Advice, please

[Bestwishes23]

I have a family member staying with me who has OCD (diagnosed but untreated, refuses to engage with any help) as parent of this young adult needs to be abroad until late next week. Dad is available but not much help.

I'm struggling with the below but not sure what to do/say, if anything. Examples:

• Requesting meals as hungry but binning the meal as soon as it's put in front of them (I have asked what they'd like)
• Wasting whole rolls of loo paper (this isn't monitored but noticeable when new one is put out and gone an hour later)
• Tubes of toothpaste. There's no longer any tomorrow for the other people who live here
• Soap going missing. Again none for anybody tonight/tomorrow

These examples are just a snapshot.

Young adult would prefer to stay here but everything has become very disruptive. WIBU to send this family member to dad. Dad is known to be impatient with the behaviours listed above. I have young DC and a full-time job and I'm concerned what else will be wasted when I go to back to work on Monday as I won't be home.

My son has OCD and these behaviours sound very familiar. For instance, he will throw away food if he thinks it's contaminated. There's no reasoning with him. It's a very, very stressful mental illness to suffer and has an enormous impact on everyone who lives with the sufferer.

It's understandable that you're struggling to adapt, so I don't think you're unreasonable to send this young person to his/her dad's. I'm sorry the dad is so lacking in compassion and understanding, though. No one with OCD wants to have it and they can't just snap out of it.

I hope this young person feels able to engage in therapy sometime soon. CBT with Exposure Response Therapy is the gold standard, in combination with SSRIs. My son finds sertraline helps.

Thank you for your understanding. No reasoning is able to be had and it's awful to watch this young person struggling like this. The other parent is at breaking point, too.

I will speak to the other parent about the CBT with Exposure Response Therapy and look into doing some research with them. Thanks for your reply.

I would try and ignore the 'wasting'.

If you can't afford the waste, ask one/both of the parents for some money to restock the fridge/loo roll/toothpaste/soap.

It's annoying, but I don't think it's annoying enough to send a young adult with severe mental health problems to live with an unsympathetic parent for a week. If you can get through it, I would.

Ocd sucks 😞 I have it

It sounds incredibly frustrating and wasteful but, I think, for the sake of the parent who is doing the hard yards and clinging on by her fingertips, I would suck it up and get to the end of the week.

Ideally, she should be able to rely on the other parent to do all of this and leave you out of it. In reality, she might never see a way to step away from this tense environment again without your support and that seems a lot for the sake of toothpaste, soap, toilet paper and some wasted meals.

If it's financial ask parent for money to cover expense.

Food - ask parent what they want to eat and how it needs to be prepared/served. It's likely to be very specific. Would it be easier for them to eat packaged food or take away?

U wouldn't send them back, less harmful for them and the mom to endure. The rejection would hurt when they're already struggling.

I appreciate what PPs are saying and I want to provide the support, but we really don't have the disposable income to keep replacing these things every day. One parent can't reimburse and the other won't. I can't limit use as I'm not their parent and that would be controlling but I do not have the money to buy new things every day they're here

I have OCD. Meds might help. I was on clomipramine for more than 2 yrs. Made a bit difference, but I also gained 5 stone/70lbs. (I was in my 30s. I'm now in my 60s.)

My GP tried me on setraline this year, but I didn't like what it was doing to my brain, so I'm now on one 2mg tab of diazepam a day "when feeling overwhelmed".

The loo roll thing is not uncommon. Try supply flushable wet wipes as well. Might also try to enquire as to whether their anxiety is causing IBS.

If you’re all at breaking point then professional help if needed whether they want it or not.

How are they going to cope without the things you’ve mentioned? Do they have no money of their own to replace?

It's not preparation that's the issue or contamination concerns, it's how the food is arranged on the plate. I've tried asking them if they'd like to dish their own up, tried buffet style, etc, but they can't get it quite 'right' and as a result, the food is binned. I'm concerned about the lack of food they're eating, but there's snacks which they are managing to eat, thankfully

They don't work, so there is no money to replace it and the responsible parent is really doing the best they can right now. Professional help is absolutely needed but this person will not engage, so it really is escalating.

Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. I was feeling very stressed when I posted but my family member will stay until the end of the week until their parent is back as I absolutely would not want to contribute to making anything worse for them

Do you think that the DM has asked you to do this in the hope that an unbiased observer can confirm that this is an untenable situation beyond the help of a caring layperson?

Would prepackaged food help? When I am going through a bad phase things like oven pizza are a godsend. Pre-packaged vs home cooked helps with contamination fears (I know illogical).

Or things like plain pasta with grated cheese help when worried about ingredients and what to eat first and put where.

Simple makes the brain breathe a sigh of relief.

Re toilet paper and toothpaste... I would limit how much you are putting in there, and if they ask say it is expensive.

We can't help having OCD but it is also important to learn to stretch ourselves when affecting others and understanding the impact of behaviours. This is a very good lesson for people other than parents to implement as it is more effective.

It will probably also be "back up" for what poor parent has been telling them.

I would put up with it for this short time, especially if the mother was my sister or a close relative like that. I hope she's getting a decent break as it must be hard

Oh, and my dentist often has mini, trial tubes of toothpaste to give away. They're in a box by the front desk. Maybe pop in and ask for a few?
Good luck!

Try putting out only the amount of tissue paper required (a a bit extra) instead of entire rolls. Same with toothpaste. I have a few mini toothpaste tubes as part of disposable toothbrush sets that I picked up from flights and hotels that would have come in use. Maybe something like that.

if they’re binning their food- ask that they leave the whole plate in a particular tray that you leave out in area of throwing it. That way you can at least retrieve it and eat it yourself if it’s untouched. Although this might not work, it’s worth trying.

I also want to say, it’s very generous and kind of you to take this person in for a week for the sake of the full time parent. Their poor DM must be struggling a lot alone by the sounds of it.