To think my life could have been different if I’d had more confidence?

[Angelasagoat]

So I’ve never achieved anything. I started out with promise. I have ten GCSE’s grades A*-B. I have three A-levels at A grade. I have a 2:1 from an ok university (didn’t apply for more ‘prestigious’ ones because I expected to fail my exams). However I would describe myself as ‘stupid.’ I think exams are a test of memory and not much else.

Since leaving university 20 years ago I’ve done nothing of any note and I stayed home when my children were little. I have a long term chronic illness but so what? It’s no excuse for not achieving anything.

My university peers have all done very well. One of my closest friends from uni is now applying for director levels jobs. My other friend said how well she’d done and then said ‘it’s funny, at university we always thought you’d achieve the most because you worked hard and were so clever.’
And it sort of pulled me up - because I expected from university to never achieve anything. I expected to fail. I applied for lower level jobs and have never applied for promotions because I am too stupid to get them. I’m exactly where I thought id be. Total failure.

And then I thought I wonder where I’d have been if I’d had even an iota of confidence? I think other people are wrong if they tell me I’m not stupid or I am competent or valued because I don’t see it. I would say I am a stupid worthless failure.

must be nice to not feel like that.

Sounds like someone (teacher, parents?) did a number on you. You're bright and capable.

The best thing you can do is to always have a comparator. Choose the idiot in the office, the most incompetent person who annoys you but is ahead of you and think if they can do it so can I! It's amazing how many incompetent people get very far. And you're competent, just think what you can do!

How sad. You should look into the self fulfilling prophecy

You can do work on your self esteem and sense of self but that requires undoing whatever the people who destroyed them did. Parent / teacher someone did a number on you.

I don't understand why you thought you were stupid...

You should read the Midnight Library by Matt Haig.

Yes definitely. Self confidence breeds success. On the flip side are women like me who did well enough in a career but feel like I failed to start a family in time. You have something that others don’t.

It sounds to me like you've achieved a lot.

Job title and money are one type of achievement, not the be all and end all.

Someone's in your head. Working out who is a start.

And then, remember that raising your children is creating life. It's not unimportant. DD is the best person in the world so if I made her, I earned my place on this rock.

You sound like a very competent person OP but without any self worth. Have you thought about counselling to address these issues?

What does your partner think of you? Are you a good mother? I would say having happy and healthy children is the most important thing any mother can do. I've achieved many things in my careers but my greatest achievement is my children and it's the most important job I'll ever do. I hope one day you can feel the same way. Hugs OP

Is there something that you want to be doing or do you just feel like you “should” be achieving more career wise?

You clearly achieved a lot academically and stupid people do not do that. Your post is also very negative about yourself and having not pushed youself for promotions youve not tested whether you are clever enough/ competent for the promotions. So, based on your post, I'd say that those who tell you you're not stupid and are competent are probably right! You should listen to them.

Could it be that you're very unhappy with where you are and it's making you depressed and unable to view things objectively? If a friend came to you saying she has a 2:1, is raising her kids and holding down a job at the same time but feels shes too stupid to do anything 'more' and hasnt worked hard, would you think she was right?

It sounds like you are capable of SHITE LOADS more but by your own admission haven't had the confidence. Stop calling yourself stupid - you're not and sating so will keep eroding your confidence. Go for the promotions - what is the worst that could happen? You don't get it and are no worse off - but what if you do get it...?

It doesn’t really matter what other people think of me because if it’s bad I completely agree and if it’s good I pay it no heed because they are wrong.

My children are great, but that’s down to them. I don’t believe I am responsible for how they are and I have no expectation that they will stay in touch with me or anything.
If they are good people that’s on them, in the same way that my being a failure is not on my parents.

My friends have managed to raise high achieving good kids and have careers.

As a 55 year old with dyslexia, potential adhd and zero qualifications I understand exactly what you are feeling but your background has everything I don't!
I'm now running my own successful business started with a Covid bounce back loan. If I can do that you can too.

I would suggest career counselling to give you a structure and help with CV's, potentially some refresher training and probably a new job where you can start anew.

If that's actually what you want.

Why wouldn't you expect your children to stay in touch with you?

Our parents have everything to do with who we are and how we turn out either because of them or in spite of them. They lay the very foundations of our sense of self through what they say and the opportunities they offer us.

I would predict that your parents valued education, you had books/taken to the library, a desk and writing materials. I also predict they had very high / unbelievably high expectations and criticised you if you didn't meet them.

Someone has planted or encouraged this self depreciation OP.

You patently obviously are far from stupid - you passed all those exams. Stupid people don't retain the knowledge to pass.

What a pity. Self conduct would probably have made all the difference.

Still, it's never too late - unless you're retired and even then you can contribute by using your abilities.

Have you by any chance got a Celtic mother? Mine did a hell of a number on me and it’s by no means an isolated thing! Perfect = the only thing worth anything. Anything less is a failure?

I compare to other people occasionally, and confidence would certainly have improved things but a lot of my limiting things were choices. I went part time after kids, didn’t move jobs, married someone who values family over ambition etc. You need to start understanding that your choices created your life, and will continue to do so.

Overall I know that I could have a jazzier career and a nicer house. But I also have a lovely husband and well adjusted kids, have enough money for holidays etc. Count your blessings as well as your regrets. And maybe get counselling to see where all this is coming from.

I think that's probably true of most people.

Myself included.

I've done ok, but could have done so much better.

The flipside to that is those with very little ability or intelligence doing very well because they are hugely confident.

You don't want to be like that either. But yes, somewhere in the middle would be good.

Do you think you could build some confidence?

Sometimes it could be as simple as saying "fuck this, I could do that job" and putting yourself forward with a new frame of mind.

Stop looking at your failures and start searching out your achievements instead. Get in the habit each night of identifying what you’re most proud of that day. Instead of that critical voice in your head - give him the boot - appoint an internal spin doctor who puts a positive spin on evefrythin. At first it will feel artificial, but eventually you’ll believe him.

youve git an awful lot of life ahead of you, so enjoy it