To expect kids to be ready on time

[rainbow9713]

So for a couple of years I took my friends children to school with mine. Since the return in September I have put in the boundary of if they are ready on time I will take them.

Before I said this I would literally walk into chaos, mom shouting still doing lunchboxes, kids still putting on items of clothing nevermind shoes.

I have 2 kids who 'need' to be on time and we're getting just as fed up as me waiting for another household. The mom suggested I arrive 10 minutes earlier which I'm not going to lie I refused, as I'm already running around myself in my own house to be on time. And I can't be rushing even more to come and play ringmaster in her circus.

Her oldest now at secondary so a different school doesn't want to go alone, which does put the mom in a bit of a predicament...... so basically although I know I can't go back to that level of chaos (I have took her kids along with us twice since September as they haven't been ready on time the other times), AIBU to stick to my guns of I will only take your children to school if they are ready to walk out of the door at agreed time

Not at all unreasonable.

Why did she suggest you arriving 10 mins earlier - was she hoping you'd help get them ready?

I would make it clear to her that either they start being on time or you will stop taking them.

I take my nephews to school with DS. They know they have to be ready 5 minutes before I arrive so they can get straight in the car, I won’t be waiting around.

Sorry, why have you been taking her kids to school, op? So she can go with the older one?

You're not unreasonable at all

I think the 10 mins earlier was to be a prompt for them to hurry up. And I have now made it clear that if they aren't ready I'm not waiting.
Which part of me feels guilty about, but we are both single parents and all my suggestions of maybe making her mornings run smoother, ie waking up half an hour before she has to wake kids so she can do what she needs to do then have time to prompt kids as needed, is always met with excuses.
I actually haven't felt guilty until the other day when she said she's going to have to send the older on the bus alone, and said the younger 2 asked if they're coming to school with us on Monday. She said she told them I will take them as they are dressed or not......... which I responded I actually wouldn't and I didn't realise how much having to wait around every morning p**d me off until I stopped doing it.

And for me it's because I have my day set in my head, I am neurodiverse so I don't know if that's the problem. But when I have things to do and times I need to do them by in my head, when that is put behind it can really throw me for the remainder of the day.

I work until 8pm 3 evenings a week, and she does help out by dropping mine to my mom's after school alot of the time on these days as my mom is on the way home. Although my mom has no issue picking them up, it's usually friend who messages my mom saying she will drop them on way home.
And I genuinely don't mind taking extras who are all going to the same place, I think I just got to breaking point and thinking that there is just no consideration for the rest of my households day, that was being impacted on their lack of consideration for other people's time

You are not the problem

Unless the other mum has some sort of disability or illness you haven't mentioned then she is absolutely taking the piss. She should have offered to take turns etc but she's just relying on you. She has no interest in getting her children ready to make your life easier when you are helping her out. Do you knock for her children everyday? Are they supposed to turn up at yours? Either way I'd stop doing it. The older child will need to go alone and mum needs to deal with the natural consequences of her previous behaviour.

This why I happily given various kids lifts home after school (they are never late then) but am never, ever available to take other people”s kids in the morning.

I don't go round anymore, we have keys for eachothers houses so I used to go round and wait. Although now if she hasn't messaged me by the time we leave and no children have turned up we just go

She is a good friend and I love her dearly....... after school drop off time. And i think because I have stopped waiting it's the massive realisation of how much it affected me. And I know on the grand scheme of life it's a small issue. But I realised I cannot start my days like that.

I do wake up before I have to wake my kids up (although my oldest is suspected ADHD so up before the cuckoo birds 🤣), so pets are fed, lunchboxes are done and I am dressed before I have to make sure kids are doing what they are supposed to.

And I know everyone's routine is different so don't want to force mine onto others, she clearly needs help managing the mornings, but I genuinely don't feel equipped to have to get 2 households ready of a school morning

You are not being unreasonable, there are so many ways to cut down on morning chaos and doing lunch the night before is definitely on the list ! You said the older child is now at secondary so how come you have been doing this for years ?

Good on you OP. I wish others did the same.

Absolutely no way would I do this. If you leave at 8.30 and her kids aren't there then just go. You set the rule ans she sticks with it or the offer is off the table. There is no way I would be getting my kids ready and organised and then going around and getting my friends kids sorted too because she is too lazy to get up 20 mins earlier to ensure they are ready. Absolutely no way.

It just naturally happened seemed pointless with both of us going of a morning to the same place, and as I'm not available for pick ups 3 times a week we just naturally got into that flow.

And I don't want something so little to ruin a friendship, that's why I felt it best to be completely honest with her about why I have put the no waiting boundary in place.
Which she hadn't mentioned until the other day, as now her car is off the road she knows she has no chance of getting all kids to school at a reasonable time. Oldest child is struggling with secondary transition and bullying, so there is an agreement with the school they can go in slightly later, so I do think she was hoping I would say I don't mind taking the smaller ones again......... which I did say I don't mind, but they do need to be ready on time. I don't drive at all, so all school runs are public transport, which is another major factor for me about being on time

And you're not even driving?!!! You are so not being unreasonable op, you sound like a decent friend

I don't think you'll ruin your friendship as long as you stick to your work, she'll get the message x

Thank you everyone for your replies, they have helped me feel like I am not being selfish by keeping that boundary in place.

I do hope my friend finds a way to help school mornings run smoother in her house, then I will have no issues taking extras along with mine if we can all leave on time.

I gave lifts to a child, but made it crystal clear to the parents that I would drive to the house and expect him to be standing on the doorstep waiting for me. If he wasn't there I would drive on past. I only had to go without him once. He was never late again. Just be clear with the mother.

Cheeky fucker people can't stand it! I don't drop people's kids off for this exact reason, it's a nightmare!

four primary school children on a morning bus?😲
I assumed you were driving initially.
Brave woman
the very thought would have me diving under the duvet.
Can't believe your friend is being so unreasonable.

Stick to your guns 100%

This is how we stay on track in the mornings! But I understand that she's not listening to suggestions so could be pointless!!

Agreed
I can't believe she suggested you came early. How cheeky. She needs to be more organised.

You need to have words with the kids themselves. They shouldn't have to be told to get their bags etc by their Mum. Tell the kids they need to be ready or you can't bring them anymore and I'll be they'll change their ways. They clearly don't care if their Mum is stressed out so no point in repeatedly telling her.