To think contempt is the beginning of the end?

[Echoburning]

DH and I have two young children, one who is only a few months old. Since having children, I have started to feel differently about DH. Objectively, he is a very involved dad and our relationship is pretty equal in terms of finances and household chores. However, I feel like we’re constantly at odds. I just feel this underlying contempt for him.

I used to see him as very capable but not any more. He is always unhappy with someone or other at work. He always has some injury or illness or catastrophe, especially when there is something wrong with me. For example, I recently got a very minor burn on my hand from some cleaning product that had spilled in the kitchen. I mentioned it in passing and later in the day he said his eye was burning and he must’ve got some of the chemicals in his eye. I had thoroughly cleaned it up before even telling him about it.

He tells me I am critical of him and I know he’s right. I find him irritating to be around and am losing my attraction to him. My last serious relationship before DH ended in part because my ex was so dependant on me and his family to run his life and I found it so unattractive.

Every silly mistake DH makes feels like a nail in the coffin. The baby woke up at 4am screaming because he’d leaked through his clothes and bedding. DH had put the wrong nappy on him. A small error really but I’ve been furious all day and am dreading him coming home from work.

All we ever do together is watch TV and our conversation is limited to small talk. I don’t feel challenged or inspired by him. He, in turn, seems bored by me and regularly tunes out when I’m talking. We both spend a lot of time together on our phones.

I want it to work with DH because I do love him and we have a lovely life together but I feel like it has become quite toxic between us. I’m hoping that it is just the stress and the exhaustion of having a newborn and we’ll find our way back but I can’t imagine not feeling like this.

YABU - lots of people with young children go through this and survive

YANBU - there’s no way back

It sounds very much like the young kids are contributing to this. I wouldn't make any rash decisions.

I think there are very few people who, whilst in the mire of small kids, are particularly inspiring and challenging.

Do you have any PND it anything that's impacting your mood more generally?

@NuffSaidSam I’ve been referred to the perinatal mental health team as the health visitor thinks there may be some PND. I do feel low and anxious but nothing I can’t cope with and could be due to lack of sleep as much as anything else. It’s the irritability that I’m finding hard. I guess that could be part of PND?

This sounds a lot like it could be sleep deprivation and/or depression. I would start there anyway.

Great that you have that contact with your HV and the referral. I hope things feel a bit brighter for you soon.

I can see you have some insight - I think you see that your reaction to him putting the wrong nappy on might have been disproportionate to his mistake. Not to dismiss your feelings at all but life IS going to be tough if you're experiencing the world that way. You don't have to live like that, and neither does he - there is a way through this, with time, patience, and the right help.

It sounds like he is the one that needs help - Yes you’ve had a new baby but you probably wouldn’t feel so affected if he wasn’t so annoying.

It’s hormones. Especially being mad at him all day for the nappy. See the doctor, I hope you feel a lot better soon, I know how hard it is to see the irrationality when you’re in it, hormones are a nightmare.

@Halvana I feel like most of my reactions are disproportionate to be honest. I would like to not feel like this towards him.

@BabyCloud That’s the thing. I don’t think he was like this before. It’s like he’s become more dependent on me since we’ve had children, especially recently when I feel like I need him to be more supportive. But I can’t be sure that it’s not just my perception of him that’s changed rather than his actual behaviour.

@Bangwam1 I hope it’s just hormones. The difficulty is sometimes I’m in that hormonal haze and know my emotions are heightened but at the moment even when I’m feeling grounded and ‘normal’ my emotions are still going 0-100 when he does something even a little bit annoying.

Your post really resonates with me. Mine are a bit older now (7 and 10) but I just feel pissed off and annoyed at DH all the time when in reality he does his best and contributes around the house. And we have a nice life. I know I'm struggling with perimenopause though. I have insomnia, anxiety and HRT doesn't seem to be helping. So I do think hormones are at play for me because I didn't always feel like this.

I wonder if sometimes the brain feels how it feels and then looks for someone/something to blame though.

I remember being absolutely enraged by our house. I was scouring Rightmove all the time, calculating how would could scrape together the thousands and thousands it would take to move. A few months into my antidepressants that feeling just evaporated, and it hasn't returned. We still live here, I can see again that it's a nice house. Glad I didn't divorce it! Obviously people are a lot more complicated.

I needed to read this post today thanks.

OP I’m in a similar situation and I can’t see the woods for the trees with my emotions. You have my empathy. Following along for wise words. I wish I had some.

I think the fact that you’ve recognised that it’s an issue and that you’d like to not feel that way about him, suggests that there’s every chance of fixing it. And it’s always a really bad idea to make life altering decisions unless you’re totally certain that your hormones aren’t still up in the air and there are no other issues, like depression.

Having said that, it does sound like he could be quite difficult to live with sometimes. The tuning out and the always being unhappy with something or someone would frustrate me. It could be a self fulfilling prophecy though I suppose? He’s picked up on your feelings, which is making him generally miserable with everything? Get yourself sorted and see if he’s still driving you mad.

@Heatherbell1978 hormones are such a pain. Is it since having the children or more recently?

@Halvana It definitely could be that. I know in the past I’ve had form for directing my negative feelings inwards. Maybe DH is now bearing the brunt. I’ve been toying with the idea of anti-depressants if they decide it is actually PND but it seems like a scary idea.

@MaggieBsBoat thanks for the camaraderie. Hopefully we can both find some wisdom here.

@Whothefuckdoesthat The self-fulfilling prophecy bit does worry me. What if I’ve turned him into the person he is now by being miserable towards him. I’m just struggling to separate it out in my head.

It is just as possible that your feelings are as a result of him being really grumpy all the time, so don’t take any blame just yet. Get yourself feeling settled and then it’ll be clearer.

Don't underestimate how much lack of sleep affects you. When ds was 9 months old I could have quite happily put dh's body under the decking...
Got ds sleeping through and the fog lifted a lot.

It's worse now than it was in the baby years but I do remember getting so angry with DH when he didn't understand the 'routine' or made things worse in my opinion when I had things organised and on schedule. But I have control freak tendencies and honestly don't feel like I've slept in 10 years. Once the kids started sleeping through the night I developed insomnia. I was so much more chilled in my younger years so although DH is not perfect if I'm honest with myself I'm not easy to live with at the moment.

@Stormyweatheroutthere New baby sleeps a lot better than my first but I feel less able to cope with it this time. A good night’s sleep does sound like heaven right now.

@Heatherbell1978 That sounds really difficult. Your last sentence is exactly how I feel.

Find your window of quality sleep. Dh took ds around 5am. If I slept til 7 30 I was absolutely set for the day. Even after a really rough night in the early months. Only by 9 months was I only last legs. I was 43 though.. Can't remember being that wrecked with older dc!!

@Stormyweatheroutthere That’s close to what we’re doing on days when DH isn’t working, so I get to sleep from 6:30ish until 8:30ish. It makes such a difference but DH works odd shifts so we’ve now got a run of days where he’ll be leaving at 5am.

Actual contempt is the finished article imo

Did you like DH to begin with? If yes it can be worked on. I didn't like my ex really and when the stress of a baby piled on us that was it. I recognise the moaning about work and other people. His family were also demanding and annoying and my tolerance reduced after having DS.