You’re absolutely not being unreasonable to feel hurt and upset. It sounds like there’s a real difference in intimacy needs between you two, and that’s a valid issue, especially in a long-term relationship. It’s completely natural to feel frustrated and even lonely if he’s turning to porn instead of connecting with you—especially when you’re there, open, and ready to be with him.
Let yourself feel those emotions; your disappointment or even feeling a bit rejected is totally normal. It sounds like intimacy is really important to you, not just for the physical connection but as a way to feel close and valued by him. Those needs are absolutely okay, and you don’t need to brush them off or “just get over it.”
If you feel ready, it might help to have a calm, open conversation. When the time’s right, let him know how much you miss the closeness you used to share and how important that intimacy is for you. You could tell him that seeing him turn to porn makes you feel sidelined, especially when you’d be more than happy to connect with him. Focusing on your feelings, like saying “I miss feeling close to you” instead of framing it as what he’s doing wrong, might make it easier for him to understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes guys don’t realize how these things come across.
It could also help to see if you can find a middle ground. Sex drives and frequency can change with life events (kids, pregnancy, etc.), but that doesn’t mean either of you has to go without feeling fulfilled. You might ask if he’d be open to meeting somewhere in the middle. Maybe he needs solo time for his own reasons, but he’d also be willing to make more intentional time for you. You could try planning around the kids’ schedules or making time for smaller gestures of intimacy if full-on sex isn’t always possible.
If he’s comfortable, inviting him to share why he’s been choosing solo time without making him feel judged might make a big difference. There could be reasons he hasn’t talked about, like stress, changes in his own libido, or feeling insecure. Letting him know he can open up about this without feeling pressure might help him feel more at ease.
Another idea could be finding small ways to rebuild intimacy that aren’t focused on sex. Regular date nights or quality time together without distractions can go a long way toward rebuilding that connection, and sometimes that can make the intimacy side fall back into place more naturally.
If this feels tricky to work through on your own, there’s absolutely no shame in reaching out for extra support from a couples’ therapist. Sometimes having a safe space to talk things out helps both people feel heard, and a professional can help guide those conversations.
Overall, remember that this is a really common issue in long-term relationships, especially with big changes like kids, stress, and the everyday demands of life. You’re not alone, and many couples work through this kind of thing and come out even stronger. You’re not being unreasonable, and it’s worth talking it through if this is something you want to nurture long-term. With a little openness, honesty, and patience, there’s a good chance you both can find a way back to a place where you’re both feeling happy and fulfilled.