Rubbish Christmases as a kid

[Dontknowwhattodo223]

Did anyone else have crap Christmases as a kid and now doesn't really like it as an adult? I would like to like Christmases more but literally don't have any fond memories of childhood Christmases and quite the opposite kind of memories really.

My parents were also divorced OP and I probably have a similar kind of PTSD about the experience. Not that they didn’t make the effort, but just that I have always ended up feeling guilty and letting someone down!

I do enjoy Christmas now and make it nice for my DC - but, still a saga about which parent I’ll be seeing, even as an adult. Crazy really.

i grew up in a very abusive alcoholic household.
We would wake up and do presents, stepdad would go pub when it opened and then It used to close around 3pm back then, we would have Christmas dinner and my presents would normally be binned or smashed up by 6/7pm.

I hated Christmas until I had children, in fact if you can afford it I would say to go away.

however now I have children I love it and go all out- elves, Christmas Eve boxes, panto, Santa visits, matching pjs the lot. I’m trying to give them everything I didn’t have and if I’m being honest I’m a little envious no one ever made any event as special for me as a child x

Is there anything you could do to make it magical for yourself as an adult, OP? You’ll always have to acknowledge the sadness that you felt as a child, but maybe you can establish some lovely traditions for yourself that will slowly start to make happier memories? How about trying to treat yourself as a beloved and cherished person at Christmas? Cook your favourite food (or better yet, do what I always do when alone for a holiday, and let Marks and Spencer do the cooking for you!). Watch a new movie you’ve been wanting to see. Order a couple of good books. Buy yourself some cosy, comfy new pyjamas and stay in them all day. Stock up on some of your favourite snacks. Arrange to have a quick FaceTime chat with good friends. Do things that you will enjoy, and try to make Christmas day special for yourself, because you deserve it.

This is great advice.
or have you thought about volunteering on the day? I think there is so much joy to be had in helping others and the community.

DH didn't hate Christmas, but didn't understand my love for it. He had a neglectful childhood with a mother who loved them, but drank. He remembers being kicked out of the house with his brother on Christmas eve, and having to walk to a relatives house (a good few miles away, in a different village) when they were about 6 and 7. They lived in a fairly rural area so it would have been pitch black and freezing and dangerous (there's rivers and steep mountain edges between). He looks back and is horrified.

Mine is sort of a reverse situation. We had lovely Christmases when I was a young child: lovely, thoughtful stockings, big traditional tree, great presents wrapped immaculately with the big sets (like a doll's house) all set up underneath the wrapping, the best food imaginable. As soon as we were older it was clear how much pressure and work went into it, and the pressure rubbed off on us as teenagers a bit and it was all a bit more tense.

Now, my own children are disabled and the big Christmas just made everyone upset. We spend Christmas day just with our children doing whatever we want. For years we couldn't even have a tree. This makes us so happy, I love Christmas.

I second PP's advice of making it special to yourself. That doesn't have to mean traditional but treating yourself in the way that sadly no one did when you were a child.

Oh also a warning that trying to make things too perfect can (in some situations) backfire. The perfect Christmases when I was 5 or 6 were waayyy too pressured at 13 years old.

I had really shit xmasses as a kid. I would get a couple of my brothers old toys while they had bikes and new toys, then I was made to clean and help cook so I knew my place as a woman and how xmas would be forever for me.

I go all out for my kids now, and make sure its all equal between them, decorate the house beautifully, and do the whole santa thing even though some of my dc are adults now. We usually have a BBQ, save on all the slaving at a cooker for hours and hours as well.

I do sometimes get a tinge of sadness when I look at my kids and think what I could have been without the abuse and neglect , but I'm so happy I pulled myself out and my dc are thriving.

You have basically described me lol

Rubbish christmases as a child so very determined to make them special for my kids. We dont even eat turkey because my son's birthday is on Christmas Day so we let him choose the food- last year we had pizza and it was glorious.

I cant describe how liberating it is doing what we want and enjoying it - its fab

My mother is a narc and my father an enabler

Every single christmas was both stone cold sober,but with her looking for the smallest excuse to kick off

She has no emotional intelligence at all (another trait of a narc) so all our presents would be what she wanted us to have,rather than what we where into/wanted

Anything less than 110% excitement and gratitude and she'd kick off (I remember the year my brothers got top-of-the range mountain bikes and I got a second hand,falling apart vanity case-because I wasn't over the top with my 'thank yous,I love it',I got screamed at by both parents and slapped senseless-she put it on the bonfire a month later along with all my clothes)

If we performed to her liking,she'd go looking for something to kick off about-and believe me,she'd find something-cue tons of screaming and shouting for hours-she threatened to kill herself more than once

Then,along came dinner-her choice of meat (one Christmas we had duck,another rabbit and another venison-ugh) and 5/6 over boiled,totally tasteless veg and a pint of gravy dumped over the top-no preferences where tolerated-you ate what you where given,no going hungry-you'd be force fed if you didn't eat it-we'd be covered in bruises over that one meal

Rest of the day would be on tenterhooks,just waiting for her to kick off again (which she would) and then bedtime

You'd hear her telling my father what a lovely time we'd had and how much hard work it had been for her-him agreeing even though he had spent the whole day tip-toeing around her

Ditto boxing day (one year I was attacked by the whole family with a carving knife)

I fucking hate Christmas but it is a bit better now I'm nc with the whole lot of them

My angel of a mil and dp make it special-im loved,I'm appreciated and most of all,I'm safe

Similar to me. I do the same with their birthdays, too.

My dad would ruin most Christmases. He would take forever to get out of bed and then just sit in the chair not partaking or engaging with us whilst we opened our presents. My mum never said anything and just put up with his sulks. My mum would always try to make an effort of a dinner or the tree etc but it was kind of muted. My dad just wouldn't offer any emotion except sulking and ignoring us all. As an adult I've never spent it with him. He now moans about spending it with his MIL and his step son and their kids and saying "it's all too much" bla bla. They've now started going away over Christmas day itself, absolutely fine by me. In hindsight I think he was depressed and I get the impression his own father was quite cold emotionally. I don't spend Christmas as an adult with my mum either. My step father just puts the TV on all day and it's as dull as dishwater. My DH in the early days of our relationship asked why I wanted to do every Christmas with his family. I've fed him snippets over the years but I don't think he will truly ever understand. It's only as an adult I feel low about Christmas, I don't think I noticed as much as a child about the situation we had.

I try not to overcompensate with my kids. We usually do the Santa round the village and walk around seeing lights etc. I know some people do the whole hog of visiting Santa and something every weekend in the run up. I pay attention to detail and throughout the festive period tell them how much I love spending time with them doing the Christmas things that we do.

Looking back and trying to remember family Christmases, I have partial memories. Parents divorced when I was 12, it wasn't a nice household and I think my brain has blocked most of it out to protect me.
I love christmas though and make it as special as we can for our children.

I have always made Christmas fabulous for my children but for the child in me I have done stuff too. I buy myself a gift and always go to M&S on Christmas Eve and buy a pudding for myself that I have when the kids are in bed.

Last Christmas was different as first one since I split with my husband. Kids went to MIL for a few hours but this year I'm divorced and hopefully will be in my new home with my dc visiting as they are in their own place or at university.

OMG @Ladyofthetramp we've got the same mother.
It’s taken me decades to realise my mother was a narcissist. Every Christmas was a stressful, miserable mess but the year I really, really liked the gift an aunt had given me and hers was edged out WW3 broke out. 7 year old me realised there and then the pantomime of profuse thanks and gratitude I had to put on the following and every year.
But then a couple of years earlier my Christmas dress caught fire as I was sitting too close to the fire. I mean who needs a fire guard! Apparently a nylon dress melting onto my legs was entirely my fault. 🤦‍♀️
And….. my parents were allowed to be foster parents. Beggars belief.

My mum is bipolar and used to get hyped up from all the shopping etc. I didn’t understand it at the time but that made me very anxious. I started getting insomnia as a kid around Christmas. First time I was awake literally all night desperate to go to sleep was on Christmas Eve when I was about ten. I then got diagnosed with atypical bipolar at sixteen. On meds now but I still have to be really careful around Christmas because it really sets me off. I try to keep it as low key as possible but usually get really wound up and tense in the run up to it and then depressed on the day and for a while afterwards. Having to visit family usually tips me over.

I loved Christmas morning as a kid, we always had a nice tree and the excitement of the morning, etc. we always got lovely things.

However later in the day was a nightmare because my mum was such a bloody martyr when it came to Christmas dinner. From about 9am she’d be huddled away in the kitchen getting stressed, screaming, clanging pans and going OTT over the dinner that no one was really too arsed about. We’d rather she have been more chilled and done something simple. She’d then serve it up and moan that we weren’t appreciative enough of all her efforts and heaven forbid you disliked something, she’d be furious and call us rude. It was awful, and it’s the reason I buy everything prepared from M&S and bung it in the oven

When I first met MIL and went to hers for Xmas, she was serving prawn cocktail, which I don’t like. DH knew this and said “Oh mum Evils doesn’t like prawn cocktail” and I nearly had a heart attack. MIL said it was fine and found a tin of tomato soup to make me, no fuss or moaning. I couldn’t believe it! That would have made my own mum cry, even now.

My childhood Christmases were mixed. We got tons of presents but never got anything new all year, including clothes, so it was overwhelming.

My mum always got stressed about cooking or something and would lose her temper.

My kids had lovely Christmases up until their dad left a few years ago. Now I think we all feel a bit broken on occasions and everything feels forced.

I'm so sad how our lives turned out because his dick got wanderlust.

It was mixed.

I loved the build-up in primary school - concert practice, making decorations, music. I loved seeing my wonderful grandmothers and aunts during the week before, they all enjoyed Christmas and made a fuss of me with presents and chocolates. As a teen I loved the social side with school friends - parties, present swapping, a film on the last day of school instead of lessons, a few sneaky wines in the local sixth form hang out.

My adoptive mother was a nasty piece of work however, and Christmas Eve/Day would often be marked by one of her screechy tantrums, sometimes I’d get a slap although this stopped when I was about thirteen and made it clear that I would retaliate in kind next time. She would buy thoughtful presents and lovely foods - credit where credit’s due - but Dad or I would say the wrong thing inadvertently and she’d explode, saying that she wished she lived on her own. She was verbally abusive to me for the entirety of my childhood, I disliked her and I avoided her where possible but on Christmas Eve and Day there was nowhere to escape to because my friends were with their families.

So every year I loved the build up but 24th and 25th were let downs.

Mine where foster parents too!
Amazing how they an hoodwink the social and they only did it for the praise
They certainly didn't do it for the kids-they both hated them!
Sending hugs and hope you have a lovely time this year

@Ladyofthetramp I’ve often wondered just how they got to be registered and then had a child placed long term with them. Some of the things my mother did weren’t kind but some were downright dangerous. As you say they did it for the praise.

They are very charming
I've watched her at work,laying on what a good person she is
I'm normally stood (or used to-im now nc) with my jaw flapping

This is exactly what I was going to post! Christmas was stressful in our house as a child, it could be OK, it could be shit. You never knew which way it would go, I would get very anxious.

I'm 56 and to my shame I still get anxious about Christmas.