should be less open with people, but ultimately think fuck it, I'm me and am not perfect but am doing OK. What's secret about other people's lives?

At the same time I'm not really sure there is a fixed me. I used to be a total couch potato and hated any exercise, and loved reading. I'm a bit the opposite these days. And I used to be a bit more people pleasery than I am now but also quite firm tempered, I'd say I'm more chill overall now. So again, not sure exactly what there is to know, but certainly nothing hidden.

My partner knows me. The good, the bad, the big stuff to the smallest thoughts. I'm completely myself with him. Obviously it's impossible to tell anyone everything, but there is nothing I'd be unwilling to tell him. There is no one else I'm like that with though.

My children are older and know me well but there's a level of protectiveness I have towards them that means I wouldn't worry them with some things.

My friends know me quite well but there's always a bit of a mask with them.

People are deep.

I can’t say I know anyone, not even those I DO know, I don’t know them.

People you think you know can come at you with the most bizarre behaviour when cornered, behaviour that you would never expect from them.
Especially where there is money involved!

If you grew up with well rounded, emotionally mature parents who were open and honest with each other and with you, then you will grow up to be open and honest with others that are close to you.

If however you grew up with emotionally immature parents and you suffered abuse or neglect, resulting in trauma then you are likely to suffer from fear and shame.
This results in you hiding large parts of your life from others for fear of rejection.
Indeed, many people hide large parts of their 'true self' from themselves as they felt that the only way to fit in and be acceptable was to mask as a personality they felt others would like.
This denial of their true authentic self can cause a lot of pain in mind and body.

I think my two closest friends know me. They’ve been in my life for 20 years and have been there for everything.

Others know me at surface level.

Bluntly, that sounds like a ‘you’ issue, OP. Obviously no one knows anyone as the person knows themselves, but therapy has also taught me that, despite me thinking self-knowledge was one of my strengths, there is a lot I still don’t know about myself (mostly down to coping mechanisms arrived at during a difficult childhood, which have an ongoing negative impact), and there have been times when friends or DH have seen something in me before I’ve seen it myself.

There are a lot of flux/chameleon-type qualities in a personality, in that different situations call up different aspects of ourselves, but you are the common denominator in all your relationships. If you aren’t able or don’t want to be known, there’s little other people can do with that.

I present different parts of me to different people. I'm an introvert, an empath and I was brought up to be kind, polite and caring about the welfare of others less fortunate than ourselves.
I believe that I can "read" people pretty well: consequently, I respond to people in a way that will keep me, my family and my animals safe from any harms that might befall us.

I don't think anyone does any more. My late OH did, but he is gone. Everyone thinks they know a different me depending on what face they see. No-one, absolutely no-one, knows the empty hole inside me.

My oldest friend knows me better than anyone else, even if she doesn't know the ins and outs of my day to day life. My DH has a habit of concentrating on my faults ( of which I have many ! ) so I know what he thinks he knows about me.

When people say that they know their husband/wife/partner inside out, I don’t believe them. Especially when said partner does something wholly out of character. No one knows those thoughts that lie in the depths of your soul, that you rarely bring to the fore and examine.

I agree completely about the three personalities.