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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being upset?

27 replies

Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:33

My in laws often look after my 22 month old son when he's poorly as me and my husband work full time. They have two grand children and the other one has two parents who can work around their childcare needs. My in laws live about 1 mile away and don't really do anything but sit at home and watch TV.

My parents have five grandchildren and live 15 miles away. They spread their time between the grandchildren. They have busy lives despite being retired and often have to do things for my niece who is very poorly with epilepsy.

My father in law and brother in law have moaned to my husband that my parents don't do anything for my son. They do what they can but have lives. He's my responsibility and I feel guilty as sin that I can't afford to be a stay at home mum. Am I wrong for being really upset and angry?

OP posts:
TinyBlueHoe · 03/11/2024 20:38

It's just their opinion, ignore it and don't let it bother you.

Pancakeflipper · 03/11/2024 20:44

Ignore. They might have been feeling grumpy/put upon/don't fully understand your parents situation.

Anyone willing to look after a poorly child (and happy to catch the germs) is IMO rather wonderful.

BackForABit · 03/11/2024 20:46

Ignore it but you are being judgemental about how they choose to spend their time. Their leisure choices are irrelevant to this.

Pottedpalm · 03/11/2024 20:47

If they are good enough to mind your sick child you should be bloody grateful.

Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:50

BackForABit · 03/11/2024 20:46

Ignore it but you are being judgemental about how they choose to spend their time. Their leisure choices are irrelevant to this.

I never said I had an issue with them staying home and watching tv. God I'd love my life to be like that when I'm retired. It came across wrong. I just meant they've chosen a different lifestyle to my parents

Yes I am bloody grateful which is why I've not said anything to them. I guess it's just bringing to the surface the guilt I feel that I can't look after my sick son

OP posts:
TinyBlueHoe · 03/11/2024 20:52

BackForABit · 03/11/2024 20:46

Ignore it but you are being judgemental about how they choose to spend their time. Their leisure choices are irrelevant to this.

Where was the OP judgemental? She was just describing.

DoreenonTill8 · 03/11/2024 20:54

My parents have five grandchildren and live 15 miles away. They spread their time between the grandchildren
So they do look after your dc to, or is it all the dgc but yours? Otherwise their statement My father in law and brother in law have moaned to my husband that my parents don't do anything for my son. is bollocks.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 03/11/2024 20:55

Yes, actually.

My in laws live about 1 mile away and don't really do anything but sit at home and watch TV.

This gives it away. You think their time is less important than your parents because they spend it watching TV. So what if that's what they want to do, they're retired.

Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:56

Yes they do look after him too. They just can't devote as much time as my in laws

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:57

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 03/11/2024 20:55

Yes, actually.

My in laws live about 1 mile away and don't really do anything but sit at home and watch TV.

This gives it away. You think their time is less important than your parents because they spend it watching TV. So what if that's what they want to do, they're retired.

You're missing my point. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything about what either do with their time. My point is they have to spread their time across five grandchildren!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:58

I should add that my mother in law says she loves having him and always volunteers first to look after him. She's lovely. She says it's no bother and it makes sense as they are so much closer.

It's my brother and father in law that have the issue

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 03/11/2024 20:59

They do sound a bit resentful . How often is your son sick that need to look after him? Surely it's only a day here and there?

SophiaJ8 · 03/11/2024 20:59

Sounds like they’re getting fed up of being the default sick child care. Maybe they didn’t realise it would always fall to them.

Definitely don’t think you should be angry. They are doing you a massive favour.

Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 20:59

lizzyBennet08 · 03/11/2024 20:59

They do sound a bit resentful . How often is your son sick that need to look after him? Surely it's only a day here and there?

Sadly it's been basically every other week since the start of October. He's getting everything! 🙄

OP posts:
BackForABit · 03/11/2024 20:59

TinyBlueHoe · 03/11/2024 20:52

Where was the OP judgemental? She was just describing.

Show quote history

Imo contrasting "don't really do anything but sit at home and watch TV" with the "busy lives" of her parents can only have been added to make a point/ value judgment otherwise it's completely irrelevant surely?

Is the point that the in-laws should look after child more because their time spent watching tv isn't valuable?

Just the impression I got. It's a thought I've been guilty of myself with other people but I try to catch myself.

Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 21:00

SophiaJ8 · 03/11/2024 20:59

Sounds like they’re getting fed up of being the default sick child care. Maybe they didn’t realise it would always fall to them.

Definitely don’t think you should be angry. They are doing you a massive favour.

True. I think I'm more upset and guilt ridden tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 21:01

There probably was some unconscious judgment there BackForBit. But I didn't mean that as part of why I was upset. I think I should have left that bit out

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 03/11/2024 21:02

I think saying "they have lives" about your parents kind of infers that your in laws don't so should do more.

At the end of the day it's frustrating if there's a disconnect between what your mother in law and father in law want and you're getting stuck in the middle.

Coconutter24 · 03/11/2024 21:02

YABU for the reason you sound entitled. You’re not entitled to any help so it’s lovely that they do help you. Just because they have less grandchildren and live closer it doesn’t mean they have to help or should help out more. You say your grateful for their help so I think you need to try get over the guilt you can’t stay at home but also need to remember you and your DH are the parents so it’s your responsibility to look after your DS, you are very fortunate for their help because how would it work if they took away all childcare?

StormingNorman · 03/11/2024 21:04

Maybe FIL doesn’t want to spend as much time on childcare as MIL does and he’s been moaning to BIL. Would MIL look after your DC solo on the odd occasion?

Maria1979 · 03/11/2024 21:11

Tell FIL that you would love to be a sahm. Is he planning to help you out financially since he tells you that you ought to stay at home? If not... I would just ignore them. Mil is doing the work while they are watching tv, they're probably miffed she isn't bringing their trays with food on time..

KoalaCalledKevin · 03/11/2024 21:11

SophiaJ8 · 03/11/2024 20:59

Sounds like they’re getting fed up of being the default sick child care. Maybe they didn’t realise it would always fall to them.

Definitely don’t think you should be angry. They are doing you a massive favour.

But their issue should surely be with OP and her husband? Not the other grandparents.

If they're doing more than they really want to, they should say no. What the other grandparents do isn't really relevant.

Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 21:19

StormingNorman · 03/11/2024 21:04

Maybe FIL doesn’t want to spend as much time on childcare as MIL does and he’s been moaning to BIL. Would MIL look after your DC solo on the odd occasion?

Yes that sounds about right

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennielouises · 03/11/2024 21:20

Yes KoalaCalledKevin. I think that's it. Why say they can do it and then moan

Anyway, it's all just how I'm feeling internally I think

OP posts:
SleepToad · 03/11/2024 21:32

I don't get why his parents are the bad guys here. They look after their sick grandchild when asked.

Yet the op thinks they don't do anything with their time but watch tv...her parents lives are so much more important that they couldn't be asked to look after the sick child.

The op feels guilty about not being around for her sick child. Fair enough. Do what people without on tap child care do, take leave and look after the child. I bet the op is going to have a nice long Xmas holiday using annual leave to enjoy the good times with the little one.

Op you or your husband should take some time off to look after the child at least once...if course your pil are feeling put upon...they are being.