Best friend with older child ditched me since I had my youngest

[Robinforme]

Hello first time poster feeling a bit lost at how to approach this.
My best friend of 20 years who have been through all life stages together has been really distant since I became pregnant with my youngest child.
She has child age 10, I have child age 8 and a now 1 year old.
We have been though all life experiences together and I loved on her child like she was my own. When I had my oldest we did lots together with the children and had our girls nights on our own. When I fell pregnant with my youngest she became really distant, stopped inviting me to come over (obviously I couldn't drink), stopped days out with kids, always cancelled plans on me and it was all very one sided with me making the effort to make plans which she would cancel. She's seen my youngest twice even thought we live close.
I feel she just isn't interested because she is past the baby stage which is fine but even when I try to make plans just the 2 of us, as I really miss our girly time she cancels this too.
I've gotten fed up and started putting in the same amount of effort that she does which means things have drifted even further.
I feel really sad as I also miss her child too. I also feel a bit angry and don't know how or if I should broach the subject with her or accept that she just can't be bothered with a friend in a diffrent life stage even though I try to make effort without kids in tow.
The thing that makes it more difficult is she is my Husbands cousin, its how I met him so don't want things to be awkward at family events even though it's already starting to feel awkward now.

Thank you if you have read this far ❤️
Any advice appreciated xx

Did she perhaps want more than one child? Could that explain her distancing herself from you?

As the pp said, could she be jealous/bitter that you had a second child?

I should have added that sorry, she has always been one and done and never wanted anymore so it's not that. I struggled to conceive with my second and she knows how hard it was for us. She always makes comments like oh I'm so glad I'm past that stage, I would never do that again which hurts but I brush it off as know she's really not interested in baby's.

No need to fall out but I would definitely distance myself. You can still be polite at family gatherings but I would cultivate new friendships. Sometimes friendships just run their course.

I think I know I know this deep down but just haven't wanted to admit it 😞we have been like sisters the last 20 years until this so finding it tough the thought of losing that close female friendship but also that I need to accept it maybe already is lost.

I confess that I withdrew from a close friend when she had another baby after a huge gap just as our older kids were reaching high school age and I was regaining some of my freedom. I felt we had less in common (she talked about breastfeeding - a lot) and couldn't/didn't want to do many of the things I'd been looking forward to so I sought the company of friends in a similar position to myself. I certainly wasn't jealous as the last thing I wanted was to go back to the baby stage, I thought she was quite mad actually!

She already had two older children and I felt her reasons for wanting another were quite selfish as it wasn't ideal due to her age, health, financial situation and her other kids but she went ahead regardless and then moaned when issues arose and sought sympathy which did irritate me somewhat. This doesn't seem to be the case with you so I guess it's purely because you are now at different life stages.

I'm sure you'll find some new friends amongst mums with little ones your baby's age and perhaps your friend will come back to you in the future.

I've been drifting away from some of my friends who have second babies and my oldest is only 3. I am one and done through choice so no jealousy here.

It gets frustrating having to only plan baby-friendly activities around a baby's schedule. And having to watch the older kids because your friend is occupied with the baby. Even adult only meet-ups often end up having to be scheduled around the baby. And people with babies always seem to want to vent about boring practical drudgery and babies just don’t do much interesting stuff compared to older kids.

If you can hand on heart say that your second child doesn't impact on your friend at all even in these minor ways, then you're not unreasonable to be upset. But sometimes friendships can't overcome being in such truly different life stages.

Thank you ladies for your honest replies it's helpfull to see it from that side. I genuinely don't think my baby impacts our relationship, I've purposely tried to arrange things just the two of us for that reason. I don't harp on about the baby when we message unless she asks about them, which isn't often. I actually ask after her new dog more than she does the baby 😭
I have a supportive husband who is always here at weekends so really not an issue for me to go have some girls time but she's just not interested.
Maybe she just thinks we don't have anything in common anymore, she thought I was one and done too as did I due to fertility issues, not through choice for me.
I guess I just thought our friendship was stronger than this

We had arranged to meet today, just the two of us. I hadn't heard from her all week , I messged her and again she has cancelled with an excuse.
I think that's my answer, I'm done reaching out and getting nothing in return. It hurts because our older children have been raised like cousins and it means they are losing out too.

it is so sad, I really do understand why you are upset. I’m a real keeper of friends and find it so hard to let people go but at life goes by I realise some people are only meant to be in your life for a season sadly x

Have you openly asked her though? It’s your friend fit 20 yard - have you communicated?

I'd assume it's because the dynamic has changed which is understandable. No need to ditch you of course, but things will be different now with a baby