Cousin tagging along

[ChelseaRay]

My friend (F) is really close to her cousin (M). So much so that they not only live together but also work together at the family business. The cousin is a nice person but not really my 'type' friend-wise as he's quite grumpy and we don't have much in common so I find conversation with him quite boring. I meet up with my friend about once a month and the cousin asks if they can tag along every time. Would I be unreasonable to politely suggest that I don't want the cousin to join us every time? I wouldn't mind them joining sporadically but I find myself not wanting to meet up with my friend because the cousin is always there and I find him quite tedious. There is nothing wrong with the cousin but I just don't enjoy his company. I suspect I am not being unreasonable but I'm struggling with polite ways to communicate that I don't want the cousin there. Am I just being mean and for the sake of once a month, should I just put up with him? I will add that I'm sure the cousin has no idea of my true feelings towards him as I am always polite and engage in conversation. I don't want to damage my relationship with my friend or hurt the cousin's feelings as we live in a small village and bump into each other quite often.

When you text your friend, does she say "Can cousin come?" or is it just assumed ?

If you are asked, then just say "Not this time, I want to catch up just me and Jane"

If it is that he is just putting his coat on when you pick her up, try subtle things like "Oh, are you going somewhere too? Do you want us to drop you off somewhere?"

Or maybe see if your friend wants to come to something ticketed, and only get yourselves 2 tickets?

Or maybe you have to resort to being blunt - "Don't you have any friends of your own?"

Thank you for the suggestions. My friend almost always asks if the cousin can come so I suppose the answer is that I just need to be more assertive and say it would be nice to spend time with just my friend rather than pretending I'm happy for him to come along. I do know that it's specifically the cousin who is asking to come as my friend has often said 'John has asked if he can come too'. I've tried the ticketed thing before but he found a loophole! They were tickets to a standing gig and he ended up buying his own ticket! (after asking if he could join admittedly). His constant tagging along has been a fairly recent thing and I'm not sure what's triggered it. Cousin does have his own friends and goes out quite often with them so I don't think it's a case of being lonely. I'll try and get some courage together to be more assertive going forward. My main concern is that I don't want to come across as mean as the cousin is a nice person and I'd hate to hurt his feelings.

Are you single? Is there any chance he is interested in you?

Yes, I'm single but I don't get those vibes from him. I've known him years too so I'm not sure why he'd suddenly be interested. I suppose you can't completely discount that could be a possibility... one to think about. I certainly have given no indications I'd be open to that sort of thing though.

Sttanger things have happened.

Could be that as he's miserable he doesn't have many friends and enjoys your company.

Maybe you say to your friend something along the lines of "I thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of us this time" or "Do you feel like the two of us doing X?".

I think I'd probably gently ask her whether there's a reason he wants to come each time you get together and then take it from there.

Thank you, those are good suggestions. I do want to handle this with kindness as I don't know what he may be struggling with and as I've said, he's not a bad person.

Suggest a girly lunch. Clearly he's not invited to that and you aren't being rude...

If i was the friend and was asked to have a girly lunch I would actually not really acknowledge the term as I would be a bit confused what a "girly lunch" consisted of. I would just focus on the lunch part so it wouldn't stop me bringing my cousin. What is the difference between a girly lunch and lunch? Is it just the gender of the people at the table or more than that?

Book afternoon tea for the 2 of you or suggest a girls spa day?

I'm not sure why you would find the idea of a female only lunch confusing.

The cousin being there changes the dynamic, so the suggestion of a girly lunch just means that - just the OP and her friend, minus the cousin.

Don't be so obtuse. It would be clearly obvious that it was intended to he a female only thing and the male cousin was not invited.

It's not a term I would use but I have the intelligence to work out what someone else would mean if they said it.

OP, its fine to say you want to meet up with her alone. Absolutely fine.

Really ?

Do you struggle to understand a lot of things in life ?

A girly lunch isn't really a difficult concept to grasp.