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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irritating housemate

24 replies

Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 00:52

Moved in a few weeks ago with a new roommate who was pretty open about the fact she hasn’t shared a house since university days (several years ago), other than with her partner.

She seemed to want to be friends originally but has been a little colder the last few days. She has just sent me a snotty text asking me not to leave lights on because it is tiring for her to switch them off when she’s not the one who puts them on… this has happened maybe twice or three times since we have lived together.

ive had to really hold my tongue as she loves to have loud phone calls around the house and also is very particular about things. I’ve tried to adapt around her but her attitude now is starting to wind me up!

anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Pinkpurpletulips · 03/11/2024 00:57

I think I'd be looking for another place. She is plainly having a few issues about sharing a place. I understand it's her home but she doesn't seem very keen on modifying her behaviour. The passive aggressive texts are likely just the start.

Original poster
Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 00:58

Unfortunately I’m locked in for three more months but yeah that’s a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 00:59

Is there anything I can say in the meantime?

OP posts:
Pinkpurpletulips · 03/11/2024 01:03

Why are you locked in? Did you sign something? Even if you did, can she do anything if you actually leave? Presumably she owns the place so you didn't sign a lease?

TwinklyNight · 03/11/2024 01:05

Not really. It is only 3 months. Just Remember to turn lights off. Go in your room if her talking is disturbing you.

Pinkpurpletulips · 03/11/2024 01:06

There is no reasoning with this sort of flatmate. Don't try to gain her approval. Turn off the lights as you go. It sounds like she may be a bit short of money if she's got a flatmate. I'd try to minimize my interactions with her while preparing to move out.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 03/11/2024 01:24

What is the 'AIBU?' question here?

Did she already live there before you moved in, or did you both move in at the same time?
Have you had any conversations with her about how you like to live/ share space with other people? Make any agreements about how you would treat the space and each other? Did that feel like a decent, respectful conversation between equals, or is she expecting/ assuming that you'll do things her way because she was there first?
You could try and initiate a conversation about it - "I want us both to enjoy living here, and not get stressed about things" leading into talking about
(a) what's important to (both of) you about your home (eg that it's quiet and peaceful after 10pm, that the kitchen is kept clean and hygienic; that we'll both put money into a kitty, and spend that on things like washing up liquid, toilet rolls, cleaning sponges etc; that we sit and eat together at least once a week; that people only smoke in the yard, not indoors)
and (b) what things you wouldn't want the other person to do (eg helping yourself to stuff from my bedroom without asking first; having guests over to eat/ sleep without letting me know (by text if not in person); leaving dishes in the kitchen sink rather than on the side; leaving lit candles unattended; playing really loud music whenever they're drunk and/or feeling heartbroken.

There are ways of framing it so it doesn't come across as blaming the other person, or making a big deal about situations that have already come up. Talk about what you learnt from other house-sharing experiences you've had (or heard about) and examples of it working well and/or going hideously wrong.

What you're trying to do is reach a position where you can both agree to behave in certain ways because you want to be considerate of the other person and their own individual needs/ wants/ preferences, and they want to do the same about yours. This might mean making some adaptations or compromises, and taking preventative action that will protect your household harmony and happiness

Good luck.

SilverChampagne · 03/11/2024 01:33

Are you her lodger, op? Because that’s a slightly different relationship to two equals flat sharing.

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/11/2024 01:41

You could suggest a conversation to discuss how things are, now you've been there a few weeks. So you both have an opportunity to say what you think is going well and what could be better. You will both have to be open to constructive criticism but it might clear the air?

Original poster
Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 01:45

No not her lodger - the lease is in her name and she’s subletting to me. Previously the flatmate before her had the opposite arrangement. I wonder if the power has gone to her head a bit lol

OP posts:
SilverChampagne · 03/11/2024 01:47

Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 01:45

No not her lodger - the lease is in her name and she’s subletting to me. Previously the flatmate before her had the opposite arrangement. I wonder if the power has gone to her head a bit lol

Well, you are effectively her lodger, what’s the difference?

Original poster
Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 01:53

Ok yes I suppose so

OP posts:
adriftinadenofvipers · 03/11/2024 01:57

I stayed with my DD in Italy for a week. It reminded me of how shit house shares are because I hadn't had to live in one since just after I graduated. The madam in the room next door had never had a conversation with my DD in the 3 months she'd lived there. Every time she saw me, she went, "ohhh!" but never spoke to me. Her BF was also staying there so it wasn't an issue that my DD had people staying. I walked in on her sitting on the toilet because she hadn't locked the door. So embarrassing!

She moved out on 31 October. My elder DD was with us and she had a quick shower that morning. Madam then had a shower, and I wanted to go for a pee. Madam stood at the bathroom door with her dressing gown on and a towel on her head protecting the bathroom until her DP could get in there! We couldn't go out until I'd had the chance to go to the loo!

I've stayed with both my DDs in uni accommodation and it's been fine. This time I've realised that as I am now in my early 60s, I am not up for it any more!!

Pinkpurpletulips · 03/11/2024 02:21

Yes I have a theory that people get married or move in with partners just to get away from flatmates. You just get to the point you can't stand it. I remember when the person who had the lease on our place discovered true love and wanted me out. This was just after I'd kept the tenancy up for six weeks while I'd been away over Christmas. I had to scramble to find another place while her and this rather elderly chap literally writhed around in front of me. They monopolized the sitting room and television and, frankly, I wasn't game to open the door. I once looked out the windows and they were practically at it on the lawn.

I rushed into another place. The chaps weren't my type but seemed to have decent day jobs. The place was nice and convenient for my job..Then I found out that they were dealing drugs. Years later I found out the police were watching the place. I moved out within days of twigging what was going on. I can't imagine what they were thinking because the slightest whiff of the drug trade would have cost me my career. They were all very surly about me moving out and one warned me to avoid the other one as "he was very angry".

BabyCloud · 03/11/2024 03:30

It is irritating to leave lights on though isn’t it? Just make sure you turn them off.

DemocracyR · 03/11/2024 03:57

My partner had a flatmate move in during covid and it was a nightmare. She viewed the place as it was, knowing I was a smoker (since quit this year). First day he was out and came back to find she’d moved the dining table to block the one window I would use. ‘I like to face the sun when I’m working’, it was clearly deliberate. Right but this is a communal space, there’s a desk in each bedroom, clearly indicated when she was shown the place. She chucked out toilet brush, bar soap (opened a day earlier), his hand towels all on day one. She was not someone who could live with a flatmate.

Within two weeks I found her chucking out my belongings she felt had been around too long, such as a razor, deodorant, an eye makeup palette (all in my drawer in the shared bathroom, she was going through my stuff).

Anyway, point is, some people just can’t bring themselves to be flatmates. It just won’t work.

Waterboatlass · 03/11/2024 11:21

She sounds a PITA, sending a long message over the lights when she has her own annoying habits instead of just asking. It feels like building a case instead of being friendly to start with.

I get it but for 3 months just give her the benefit of the doubt rather than worrying, and start looking again. Perhaps she's concerned about energy bills and doesn't want to have to have the same conversation repeatedly.

Understandable but not very welcoming. Sounds like an uphill struggle. Personally I wouldn't get into discussions, I'd just do my 3 months and leave unless you have other options and are in a position re deposit to just leave.

Waterboatlass · 03/11/2024 11:27

BabyCloud · 03/11/2024 03:30

It is irritating to leave lights on though isn’t it? Just make sure you turn them off.

Yes but it's how you say it. The message sounds like overkill and suggests she doesn't really want to be sharing.

Point is, by the time someone is sharing who doesn't want to be, IME, you're better off leaving as they'd rather you weren't there. It's not about the lights. Yes she's within her rights. Yes the OP could mention the calls and try to 'improve communication' etc but it's all energy you don't want to expend on a flat share.

She's got an 'off' impression, 3 months is a good time to breathe after the last search and find somewhere new.

CoCoNoDough · 03/11/2024 11:29

Make sure you turn your lights off.
Ask her to not make loud phone calls. I'm not sure why you have to bit your tongue with that.

Original poster
Pallyejbd · 03/11/2024 23:37

Yeah she’s being ridiculous

i cleaned the flat top to bottom while she was out and got one message when I went out after: “did you run the dishwasher?” She then told me that I shouldnt have as it was half empty.

I said I understood where she was coming from but given that this was the second time in a row I’d had a telling-off text from her (which could come across as aggressive…) could we have a chat in person to discuss? She seemed super nervous when we spoke in person and I was very friendly but just explained that I didn’t appreciate receiving the texts and was everything ok.

think she knows she’s pushed it a bit far now - I’m going to be friendly but detach and not cook for the flat / invite her out etc etc - just not worth it!

OP posts:
BPR · 03/11/2024 23:56

Good plan.
She is a pain in the arse and it is unlikely to work out.
Make no futher effort and keep it strictly business for the remainder of the time.
Hopefully the penny will indeed have dropped and she will STFU.
Definitely mention her loud phone,calls, THAT is super annoying.

Do not socialise with her, big mistake to mix it.
Polite and busy with your own life.

Illegally18 · 04/11/2024 00:20

BabyCloud · 03/11/2024 03:30

It is irritating to leave lights on though isn’t it? Just make sure you turn them off.

True

Waterboatlass · 04/11/2024 09:06

Really well handled, I would definitely do as you say, polite and friendly but not make attempts to be friends. I would also continue with plans to call it a day at 3 months although don't let her know until the agreed notice period in case you change your mind or it's hard to find somewhere

Sethera · 04/11/2024 09:09

anyone have any advice?

Switch the lights off! I don't blame her for raising this with you.

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