Feeling undermined

[ItsFreedomBabyYeah]

HI

I moved abroad a while back. My parents were discussing visiting us after Christmas/New Year, but due to various logistics etc, they decided not to. It was their choice. They then discussed that they would visit us sometime next year. Not a problem.

Due to not expecting visitors, DH and I then look at going on a short trip beginning of December.

My mother then messages me to say they are now looking at visiting at the beginning of December and she wants to book flights immediately. I tell her DH and I may be going on a trip during that time and I cannot confirm if its suitable and I will let her know. She again messages me the next day wanting to book flights and again I repeat the above - "I don't know yet, as we are looking to attend a concert and a sporting event". I tell her I will let her know when we know.

She then messages DH and asks him if we are "going to be around in early December". DH, not thinking, says yes. So she then goes and books flights. I get a message from her telling me how excited they are to be coming. I reply, saying "still not sure if we are going to be here, as we were planning said trip". She replies saying "Oh I asked DH and he said it was ok".

I was furious. I say to DH "so we aren't going on our trip then" and DH says "I'm not sure, still looking at tickets for concert and sporting event". And I say "Well, parents have booked to visit during that time and YOU apparently said it was ok".

As much as I love my parents, I feel like my mum deliberately tried to undermine me, when she wasn't getting the response she wanted from me. When she messaged DH, we were having a party and DH was inebriated so he doesn't even remember her message, let alone telling her it was ok to come.

This is my mother to a tea, sneaky, sly, duplicitous. AIBU to be annoyed? FWIW, we can't go on our trip now....

Just keep telling her you won't be home. Book the trip.

Well tell her where you'll leave the keys for her.

I'd be very annoyed and tell her it wasn't convenient (again) I'd also be very annoyed with DH though for saying it's ok. 50/50 between them.

Can your trip/tickets be achieved at a different time?

Had you not booked because you weren’t sure, or because you hadn’t managed to get tickets yet?

But you didn't arrange anything. If you want to see her then do so, if you don't then tell her.

The schedule for the sporting event hadn't quite been released - we were waiting for that. It was due to be released about 6 days after mother had wanted to book, which I told her. She just couldn't wait that long!

Dont give in to your Mum, she tried to play you, so if you give in She will do it again and again.

Im sorry Mum, I dont know why you texted DH when I had already said you shouldnt book flights yet. We arent going to be home, so you should call and see if you can cancel the flights, or change them to another time when we will be around to host you.

If you are feeling brave, then add the question…were you deliberately trying to undermine me when you texted DH, because thats what it feels like to me

That was my first reaction! I had wanted to tell her she'd have to book a hotel in "capital city" as we won't be available to drive 2 hours to pick them up from major airport. DH is far softer than I, as it seems

She does it all the time, unfortunately. Undermines me. Its done now, they are booked and visiting. I'm glad to see them, but I am pissed about the manner in which they are coming, its put a small stain on the visit.

I wish I could do that! We live in a gated community, where visitors must be signed in. They are coming now, but as the visit draws closer, I feel myself feeling more and more annoyed and I'm not sure if I'm just being nasty or being a bitch by feeling she manipulated the situation.

I'm not sure why you're letting her get away with it - she has got her own way, ignored your request and gone behind your back.

Are you not booking your trip now? It's her problem if you're not there.

You are right, we didn't arrange anything. But we didn't get the chance to! As her needing to book flights immediately trumped any plans we might have had. I'm glad to see them, but just a bit annoyed about the manner in which she went about it.

I would book the event and tell dh if he wants to come he can explain to parents or stay and entertain them

This is the best response imo

@ItsFreedomBabyYeah

you're not being a bitch. You told her to wait, she went behind your back to ask DH.

can you arrange to leave keys where you'd sign them in explaining the situation?

if not tell her you won't be back until x date and she'll need to book a hotel until then.

'they're coming now'. That's a them problem. If you can still get tickets for the events, book them & go. It'll stop her doing it again!

Thanks for clarifying.

You seem resigned to not attending, which is fair enough. I’d probably suck it up as well, now it’s done. You’re absolutely not being mean. Your husband hasn’t had a lifetime of dealing with her manipulative behaviour, so he is likely to be softer than you towards it. I hope that, if you said you wanted to go anyway, that he would back you up. You need him to have your back.

If it was something I’d really set my heart on though, some kind of really important and unrepeatable trip, I’d be inclined to put my foot down. I think at some point, you will have to do so, perhaps when she’s done something slightly less expensive than buying plane tickets? She won’t stop doing it until she realises you mean what you say. Give it some thought.