Empty nest, menopause or depression?

[Perimenpen]

DH and I have been together for 20+ years, we have 2 DC now in their teens and quite independent. I work FT in a job I mostly enjoy, have a few friends I see regularly although not frequently. Recently I have just felt so empty and don’t enjoy anything any more. I can’t decide whether I’m feeling my nest emptying as DC start to consider next stages of their lives, menopause is having an impact especially on anxiety, or I’m just fed up with my life, especially with DH, with whom I feel I have nothing in common with any more.
DH and I have really drifted apart over the last few years. He was self employed since I’ve known him, but in mumsnet speak this would have been regarded as a hobby/vanity project, taking up all his time and making very little money, whilst I worked full time to support us. Whilst it meant he could be at home for DC when they were young, he did virtually none of the household, school or family admin, I paid all the bills, organised all the holidays, birthdays and Christmas and helped the kids with homework. During COVID this became really apparent just how little he did.
As the kids are getting older and more independent, I have more time to myself and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self after doing so much for the family for the last 10+ years and I don’t know who I am or what I want any more. Part of me resents DH for his selfishness, as he has maintained hobbies and life outside the family, whereas I haven’t, but then again is that his fault or mine? I’m perimenopausal and am having some episodes of anxiety and real brain fog that make me reluctant to try new things. We’ve just spent a weekend away with friends and it’s made me see just how empty our lives together are, and I don’t know what to do. Would I be happier starting over? Or once I get through menopause and the DC are independent is it possible to repair the rift? Not really sure how to frame my AIBU but I just feel so empty, and need some perspectives from others who have navigated this stage of life.

From your post, it doesn't sound like you should be looking at "you labels" like menopause or depression. It sounds like you are simply unhappy with your life, and especially your husband.

I felt like the real choice you might have now is between leaving your husband or trying radically hard to find activities/interests etc that are expressive of you.

In a way it comes down to the second thing because even if you did leave your husband that would just be the starting point from which you would need to begin to find yourself.

What passions might be lurking in the corners of your life? What new interests might you enjoy? Craft? Becoming a parish councillor? Book club? DIY?

You are at the time of life when you have earned the right to focus hard on finding and expressing passions.

Hi OP, I am sorry to hear you’re going through this and can completely empathise with you. It’s horrible to feel lost and empty. I am also perimenopausal and when I finally got HRT it really made a difference to my anxiety - have you spoken to you GP about your symptoms? I would deal with one thing at a time, the PM symptoms being the most important to address first. Once you have done this and feel an improvement you can then proceed to take on more social things such as hobbies etc…

The main thing is to focus on yourself and the things that make you happy. When you feel the PM symptoms are less debilitating and you are able to find some joy for yourself you will know how to address things with your husband. Wishing you all the best!

At the beginning of my menopause journey I looked over at my OH and thought the same. We had to have a lot of talks and decide on what we wanted to do - work on it or not. It’s a process that you will have to do together. I think big changes are to be avoided until you have sorted out your hormone balance and invested in things that make you happy. And if anything it’s a process of putting urself first that’s also really weird because you haven’t done it for so long. I think menopause is designed to invite us to be young women again - just with older bodies and more self assurance.

Thanks for your replies, I think I will try and see the doctor about the PM symptoms. In terms of finding new interests I’m just not sure where to start, the hobbies I have are things I do alone, which I think it part of the problem, I really feel like i need meaningful connections again, which I’m not getting from DH. It’s definitely strange to think of putting me first again, it’s been such a long time.

Your DH is not pulling his weight and you rightly dont respect him. That's the real issue.

I don't want to minimise the impact of perimenopause, being there myself right now and feeling it. But it's a bit easy to pin too much on it, because as women, if more of our problems are down to perimenopause, maybe can medicate ourselves out of it. You sound like hormones aside, you've deeper relationship issues there.

'I work FT in a job I mostly enjoy... Recently I have just felt so empty and don’t enjoy anything any more'

Are you enjoying your job? I don't enjoy anything when I'm depressed.

DH issues aside. My peri makes me feel meh and just no oomph. I hate it, I have always been just a get on with it person.

I love my kids being more independent. We have been together over 20 years too.

I def know it's peri. It's become really apparent this year.

I think your man is the problem, or rather your relationship with him.

It's a husband problem. Don't let the hormone changes in yourself could that.
Oestrogen is the 'caring' hormone. We needed it to do what we did raising the children.
Then it starts to fade away and you're now seeing life through a new lens.
I speak as someone 61 who divorced after 36years then all the things that you say you don't feel you have came back to me on a whoosh.

Bump, feel exactly the same OP.