Teacher hasn't mentioned bullying

[ConfusedMummy12]

Son started school 6 weeks ago and has really struggled with his emotions...at first anxiety about the separation from home and then as that passed he's been lashing out at teachers and kids.
Was a surprise to me as he's normally not like that (I mean he has his moments of high emotions but they dissipate quickly with a listening ear to help him and prior to school starting he's never hit us).

Teacher has kept me at the gate at least twice a week with reports of his behaviour and we've had a couple of long meetings about what we can do at home to make his life easier at school. So we've been working on emotions and playdates over half term.

On playdates I observed how often he was being teased by certain kids re not being able to do something they could do (he has a disability affecting his fine motor skills). Most of the time we parents were in earshot and nipped it in the bud, the one time we were a bit slower to intervene it escalated very quickly to them shouting to him "baby" and "lazy" over and over, he kept saying to stop as it wasn't kind, and eventually hit. We then got there and spoke to all the kids, about not hitting but also not calling each other names.

Thing is, give these kids were doing it every time we met over half term, I'm 99.9% sure they say stuff to him at school too.

AIBU to be concerned that this hasn't been mentioned (probably gone unnoticed?) by any of his teachers. Like they're only seeing, or sharing, one side of the story?
For context it's a class of 9 kids, there is usually one adult but quite often two, and the room is quite small, so I'd be surprised if I got the "we can't listen to conversations between them all the time" as an answer.

Like, okay he shouldn't hit, and we've been working on that, but given he's never hit before school started, to me it shows he's getting really disregulated over something and there isn't someone around to help him through...am I expecting too much?

I think you need to share your 'findings' with the staff and ask if they've noticed the other kids teasing him.

Do make it clear that you're not using it as an excuse and that you're working on the hitting, but you want to know if they're working on the provocation too.

class of 9 kids? that's unusually small. Will the class size increase?

It's a small village school...but all the other years are combined so next year he'll be in year 1&2 with more kids in the class

Yeh this is what I plan to do.
But I'm just feeling really disappointed they aren't doing this already and looking for the reasons behind his behaviour.

they might be talking to the parents of the other children too without telling you. But yes I would raise it to school, without mentioning the other children's names unless school specifically ask them

They aren't - their parents specifically said they haven't been told anything

well, even more reason to talk the school. YANBU

Speaking as a teacher - it’s rarely if ever bullying in reception.
For it to be bullying it has to be on purpose and happening consistently usually with some sort of power imbalance, whether that is age/size/ability/popularity etc.
In reception children are learning how to have relationships. Yes they can be mean but that is most often just them saying it as they see it they haven’t got any filters yet - they usually aren’t trying to be hurtful.
Absolutely go in and speak to the teachers as you could very well be right, just because something is rare doesn’t mean it never happens, but equally be prepared to be told this is age appropriate behaviour.

Thanks for this perspective. Yes I was surprised to hear it from 4/5 year olds and assumed I wouldn't have to think about bullying for years ..so I'm glad I wasn't just being naiive.

The child who was teasing my son in the playground has been goaded n the same fashion by older children in his apartment building, so (whilst it wasn't on purpose) he was definitely getting in his face and saying things that are mean and upsetting because that's what has been done to him. The other child is his friend and was just joining in. The first child has been spoken to by his mum several times about not doing things to others we don't like being done to ourselves but hasn't stopped and keeps needing reminding, which is why I'm surprised noone at school has noticed (I think it's age appropriate that he hasn't stopped by the way and am not blaming him....also as a play therapist I think it'll continue until someone really acknowledges how he felt when he was called those things or he gets old enough to have better impulse control)

The observations like "I can write my name why can't you?" are, granted, less provocative and more an observation that can come across as hurtful.

Also there is a massive power imbalance there. The child is more popular and has been friends with certain kids in the class since he was a baby. They have their own way of playing and even their own language together. He's also more able as my son has a disability and he doesn't.

Whether or not it fits the definition of bullying that you've been given, the effect on the victim is the same.
It doesn't get to be minimised because those children are still learning.
I'm also a teacher, and I'd be concerned that you aren't demonstrating any empathy with OP 's child, while defending those who are making him miserable.

Definitely go in and have a chat.

They probably have noticed but it's not their place to inform you but instead to educate the children about being kind as well as making sure your DS learns not to react to such comments but instead ignore them.

4 year olds don't bully. They are no doubt just repeating stuff they've picked up elsewhere.

I would discuss your half term observations with the teacher and work hard with your DS to ignore such comments and not react so the kids soon realise that they won't get a response from such comments.

Just because a behaviour may be age appropriate does not mean it should be allowed. Obviously you don’t want reception kids punished, but absolutely they should be prevented from doing this, and if it continues the parents of both the kid doing the name calling and the kid receiving it should be informed! I would be very unimpressed if I found that school hadn’t told me that my kid was giving or receiving this.

Yes, I don't expect the kids to be punished or anything, but a class focus on how different people learn at different rates would be something I'd introduce if I was in the teacher's position.

I'd also expect to be told as a parent (without the children being named etc) so that I can speak to my child at home about how he felt / how we can deal with those sort of comments etc...rather than just being told "he hit" without any sort of context, and only finding out the dynamics between the kids because of playdates.

In my opinion he should be spending half term catching up with family and friends who aren't at his school but I've been asked to do playdates with his classmates so he gels with them better - only to find out there are good reasons hes nervous of them!

The teacher may well be doing whole class work along the lines of people learn at different rates and have different skills already.

It tends to take several weeks if not months to have an impact.

I wouldn't expect the teacher to have told you he was being bullied as in schools this tends to imply a specific intent that 4 year olds really aren't capable of.

It is quite common for 4 year olds to make factual comments which upset other children - you are a different colour from me/you are fat/your hair is silly etc - but they do need to be taught not to say these things and in any case it sounds like this was way beyond this.

You might benefit from teaching him to go and sit by or tell the teacher if others are saying things that upset him, In similar circumstances I taught mine to say (loudly) that's a nasty thing to say and then run straight for the adult.

Yeh one of them (on her own) was more factual comments but the other was more deliberately hurtful. I guess I feel she could have mentioned something without necessarily calling it bullying...

Makes sense that it would take time to sink in, but it doesn't sound like she's noticed there is an issue in the first place.

I guess my concern is she's told me his hitting without telling me why (I asked if anything had happend in the lead up and she said no).

Previously he was sat by the teacher a lot, and she has a word that it meant she couldn't get anything else done, so we've been working on him moving away from the teacher more, which is when the hitting started...so I think he's recieving mixed messages if I don't get any background. I think his 5 year old brain has gone "okay if I'm not allowed to sit by you or tell you I'm uncomfortable I'll take matters into my own hands...oh, now I'm being told I should talk to the teacher if I'm upset...I am very confused".

Mine had these kind of issues at playgroup. It was easier to sort there as the ratios were higher - although if there are three adults for nine kids that is a very high ratio.

Is it a state school? Did he go to pre-school or playgroup or nursery and were there any issues there?

You can't be 100% sure that the other children were bullying him before he hit in school (although I understand why you think they most likely were).

Is one of the adults his 1:1? If so then they could be asked to stay closer to him and intervene if necessary.

Unfortunately it is possible that if he has been hitting and getting dysregulated that the other children are slightly scared of/dislike him and don't want to play with him and may now overreact to small things he says. I've seen that happen as well.

If the teacher is suggesting play dates to you then something is very amiss socially.

He went to preschool and there were no issues there at all.
Him being called baby/lazy was completely unprovoked and was because he couldn't climb a structure that they could. He didn't say anything in the lead up, as we were all in earshot we saw it unfold.
Yes I can see the case that perhaps he started hitting first and now everyone is nervous around him etc, that could be a possibility.
He doesn't have a 1:1 as there are such high ratios already.

I would go in as pp poster said ..I would go in school be factual, I would also mention the names .. They can’t you can ..

It’s very early days - things can turn around quickly but I also think that teaching him to tell an adult is important isn’t it

Do they have a behaviour policy? DD’s school is doing stupid restorative justice stuff, the classroom sounds like its chaos at hers, loads of children are going home saying everyone is being mean to them this year from my quick survery of parents. It doesn’t work. What works is continuing to remove them until they learn to be nice or miss out.

Absolutely, and we've been working on that loads over the half term, won't know how much has sunk in until school starts again

They have an official policy but I think what's happening in practice is the kids get told off if the teacher sees what's happening, but otherwise not much is being done to understand why they are behaving the way they are ...I could be wrong though

Your poor son.

3 adults for 9 children suggests there's a 1:1 for someone?

As someone who taught in reception and nursery, some children take longer than others to move away from a familiar adult (teacher) and play independently and/or with peers. I used to encourage them to play, but if they weren't ready to move away, then I was more than happy for them to tag along as they felt secure and safe. With 9 children this is doable, but different styles I guess. I would also do small group play activities to help them with social skills. There's a lot that schools can do. How do they manage his feelings? Do you use the same style st home to reinforce?

So yes, absolutely talk to the teacher. Hopefully she will be receptive. Good luck OP.

Thank you! There are 3 adults but two of them aren't there all the time so sometimes the main teacher is on her own, and that's when she was finding it hard to cope.
That's the problem, they don't seem to be managing his feelings very well, just noticing behaviour and trying to encourage a change without understanding why it's there or that he'll move at his own pace. To me he's been rushed towards independence away from the teacher without being given the skills to cope with that, or being asked what it is that's making him nervous.