Help me get out of this situation, I’m drowning

[ThreadsAndTides]

Hi, I am feeling completely and utterly stuck in this situation and I really need some help please.

I’ve separated from the father of my kids. We were together over ten years but we’ve been drifting apart as he isn’t a kind man and he felt neglected as I’ve been caring for my ailing parents as well as our children, and working full time while he has been unemployed (working on and off). He cheated, one night stand apparently, I don’t really care. I was angry but also relieved. I suppose we were staying together for the kids but it was toxic and horrible. So we broke up 6 months ago but he’s living on the sofa.

I don’t want to leave the house, so I’m planning to buy him out. Ideally he will get a place nearby and carry on seeing the kids. He is happy with this plan but also says he would happily leave, go to his parents who live in another country and see the kids during holidays and pay me nothing because I can’t get child maintenance if he’s earning nothing.

Ive taken a second job and I am exhausted and he is still on the sofa. I can borrow money to pay him some of the equity but I don’t want to
give him half as he hasn’t paid half, although he did pay half the initial deposit. He has agreed this is fair but he isn’t exactly honest. I don’t want to pay solicitors and get the ball rolling until he has his own place but I cannot put up with him here bullying me and not even paying the bills. I’m constantly in fight or flight mode.

Should I let him scuttle off to his parents’ house? If I do, will I be able to get him to stick to our agreement for him to take a lower % of the equity?

It all just seems so unfair and I don’t want to be the one who makes their dad leave, but also I don’t see him getting his act together and getting a place nearby. I have said I’d give him
the deposit for a rental flat tomorrow if he would go. Please help!

Sorry you are in this situation OP and he sounds vile.

Are you married, and whose name is on the deeds for the house?

Who's name is on the house deeds?
If it's joint I can't see you can ask him to leave, nor potentially raise more funds on it in just your name.

Are you both on the mortgage? Are you down as joint tenants- if the answer to that is yes then he’s entitled to 50% even if he hasn’t paid 50%.

Can you get a mortgage for the value + his equity in your own name?

You need proper legal advice to know your rights and his before you can make any decisions about how you want to move forward in your discussions with him, there’s an awful lot of shit and unhelpful armchair lawyering on here. Many sols do a free initial consultation.

if he has offered to go back to his parents, pack his bags.
There seems little benefit for you continuing to subsidise him, or him being in the house if he is bullying you,
It doesn't sound as though he is even doing a half share of childcare/housework, let alone taking on more given that he can't be bothered to get a job.

Your options are different depending upon whether you are married to this man or not.

Get some legal advice. Ask on local facebook groups for recommendations on solicitors and go from there.

Sorry, missed out those important details! Not married and joint tenants so both names on deeds.

Need more info

Joint tenants means you get equal share of the house regardless how much you have contributed doesn’t it? So you will need to sell the property and each buy or rent a new more affordable place.

If you can pay the mortgage send him home to his mummy.good bye
If he wants equity, he can take you to court to force sale

You need to see a solicitor to detangle all of this financially. Some offer 30 min free initial consultations.

Have you applied for benefits as a single person with children? You would need to separate your daily finances for this

Plus: you can't control what he chooses to do re: living arrangements now or in the future (and I wouldn't trust his word anyway) so just make sure you are sorted as best you can be

This is correct yes. 50% is his regardless of what he paid.

Don’t give him any money and don’t stay in the house continuing to pay the mortgage if he moves away as he could force the sale at a later date and he would be entitled to half of everything! Get the house sold asap

So while you pay the mortgage and don’t buy him out he continues to benefit from living off you and from any increase in the valuenof
the house.

Get to a solicitor and resign yourself to the fact that it’s going to cost you to get rid of him. But the sooner you rip the plaster off the less that cost will be.

Pack him off to his parents ASAP. It looks like you'll ultimately have to sell the house and give him his share but getting him out of your hair will at least give you some head space to sort yourself out.

I'd get him out however you can. He sounds like he is dragging you down.

• get him to go his parents
• educate yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies or similar, family solicitors' websites
• get all your financial documentation together: investments, pensions, mortgage, assets - make a list
• look at Form E (or whatever it's called these days)
• very important: see an experienced family solicitor (don't skip this!)

I don’t want to pay solicitors and get the ball rolling until he has his own place

That is where you are going wrong.

Go see a solicitor ASAP, so that you know how much of the equity you have to pay him - it may be 50%.
Then see a mortgage advisor to find out if you can buy him out on your current income.
Then investigate childcare if necessary, as you will be a single parent. Can you cover before and after school? School holidays? Work on the assumption he will vanish from your and the DC lives - what are the options?

Then serve him divorce papers, get the house transferred to your name, pay him his equity, and tell him to get out.
You are not responsible for whether he stays local or not, where he lives, or how much he sees the DC. He is an adult, you are not responsible for him.

I agree with @EuclidianGeometryFan. If you wait, you'll continue to pay the mortgage and increase the equity of which he'll get half.

You need a solicitor to sort the finances and split the assets legally. I know if feels like one more thing to deal with, but the process can take ages so start it now. If you both can agree in principle (and you're pretty smart) you can do a lot of the legwork.

See a solicitor. You may need to sever the joint tenancy to protect your contributions and also so that you can leave your share to the kids in your will rather than it automatically going to him

I'd sell the place and get him out of your life. Tell him to go now. What a misery having him there.

I would send him off and if you can afford it plan to be solely financially responsible for the kids. Emotionally you will feel better if not financially. Work out a way forward for him to keep in contact with the children and see a solicitor for proper advice about the property.

I’d let him scuttle off to his parents house and leave the filing for divorce up to him. You can get a charge out on the house stating you’ve taken over the mortgage payments in full since this date and any equity accrued after that date is yours alone.

I’d let him scuttle off to his parents house and leave the filing for divorce up to him

Not a good idea. She wants to be the one driving the process. Her financial liability is only likely to increase if he is not working, so she doesnt want to wait for him to file. He probably won't, anyway.

She needs competent legal advice to ensure she can extricate herself as quickly as possible and with the least loss. This is not a DIY project.