Alcoholism in family

[ohgolly24]

My mum has been a functioning alcoholic for several years but things have really ramped up over the past 5 years or so.

A family member threw a Halloween party on Friday night. Dh and I went with our dc and my mum also went. She turned up having already been drinking and proceeded to drink more throughout the evening. I left early with dc but by the time I left she was staggering, talking absolute shit to people she barely knows and bringing up things from the past. Slurring, horrendous booze breath and just generally being very obviously drunk.

It's widely accepted she is a big drinker and family have seen her drunk before but I got an undercurrent of people judging her a bit more this time. It's like before everyone has been in the party spirit and made out her being shitfaced was harmless fun but this time she was so much more far gone than anyone else and there were kids there too.

I also perhaps felt as if people were judging me for not looking after her more. The fact is I've had to distance myself from it because it's very painful and embarrassing and after years of trying to discuss it with her and help her it's become clear she has no intention of changing.

A family friend told me they'd take her home but I feel like they were maybe thinking it was my duty to look after her. My priority was having a nice time with my dc and getting them home at a reasonable time.

I struggle to understand how she can do this over and over. On the rare occasions I go out and have a drink I have the worst anxiety the next day about what I said or did, or if I made a fool of myself. My mum does this often and doesn't seem to care then repeats the same behaviour. Which is strange because when she's sober she's mild mannered and even uptight. I just don't understand it.

Would you have judged her and me in this situation?

No I wouldn't judge you one bit because I understand it from your position very well unfortunately.

The truth is, no one will ever really fully appreciate you and your point of view on this, especially if the alcoholism is generally well hidden. To others, even family, they won't see the dynamics you have dealt with for years and why you're at this point.

It's like why so many, even extended family judge adult children for going NC. They don't ever see or understand the behaviour that someone had to put up with. There's also a huge element where people want to live in denial and not accept their relative is a bit of a nightmare.

I think you need focus on protecting your well being and that of your own little family. You can't fix your mum and you owe others absolutely no explanation. Stuff what they may think.

Absolutely no judgement from me.

I'd have thought you were great for leaving with your children.

You're not responsible for your Mums behaviour.

I'm in the same boat OP and after years of making excuses for her I just tell it like it is now . I've accepted she doesn't want to and will never want to stop drinking and it's gotten so bad she might drink herself to death it's that bad . Nobody will judge you it's an addiction like any other and there unfortunately isn't a thing you can do to help her unless she wants help I think for your own MH you are right to distance yourself from it as it can be soul destroying to watch .

Absolutely no judgement and not your responsibility to look after her.
You did the right thing to protect your child from seeing this.
It's hard to see people we love doing this to themselves but you can't force them to change and have to think of yourself and your own family.

Oh my goodness no OP. My aunt was exactly like this my entire life until her death. Turning up to gatherings drunk and slowly getting more drunk by the evening. She fell in the bath at a family party and had to be carried out. Fell down curbs, out of the car etc. She had a viscous tongue with her adult daughters and wouldn't remember anything the next day adamant that she would never do/say those things. My mum- her sister is tee total and tired to talk to her many times, as did others but nothing changed.
I can honestly say none of us ever judged her daughters for not doing more. What could they do? Nor did we blame my aunt. Alcoholics can't help it and won't change unless they agree to help which my aunt never did.
I feel sorry you are going through this but please don't feel bad.
Same as your mum my aunt was a very kind person when sober. It's very sad.
I hope things get better for you all.

Nobody should be judging you! As much as we talk about addiction, I do think there is a time where choice comes in to play. I think a lot if people could slip into dependency if they didn't choose the other thing.

This is where the difference between individuals arises, but I suspect we are more focused on the 'addict' then what makes them an addict, when the woman next door can know when she's drinking too much and stop, cut down etc.

There are a few alcoholics in my DH's family. TBH I do think there were some failures from family that contributed to this in those people's very early lives... they all suffered probably avoidable emotional damage very young, and started drinking in their mid-teens. But there's probably a genetic tendency at play as well.

But now they have responsibility for themselves. One died young from alcoholic heart failure. The others have had all the love and support and have engaged with sobriety to varying degrees. No one blames anyone.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
No one should be judging you because it is totally out of your control. I suspect that gradually her invitations will dry up as no one will want her at their parties. Of course your DC are your priority and always should be.
It maybe that some people did not know that she is an alcoholic and just thought she had had a few too many. They did not know that this was not unusual.

Who invited your mum and brought her to the party? If it wasn’t you then not your responsibility. If you told her about it and took her there, knowing her problematic drinking, then yes you should have sorted it out.

No one will be judging you.

People will be judging your mother, but that’s because she’s a drunk. She made a show of herself; she’s done it before and she’ll continue doing it until she takes control of her alcoholism.

She likely won’t have any memory of her behaviour. I should know, I’m in recovery myself, and god knows I’ve been your mum in situations before.

I’m sorry she puts you through this. Trust me, no one is thinking badly of you in this scenario and many will sympathise.

She walked there herself. She had an invite as did I. It's a family party so both invited separately. She is a grown adult and should be able to moderate her behaviour. I never used to be this hard about it but after years of seeing this and years of trying to get her to address her issues I have had to detach for my own sanity. It's horrible seeing someone you love behave this way and treat their body like this. But I can't stop her and I've had to accept that.

She has MH issues which I suspect contribute to her drinking but she won't seek help for that either. She chooses to carry on living this way and putting herself in these situations. I don't see why I should be the one who suffers for it, or my dc.

My partner got blind drunk last night after 5 years sober. He's on prozac . He is currently passed out on the floor. I'm literally shaking. I don't know what to do. I am a T total .

Some people would have judged you, yes. A drunk is an inconvenient embarrassment that makes people uncomfortable and so people want that fixed. The obvious person to fix it is their nearest and dearest. People at that party would have wanted her stopped and wanted you to do it so they could carry on enjoying themselves with her 'safe' out of the way. You have to develop a thick skin though, because she and her behaviour are not your responsibility, so don't let people foist her on to you.

@Pinkzombie that sounds really tough after 5 years sober. Best to start a new thread to get some advice as people will see it more.

Is it possible she's even more drunk than she seems when these things happen, i.e. for her, it's a blackout, and she remembers nothing of her behaviour?

Have you talked to her about it? What does she say?

Does she drink and drive?

There will always be some idiots who think this is somehow your issue to fix, but it's not and you can't. They don't know what they're talking about, or what it's like.

Not in the least. You're not responsible for your DM's behaviour, she is. She's not a teenager, she's a mature woman with a drink problem, which is her responsibility not yours.
In addition, I would know in advance how I was going to get home - pre-arranged lift, taxi or failing those two options, I'd not drink at all and drive. It was selfish of her to turn up half-cut and expect someonelse to make sure she got home OK.

There are people who don't realise you can't actually help an alcoholic and will judge you for 'not trying', and in your case they also seem happy to inflict an alcoholic on your kids.
Their opinion is worthless, please try not to give them head space. You did the right thing, you have to look after yourself and your children.

"I struggle to understand how she can do this over and over."
Alcoholism is a disease. I lost a friend to it. There's nothing you can say or do to change an alcoholic because the change has to come from them, (Al Anon told me this.) From what you've said, your DM doesn't want to change or seek help. She may change her mind, and for your sake, I hope she does. Until then, you're right to proceed with a tough, non-enabling attitude. Honestly, it doesn't matter what other people think. They're not the ones who have to deal with her. If you need sound advice or support, Al Anon are great.

@Pinkzombie
I hope you managed to get through yesterday ok
I'm sure you would have got advice and support from MN if your post hadn't been buried on an old thread. Please just start a new thread if you are struggling again.
Best wishes x

I would not have judged you or her. My mother was an alcoholic until her dying day and was always ashamed of herself and depressed once she sobered up. It was quite painful to see her feel such shame, but at the end of the day, all efforts to control her drinking were in vain and I had to set my own boundaries in order to protect myself. I really hope your mother finds some way to quit the drink. But regardless of what she does, you need to focus on yourself and your children.

is he in AA? If he is can he call his sponsor, and if not in AA will he go to a meeting? You can call Al-Anon for support.

He did it all himself . No help no counselling