To think it’s more important to be respected than to be liked?

[ThatCosyGoldCat]

I’ve been thinking a lot about how people navigate friendships, family dynamics, and even work relationships. Some people focus on being liked, while others prioritise being respected, even if it means not everyone likes them. Personally, I’m leaning towards respect being the more important of the two, but I wonder if that’s really true or if it’s just a way to feel better about not always being liked.

Do you think respect matters more than being liked, or do they go hand in hand?

I think so, yes. But it took me at least 40 of my 50 odd years to realise it.

I can't think of anyone that I respect but don't like. What would that look like?

It probably depends on the situation, personally
I think they're equally important.

You might enjoy reading Machiavelli's The Prince, as he also concluded it was better for a leader to be feared than loved.

But to your point: while you can respect someone you don't like, I think it's hard to like someone if you don't respect them.

I think at work I'd rather be respected but in my personal relationships I'd rather be liked.

At work? Yes. Because you can respect someone in a professional context without necessarily liking them.

In your actual personal life I would say it's a false distinction. I like my friends because I respect them as people (and I'm talking about their characters and their ethics, not how good they are at their jobs - which I couldn't care less about).

But thinking about it, even at work it's a false binary. You can be respected on different levels in a professional context. I respect some people for being hard workers, some for being amazing at building relationships and some for being technically brilliant at their job description. Those don't overlap very much!

Respect doesn't have to come at the cost of being likeable

Respect is the cornerstone of any good relationship and you can’t really like someone you don’t respect.

They’re not (or they shouldn’t be) mutually exclusive though.

I think a lot of people in a work context think being respected = being hardline and unkind. In a work environment a people pleaser won’t last five minutes and respect has to come first. But it doesn’t follow that you have to be nasty to be respected.

I think it’s about recognising certain qualities or achievements, even if you don’t feel personally drawn to the person.

For example, you might respect someone for their strong work ethic, discipline, or integrity, yet not enjoy their personality or find them easy to get along with. Think of a tough manager who’s fair and effective at their job but comes across as abrasive or overly strict - they might not be “likeable,” but you can still respect their leadership and skills.

It’s also possible to respect someone’s accomplishments or expertise while lacking a personal connection or even disagreeing with them on other levels. So, it’s really about valuing certain traits, behaviours, or achievements, even if the person isn’t someone you’d naturally gravitate toward.

In professional or creative settings, you can respect someone for what they do, their professionalism or craft, even when you find them personally obnoxious.

Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll check it out. I also agree with your point: it does seem easier to respect someone without liking them than to truly like someone you don’t respect. Respect feels foundational, especially in relationships that have any depth. Without it, there’s often not much to like beyond a surface level.

@mossylog that’s true up to a point but if people make a habit of being obnoxious to everyone they meet they will damage their own reputation.

If you're focusing on being liked, you're not being authentic and besides, not everyone is going to like you, no matter how much you try.

The value of being liked, imo, is very much dependent on how and why you’re liked. I think a lot of people place value on being liked, when they’re liked not for who they, but for what they’re willing to do in order to be liked.

People can like being able to take advantage of someone, but that isn’t the same as liking the person they’re taking advantage of. Actually people pleasers (and I’m specifically talking about people pleasers, not everyone that wants to be liked) are rarely liked in my experience, and are usually considered with disdain for being a mug. They’re certainly not respected.

Some people like me, some people don’t. That’s life, and it’s fine. I’m not a politician or a celebrity so I don’t need to appeal to the masses 🤷🏻‍♀️

It is one thing in professional relationships and different in personal. Of course respect is important in personal relationships but it's difficult to have a personal relationship without being liked whereas in professional relationships it is not as relevant

I don't think I could. I do a hobby that some people display great skill in. I don't respect the skills of the people I don't like. Maybe it comes down to if an individual considers 'respect' to be an emotional or a cognitive exercise? For me it is emotional so while I know a particular coach will be skilled in their area, if I don't like them, I can't respect them for the skill and wouldn't chose to have them as a coach.

Surely it’s more important to be feared?

If you’re an investment banker or a journalist maybe. Not as part of a couple?

I think it’s important in personal relationships too. You see thread after thread on here where posters are being massively taken advantage of (and expected to suck it up to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘be nice’) by family members that have zero respect for them.

I think someone can be likeable but not respected. A weak manager could be lovely as a person, but I wouldn't respect them for not being able to take decisions. Which doesn't mean I wouldn't treat them with respect.

I'd rather be respected than liked in general, in that I'd hate to be disrespected or treated as a doormat, but I generally like most people myself. I suppose though that I as I wouldn't want to be close to everyone, then nor would most people want to be close to me. There's liking someone and being really drawn to them.

So yes, I'd rather be respected but maybe not loved and keep my integrity.

There isn't a single person that I like but don't respect.

There are many people I respect...but can't stand!

So for me...if it came down to a straight choice...I'd say I'd want to be liked...as I'd think that would also come with respect as a matter of course.

However, I don't really care if someone doesn't like me, as long as they respect me, so 🤷‍♀️

That’s interesting. I don’t need to consider someone likable in order to acknowledge or respect their skills. What someone is like, and what they can do, are separate.

There is no reason to choose. You don't have to become unlikeable to earn respect. In fact the two function far better as companion traits than conflicting ones. I think a lot of people imagine that respect is only afforded to the tough talking, inflexible, low empathy type individuals, who often end up disliked because they are rude, cross from assertiveness to aggression and do not consider the needs of others. This is not true. You can have personality traits that make you well liked and respected.

If you are feeling there is a choice to be made OP, then you want to be liked by the wrong people who will take advantage of you. However with these types changing and not being likable won't make them respect you either, as its them, not you.

Correct, OP. If people respect you, then you will always be able to work or get along with them.
Being liked is so much more problematic, and subjective. I'm sure there are lots of people who don't like me, and that's fine because they are entitled to their view and I don't need to be liked.