Grandpa's funeral abroad - should I go?

[Butterfly123456]

We've just returned from holidays abroad (I live in UK) and I got a call that my grandpa died suddenly in my home country (another country in Europe). The funeral is on Tuesday and the number of flights available is very limited (end of half-term, etc.). I do not have any days of leave left, and I have 2 kids in the primary school. My younger one (DS4) is very attached to me. Last year when I had a family emergency and left him with DH for 2 days, he cried the whole day in the nursery and got fever. He was inconsolable for the whole time. That's why my DH suggested I'd better take him with me, but it would mean 5 days off school as the next feasable return flight that I could manage with him is only on Saturday. I really don't know what to do (I don't really want to go) and I need to make the decision today!

What to do?

1. Travel alone tomorrow, return early Wednesday (that involves 3h train journey the previous evening + whole night spent at the airport as the flight is at 6am).
2. Take DS with me and return on Saturday (airport nearby).
3. Stay at home.

I don't really want to go, but the family will be livid.... help!

AIBU to go or not?

If you don't want to go don't go. Could you develop a nasty cough?

Off you don’t have annual leave left and your employer said no to additional annual leave, then your family would have to be annoyed with your employer, not you.

Were you close to your grandpa? If you were in any way close I would try to go, it would feel wrong not to. But if you’re only going to keep the peace then don’t.

Might be easier to make an excuse though - a positive Covid test might be opportune…

I've tested positive (cough, cough) twice for covid this year, to avoid funerals without causing offence . Foolproof!

It sounds like you are asking permission not to go. Tbh the logistics sound a nightmare. I wouldn’t want to take a young kid on my own to Europe to a funeral. Don’t go.

When you have young kids it's perfectly acceptable to not be able to make some of these things.

However if you do go, go alone.

I think you're probably best off not going at all but your husbands suggestion to take your son is a bit much. Just because he struggled a year ago when he was ill, that isn't reason for you to never be parted again.

I'd go and take DS - missing school at age 4 is hardly going to be a problem. If you don't go you may regret it. Were you close to your GF?

I would leave the children with your DH and go.

2 - go with your DS. A grandparent’s funeral is important, regardless of how close you were. Your family need you. Missing a week of school for a 4 year old is not a big deal.

You have no days of annual leave left and flights to your home country are not frequent by the sounds of it. So you don't actually have the option to go.

I would arrange for funeral flowers to be sent if that's appropriate and a sympathy card to anyone who should get one (grandmother?) to show that you are considering them and not "just not bothering". They might still be annoyed but you can't change that.

Obviously if you could go and just didn't want to, that would still be your choice. But for now, you genuinely can't. Flights aren't feasible, AL isn't available. Such a shame.

Sounds as if your son was crying for you be cause he was ill- missing his mum while being consoled by dad would not give a child a fever.
The journey to the funeral sounds awful, If you can’t get additional leave, that makes your decision for you.
However most work places will grant leave for a grandparents funeral, though it might not be paid for more than a day.
If you don’t want to go, you’ve got several valid reasons not to. Could the funeral be streamed? That’s often done these days for people who are unable to travel to the funeral in person. If you are worried what other people in your family will say, you can show that you are upset about not being there, rail against your leave situation, show that you are sad about grandad and you wish you could be there but its just not possible. Sadly for people who live in a different country from their family, costs and logistics make visiting very difficult sometimes.
I think you should do what’s right for you and your children.

Does your job give time off for funerals ? I think if it were me I'd go and not bring the child, it'll be easier for you to wait around and travel without your child.

I doubt very much your son got a fever because he missed you. More likely he was unwell, the fever was a sympton of this, and he cried because he was unwell and he missed you.
In your position, I would go to the funeral if i could get the time off work.

I would try to go. I had just started university when grandad died, and was too scared to ask my Director of Studies to miss a one on one tutorial. That was nearly 30 years ago and I regret it to this day.

Depends on your relationship with him and your family really.

I got I my grandads funeral with hours to spare when I was a student, that was abroad. I am so glad I went. I've never regretted going to a funeral but always regretted not going.

Yes, i sort of think take the logistics out of the occasion, weigh up where the most regret will be, then make that choice work.

Does your work offer bereavement leave? Usually one day for grandparent at least. The rest can usually be borrowed from next leave year, unpaid etc.

it’s your grandparent,unless there is some massive backstory, of course you go.

in most countries a four year old wouldn’t even be in school yet. 5 days off is not going to blight his education.

I would go and not take the child. He was your grandfather; you’ll regret it if you don’t go. Your child was ill last time so this time will be easier I should think.

If you have no annual leave left and your child would miss school, then clearly you can't go. It doesn't matter what your family say, it's just not possible.

Can the funeral be broadcast?

Would you be able to take an unpaid day off leave for it?

Check too if you can even get a flight.

It's not a lot of time to get there, though I know that's part of the practice with some funerals. But that is a valid reason why you can't necessarily make it.

You are entitled to time off for a grandparents funeral. Personally i would go and not take the children

Thank you all for your feedback. In the end I decided not to go and explained my reasons to the family. I feel guilty, but I would feel miserable if I did go dragging DS with me and I would miss him and would equally worry terribly if I went alone and leave him behind. I did meet grandpa last summer. I was not really close to him, though he did take me on a fishing boat when I was 10.

The vibe in the family is this kind of controlling and suffocating, like, no matter who dies, we kind of pretend they were great people and the whole village takes them to a cemetery (we had some rotten apples and family members white-washed their biography and even lied about the cause of death to others out of embarrasment and keeping up the appearances, and I was forced to take part in that, too!). Maybe I wanted to escape it this time because it kind of reminded me of a half a dozen of other funerals that I was forced to attend, as a child, and as an adult, and it's a kind of terrible in itself cause it had nothing to do with grandpa, but who knows, maybe there were some skeletons in the closet even this time. Anyway, thank you!