STBX didn’t stand up for me infront of his family

[Lovelytomeetyou]

Would you stay with a partner/husband who didn’t stand up for you in front of his family?

To give you a short version of an extended story, husband and I got into an argument that his brother in law and sister walked into after a while.

Brother in law then goes ballistic on me over some perceived insult (he is a hot tempered patriarchal misogynistic man!) and started yelling and intimidating me. There were three other members of the family ( ex husband, mother in law and sister in law) who just sat there and watched as I defended myself. Not one of them stepped up to stop him terrorising me!

It was quite dehumanising the way he addressed me and I still to this day have flashbacks of him yelling at me and reducing me to tears. I walked out of that house and filed for divorce.

To provide a bit more context, our marriage of 16+ years has been a tumultuous one with ex having been condescending and emotionally abusive to me. I tried to leave many times, but stayed for the kids and financial stability.

AIBU in leaving him for not standing up for me when another member of his family was verbally being aggressive and intimidating to me?

If he's already your ex-husband, why are you entertaining this? You have the right to leave someone who is not enriching your life; justification is not required.

I mean my Dp wouldn’t have it.

But then our relationship is good. And we wouldn’t be having a prolonged argument where other people were around.

You are actually asking ‘If you husband is shit your marriage is shit and on the verge of breaking down and your husband doesn’t really like you, would he stand up for you’

I would imagine most people would answer ‘no in that situation he probably wouldn’t’

Everyone who ends a marriage has that one thing that tips them over the edge. This was yours.

You don't need a reason to leave someone. If it's not working for you and they aren't enriching your life in the way you need it to then you leave.

But to answer your question, there's no way my dh would let anyone talk to me like your BIL did to you.

@Wednesdaysdrag Stbex is still wanting to reconcile and trying hard to hoover me back into the marriage. Very soon after the incident, he came to pick me up at my mum’s place in tears saying he could never live without me.

Divorce is yet to be finalised and he is hoping against all odds that I would retract it. Everyone I know is siding with him as he has a good public image, and hoping I will somehow reunite with him.

There has been no apologies, only justification as to why BIL reacted the way he did. I wouldn’t let anyone talk to a girl/lady on the bus that way, not least a member of my family.

Someone said to me I shouldn’t ruin my own family over a silly fight with a brother in law! That got to me..

Someone said to me I shouldn’t ruin my own family over a silly fight with a brother in law! That got to me..

But it's not the 'silly fight' (as they call it) that's got to you. And it wasn't silly if he was screaming in your face. It's the fact that they all, but especially ex, did nothing.

Next time he turns on the crocodile tears tell him he'll just have to learn to live without you. He's missed his chances to show that he cares about you at all and he should have thought of that earlier.

@Gymnopedie Thank you. He’s been trying to guilt trip me into coming back. Especially saying the kids lives are now ruined because I’m divorcing him. It wasn’t a healthy marriage to start with and the incident with the BIL was just the tip of the iceberg.

There’s a part of me wondering why he didn’t stand up for me although I don’t ever want to go back where I am not respected.

You said your BIL screamed at you. Was it an argument with your BIL?
Have you also asked your husband why he did not stand up for you? That will be my starting point.

Personally my view is divorce is a stretch too far for an argument unless it was a very physical or violent one. In that case divorce is the safer option. If you say he was in tears did you ask him if he had anything to say? Did he just freeze or was he enjoying when you were being screamed at? If he was doing the latter then he does not love you? Has there been an opportunity to lay it on the table and see if he apologises? You give him a chance to come clean and if he apologises, then that’s a sign of his remorse.

When you say he is trying to hoover you back, is that actually him trying to talk to you. Men are funny creatures. They can never express themselves and when they do, it’s not always to the point. I will definitely give him a chance but maybe make it clear to him that you will not socialise with his family.

I live with my DH and we both choose whether to have meals out or visits with either sides of our family as both the sides of the in laws don’t get along. No dramas. You don’t need to go back to his family. Simple as that.

I have seen my friend’s marriage fall apart because of an argument and they later wished they never divorced as they both loved each other but never wanted to say sorry. It was painful to watch them suffer when a sorry could have sorted it all out.

Challenging myself to respond before my toast is done.
Agree with @AwkwardFlamingo
Divorce seems extreme for an argument with your BIL. Men don’t cry unless they have deep feelings for what they value. He probably is sorry but has not told you yet.

My response is No BIL. No Divorce. Don’t let the sun go down on your argument.
Toast ready 🍞

"Men don’t cry unless they have deep feelings for what they value." Seriously!? Many men will manipulate in whatever way they can (anger, tears, guilt, violence, threaten suicide) to satisfy their own selfish needs. And I imagine when the tears don't work OP's husband will deploy the rest of the above behaviours too.

OP your relationship doesn't sound healthy, argument aside, so enjoy your freedom from this man and his awful family.

Men do cry when they want to be manipulative. So don't pay any attention to the crying as a sign of deep feelings.

In reality it's immaterial how he feels its how you feel that matters. It sounds like you've been deeply unhappy for a long time and this incident was the cherry on the crap cake that brought it all into sharp focus (think Shirley Valentine and the egg and chips incident 😂).

If that's the case, take it as a sign that things won't change and you're doing the right thing in going ahead with the divorce. Do you really want to live your life unhappy and surrounded by these muppets?

You've taken the hardest step, just keep going. Your kids lives won't be ruined. You haven't destroyed a family. You are making positive choices for yourself to remove your life from people who make you deeply unhappy.

Keep going, it sounds like you're on the right path

I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg. If this was the only thing I would be deeply upset and consider leaving. But it sounds like there's a whole lot more.
Ignore the PP saying that men cry when they are truely sorry. Many people cried just to manipulate.

Men do cry and it can be phoney or real. Hard to tell as everyone is unique and I don’t want to jump to conclusions about OPs husband.

Divorce has a negative effect on the kids. People who advocate for divorce usually say kids are resilient but there is now enough research and evidence to prove that though they are resilient they only just get by. They end up having deep rooted feelings of resentment towards one or Both parents.

I was a CAMHS support worker for many many years and most kids who turned up had a sense of rejection and resentment towards the parent who cried divorce. We as a society has started to brush this topic under the rug as it is inconvenient to address kids feelings during divorce. That’s why I welcome child inclusive mediation.

This is because research and case studies have showed that kids do not have a say in a divorce and they are the ones who have to live and adjust when the adults fight it out. Having worked in CAMHS I will never put my kids through a divorce unless it’s physically violent relationship. I am a feminist too in case you want to judge me.

I think that there’s a lot of research showing that children are psychologically harmed by growing up in an unhappy unhealthy environment where their mother is subjected to abuse by their father. That’s why domestic abuse is considered also emotional abuse in safeguarding terms.

I think you needed validation or a catalyst for whatever you had already realised about the marriage and the incident with your BIL acted as that. If it wasn’t that it would have been something else.

@Lovelytomeetyou please don't pay any attention to this post.

It's manipulative and doesn't take into account your mental health or wellbeing, which sounds like it has suffered over the course of many years.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, not one person to suffer and enable the poor behaviour of the other. If he cannot make sufficient effort to try to make the marriage actually work, other than emotionally blackmailing you, then it's not all on your shoulders to make it work.

You haven't been the one to fail, he has by not acting on the needs of the marriage.

You do not have to stay in a relationship that is making you deeply unhappy and is potentially emotionally abusive.

Children can thrive in separated households. As long as the parents are mindful of their needs and don't play games/introduce new partners too early.

Also, be mindful of so called experts on here 😉

Throwing baby out of the bath water.
Many issues here least of what we need to consider is if men cry or not and if they are real or not.
As @HunsandRoses says it takes two people to be in a marriage and it also takes two people to start an argument. Perceived insult or not still means either the OP or the Ex was initiating the insult.
Truth of the matter is, despite the experts or no experts divorce is tough for children. Imagine one of us being told that we can sleep x days in one house and y days in another. Adults find it hard to adjust so why should the kids find it easy. Not to mention that there will be a constant race to win their love. One parent making bank handed remarks or comments and the other.
one parent buying goodies based on affordability and then it becomes a constant race. It does confuse a child a lot.

Crux of the matter however is have you and your husband had an open and honest conversation.

If he is verbally abusive or violent or threatened suicide you have to leave. If he is abusive to you in front of your children, you have to leave. If you have sought counselling to address your issues and if he has not relented you have to leave but whatever you do, don’t do it at the back of an argument.

This.
And stand up for yourself!

Please don't doubt yourself and your bravery.

Forget his crocodile tears.
He doesn't love you but clearly it suits him to be married to you and abuse you.

Now you are divorced you will NEVER have to be near his awful family again.

Tell that loser Ex all future contact is via email regarding the children.

Stop engaging with him.
Actions have consequences and HIS behaviour has caused the marriage to end.

Be clear that you no longer love nor even like him and it really is over.

Well done for your bravery and getting rid.
You are a great example to your children, remember that.

Thank you to all who commented. I forgot to add that I was referred to Women’s Aid by the GP two years ago because of the emotional and financial abuse I had disclosed. I am under intense therapy with the NHS for trauma management (I’ve known him since I was 16, he’s nearly a decade older and one of the DV counsellors believe I was groomed into the marriage)

So there is a lot more to the story. It hasn’t been just that incident that tipped me over, to clarify.

Like all the naysayers on here, I thought divorce wasn’t the answer until he drove me to a point of no return.

My kids have seen me in such a state and it feels like I am letting them down not by divorcing but by staying in the marriage. They do love their Dad however and he is a good dad ( at least for the time being!)

I would rather they have two loving parents living separately then two warring parents living in the same household.

Split up with your exH by all means if he's not right for you. Don't split up "just because" of BIL.
If that's the last straw fair enough

You are doing so well @Lovelytomeetyou

It sounds like you have 100% made the right decision. Just keep going and building that safe space for your children. Your lives will be so much better.

You've got this 💪 💐

@BPR @HunsandRoses ❤️ Thank you for your kind words

For 16+ years I dillydallied around whether I should leave him or not and only put up with everything for the sake of the kids.

What the BIL did just cemented my decision. It’s not just abuse I stood upto, its ingrained misogyny, generational patterns of male entitlement and the rest… The BIL, FIL and my ex are just like each other. Men who are so entitled they demand to be treated like God. I shudder to think my 12 year old might model these behaviours and start acting like these entitled men when he is grown up.

And for those curious to know what riled BIL so much - I was just exposing all ex’s 16 years of covert mistreatment of me to MIL when she texted SIL and BIL to come in as reinforcement!

I said to SIL plainly if when her own daughter came and complained to her one day of her partners mistreatment, never to send her back and to keep her from returning. THIS really was all!

Hotheaded BIL only heard his daughter being mentioned and not much else and said to me

“how dare you drag my daughter into this”,
”you don’t know who I am”

etc etc all bellowing down at me.
The he went on berate and demean my family. Etc etc

To be fair, when he suddenly started shouting, everyone was too shocked for words! He is known to be a hotheaded fool that everyone walks on eggshells around..

He has abused you for years clearly.
Well done for taking the therapy.

He is a very bad man.
You are modelling a great parent by going through with this divorce.
Don't pay any attention to posters who encourage women on this site to tolerate shit behaviour from vile men.

He is vile.
Your children will be much much better off with a safe happy mother.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.